Many nights dwindle by

Magellan,

You jerk you’ve been in town and you haven’t tried to hang out!

Whateves.

Sure, sure. Whatever you say.

I’m fine, thanks for asking.

Midnight moon’s on the rise
My heavy head’s going light
So I’ll go home and sleep tonight

I have free time (ahem, including during days) until 8/7 so maybe you should reach out. Just saying.

With that out of the way, I have decided to surrender to the universe, officially. Yep. Not gonna bitch about wanting the ideal career or perfect partner. No whining about feeling a lack of direction. Zero complaints about never-ending waiting. At least for this week.

Ask me again in another.

Last night my good friend Anh showed up and cooked me a steak and you really can’t top a friend who just wants to hang out and feed you delicious red meat. Strangely, the moment I declared my intent to leave I was given 100 reasons to stay.

I’m walking tonight
About as far as I can go
I listen to the last song
By the windows

Sometimes, you just need to mix up the playlist. Or, in my case, dig out that mystery box from the back of your closet and find the *WAYYYYY* better box of CDs that survived your cross-continental move.

I have been jamming out to the Walkmen and it is the best for just about everything. I think that the National is real good September-March. Your favorite band (one of my tops) Lord Huron is the ideal soundtrack January-May. The Walkmen are perfect for June-September.

That’s all you need. Weather-based playlists.

And nearly every song by the Walkmen was written to be played in your car while you drive around on summer afternoons. They sound like the infinite possibilities at the beginning of summer break. Lazy Sunday afternoons (eating meat sandwiches) spent with a lover whom you just spent the morning tossing around the sheets. Walks around neighborhoods with gianormous waffle cones dripping down your fingers at sunset.

The Walkmen are that good.

Here’s to you and the stars above
The half moon and your pretty eyes
And here’s to you and the setting sun
The bar men and their sorry songs

And friends to show up at your door when you need them too. That’s what The Walkmen sound like.

It’s strange. I’ve definitely teetered between staying and going and now that it looks like I’m staying I am rightly at peace with that decision.

Everything in time. One perk of running is the sensation that time is suspended. I finally have time to enjoy my mini-retirement. Life is simple and excellent.

I have a confession, but I won’t bore you. I’ll hold it in the little hole in my heart where it waits to see what happens. As a human who is always at the mercy of unsolicited advice, I’m just going to keep doing what I love and trust that by doing that I will find the keys that bring me happiness.

This time though as Pete Krebs suggests: “Sometimes you have to wait, so patiently.” So that is what I’ll do.

I’ll be drunk before too long
And I’ll keep up in case I can talk
This really don’t say it all
There’s too much to enclose
These postcards from tiny islands
Mean more than you know

Even if you stay I’ll keep writing. I need these maybe more than you.

So here’s to you and the ground below
The grass bar and the empty sky

Yours,

N.

I see a mountain at my gates, I see it more and more each day

Magellan,

Mountains been out a lot lately. What do you suppose that means? I like to think it means it’s going to be a good day. But, I also told myself the day I got laid off from the previous job.

Speaking of jobs, looks like I got one. I am once again tethered to this place. I think that is okay, at least for now.

I see a mountain in my way
It’s looming larger by the day

Adam and Alex came to visit from DC, which was nice. I tried to show them all my favorite Seattle places. Managed to take Adam to all the places he wanted to go. AND, I arranged for my other friends to take us all on a sunset boat ride and it was the best.

Art show went off without a hitch! Polaroids looked great all grouped together. I was pleasantly surprised with how many of my friends managed to stop by. A dude I was talking to on Tinder stopped by as well. (Yas, I grabbed a polaroid of his face). Oh, even my old (first Seattle) boss and his son made it to my show.

I feel like I’m cheating with my portrait collection, like it’s not really art. But I still love it.

Oh, gimme some time
Show me the foothold from which I can climb
Yeah, when I feel low
You show me a signpost for where I should go

I just don’t know, Magellan. Now my house is empty as my friends have left. With the show over, I’m not sure what project to work on next. I’m relieved to have some time before I have to start working, but worried I’ll waste it.

It was nice to have the sense of purpose I felt while preparing for the show. I had the bonus of walking around the neighborhood and talking with people about the show and taking their photos. I got to both meet and photograph people, many I see often. I also got to build the frames to display the photos. There is something about that part of the creation process that is just as rewarding as whatever you are making. Giving your work the right kind of home is important.

I see a mountain at my gates
I see it more and more each day
And my desire wears a dark dress
But each day, I see you less

It would be nice to live with more certainty, but then that wouldn’t be my life now would it?

(But man are there some fun but confusing monkey wrench moments in there).

As for now- I guess I do this job, I learn some things and grow and that kind of shit. I keep trying to do the things I love, like capturing tangible moments on film, and maybe in doing these things I love I’ll find that allusive beast in a living, breathing heart-beating human and finally fucking wrangle it.

I’m tired of going it alone.

Yeah, gimme my way
Gimme my love
Gimme my choice…

Magellan, I just don’t know. Ask me again in a week.

Yours,

N.

Went to the porch to have a thought

Magellan,

Sorry, sorry. Missed Sunday, as per usual this summer. Missed Monday. Missed Tuesday. (Jebus, I know, right). Happy Wednesday, though where you are it’s probably nearly Thursday already.

So, what’s new?

Ice age, heat wave, can’t complain
If the world’s at large, why should I remain?

Well, ok. I’ll go. I guess I accidentally got a job. (Yay?). So perhaps I’ll stay a little longer. I’m feeling a little ambivalent about it. Found myself a marketing manager position. I have to drive to Redmond (gross). Ironically, it is for an organization based on providing commuters transportation options.

I really don’t know if this job will make me happy. It’ll probably be cool for the first 3 months and then I’ll hate my life again. I’d like to have another creative job of my dreams but I like paying my rent and bills more… (and you know, money to travel and there is the matter of my taxes which apparently I never paid thank you not TurboTax).

So. Meh.

You don’t know where and you don’t know when
But you still got your words and you got your friends
Walk along to another day
Work a little harder work another way

On a happy note- I’M SHOWING MY POLAROIDS AND IT IS THE BEST THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. Holy Toledo, I didn’t realize how many people I have met in Seattle. It’s pretty neat to think I’ve only been here for less than three years. So many faces.

All to think. I met one friend on OK Cupid and now he is not only the reason I even considered the move to Seattle, but one of my best friends. And my other friend who I should have met on OK Cupid but didn’t meet until a year later when I walked into a brewery in the middle of the afternoon and then he decided (well, clearly had already set the wheels in motion) to travel the world so I started a pen pal project. And now that brewery is letting me have an art show.

Shit. I’d sign up for OK Cupid again (third times the charm anyone) but jebus, that app stresses me out.

Maybe one day I’ll find the right person to be excited about.

I like songs about drifters, books about the same
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane
Walked on off to another spot
I still haven’t gotten anywhere that I want
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I’m caught in an undertow?

I decided I needed to mix up my chi and rearranged my room. (Very interesting, I know). It’s worked so far. If I’m only looking for one small miracle a day- job yesterday, who knows what today will bring.

On a sad note- Grandma Ruby had a heart attack. Today she is undergoing bypass surgery. Looks like I’ll be taking an unplanned trip to the Midwest soon. I’d have left already but I have the art show and guests coming to town this weekend.

WHY IS IT THAT LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YER BUSY MAKING PLANS??

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights
Adding their breeze to the summer nights
Outside water like air was gray
I didn’t know what I had that day
Walk a little farther to another plan
You said that you did, but you didn’t understand

So, what about my dreams to move to Kansas City you ask?

Maybe in a year or so. I want to open a bar with my friend Katie. Need to find/make some start up money first. Hopefully I can keep this job longer than four months. The idea of starting over again so soon really stressed me out.

I know that starting over’s not what life’s about
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn’t hear my mouth

I have no idea what is going on with my life. I surrender, universe. Ask me again in a week.

Yours,

N.

Did you ever want it? Did you want it bad?

Magellan!

Happy 4th of July! It’s my favorite holiday.

How is the world out there? Still in Seattle. Did a hike this weekend. Still recovering. Funny, you can run 8 miles a day just fine, but go climb a mountain and back for only 7 and hurt for days.

It tears me apart
Did you ever fight it?

I’m sure you can relate, but life feels surreal these days. The more I think about it, I can’t even remember when it felt like it was really mine. Serious case of going through the motions.

Yesterday I laid out all the polaroids I’ve taken in Seattle. It’s interesting to see who appears, again and again. Would you believe it if I told you (based on my portrait math) that my best friend here is the person I met on OK Cupid when I was broken from the marathon back in Chicago? I forget how much pain I was in for that week after the race…

All of the pain, so much power
Running through my veins

I guess that’s all life is though, right? It’s a marathon, not a sprint. I keep wanting to cut corners and whatnot. In the end, it has to be for the long haul.

I tried to hang out with that person again. He said he missed me. And yea, I missed him. But, the more I entertained a long term relationship with him the more infuriating I found him. Sometimes people are just too intrinsically different to be together.

I invited him on my friend’s boat, and then we went on that hike. Both were lovely days, spent with friends. However, the whole time I felt like he wanted to be somewhere else. Even though the original hike was a different one and we went on the one he wanted to, he still acted like he was missing out on whatever his friends were doing.

I don’t know

You can’t force it.

And I know
In my heart, in this cold heart

Fun fact, I’m gonna do a polaroid show at the Flying Bike. Was trying to collab with Kyle, but I was unable to really get things started. Not that I didn’t think about it every single day, I did. Just. Well, you know.

Did you ever notice
I’ve been ashamed
All my life
I’ve been playing games

How can I just let go and stop caring so much? I’ve stared at tables with photos of my friends lain in front of me. I’ve moved across the continent alone, and survived. I’m pretty fucking impressive, if I say so myself. But how do I plug that nagging little hole?

I’m really worried I’m about to get this job in Redmond. I think it’ll be super good for me. I’ll get to design a marketing program from scratch and implement everything I’ve ever learned. Professionally, it would be an incredible opportunity to really grow and try to use each random experience.

Except I’ll have to commute to Redmond. And be tethered to Seattle for another year and a half.

Decisions!

On one hand, Kansas City is still tempting me. I know it’s not going anywhere, but how long do I stay here and put in the good fight?

On the other (as I stare at 100 polaroids) I have found some of my people here.

I went on a Tinder date with perhaps, the most compatible person yet (minus the fact that he is a smoker). Of my list written in Sharpie and electrical taped to my closet door, he matched up to all my qualifications:

  • Likes hockey (he did!)
  • Makes me laugh a lot (that too!)
  • Kind (probably?)
  • Likes foods (he’s a chef)
  • Be read aroundble (loves books!)
  • Knows what he wants. Me (ok, in time)
  • Similar family values

I made that list the day I met you, actually. At Chucks on 85th. My traveling friend Kaitlin was in town and we made some lists for our lives.

Anywhoo, the whole time (or 3 days) I was back hanging with that one person, I couldn’t help but think that my Tinder date was simply a better match. Also, tattoos are hot. Also also, I made him meet me at Ken’s Market so if we liked each other we could tell people we met at the grocery store.

Ha!

Here’s the challenge, Magellan. For one week (or at least until next Sunday¬†Monday when I write my letter to you I’m just going to go with it. Who knows what will happen in a week…

Maybe this time I can be strong
But since I know who I am
I’m probably wrong
Maybe this time I can go far
But thinking about where I’ve been
Ain’t helping me start

I can try. Hope you’re having the time of your life.

Yours,

N.

I’m a long way from the land that I left

Hey buddy,

How’s it going this week. Again I missed Sunday- but I have two good reasons, I swear.

1.) It’s summer now which means every weekend is jam packed with things to do and people to see. Yesterday I got surprisingly lit at a Mariners game- apparently 3 glasses of wine in the sun is too many to manage to write the stuff at the end of the day.

2.) The downstairs neighbor’s cat apparently broke the modem. We have no internet for the next few days. First world problems!

So despite all this activity paired with a sorta new job I’m working (I really have no idea what is going on with it, but I keep showing up and they keep paying me) I feel a sense of overwhelming sadness. ūüė¶

I just don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Last night I couldn’t sleep for the life of me, so I just laid there and stared at shadows on the ceiling.

I just. Don’t know. What. To. Do.

I’ve been running through life and cruising toward death

Ug, I don’t know Magellan. It was so nice and for that tiny sliver of time I thought things might work out for me. And it’s not like I want crazy things- just a relationship that means something and turns into something real. A job that gives me just a little bit of purpose while paying my rent. Not crazy things. I don’t know when I fucked up that I just can’t make these things happen.

Oh, get this. I had another male friend (who is married) basically drop the truth bomb that he had explored having an open relationship with his wife because he had feelings for me. Why do married men get feelings for me when I have zero interest in going there? Like, what the hell man. Sometimes I feel like the relationship ender. (Although in the end they don’t pick me).

I’m a long way from the one that I loved
I’ve been tending old flames, lamenting what was

I’m way more bummed about this last dude I tried to date than I thought I would be.

It’s so dumb. I don’t know what he wanted from me. I gave him time. He knew I was considering leaving, but that dummy. At the end of the day I’m going to choose love over everything else. If only he could have just gave me a little time.

Time. That’s probably what we all are trying to buy more of, huh?

Find me way out there
there’s no road that will lead us back
When you follow the strange trails
they will take you who knows where
If I found a way to stay with you tonight
it would only make me late, for a date I can’t escape

Magellan- maybe if we met at a different time. And we were different people. And we wanted the same things. If circumstances could be different.

Yours,

N.

What it means to be more

Magellan,

Howdy, partner. How are you? I had another nice PNW weekend. It is my friend Andy from high school’s birthday this week, but since he is headed to Chicago we celebrated Saturday with a hike out in the Cascades. Then, we went to an Everette Aquasox baseball game. All in all, not the worst day.

Unfortunately, my foot is really hurting. I don’t think I did anything specifically to hurt it, but there is something wrong with the bottom of my arch. Not good, my friend. Not good. I was finally getting back to pre KC pace. On my last few runs I’ve hauled and (with the exception of my foot on the last run) it’s felt really good. Dang it.

You can’t win them all now can you?

I’ve started doing some work for this app start-up. It’s interesting and at least they are paying me a little but I’d be a lot more comfortable with regular income, ya know.

Still not sure whether I want to stay or go. I like this boy, but then sometimes I find myself looking at him and wondering if this is what I really want. I feel like maybe he is a pretty selfish person (and I think we all are at this point) but I’m just not sure. We’ve been having a few communication issues, and I can only identify this because it is EXACTLY what I would do, but it’s as if he’s trying to give me an out.

Like, the other night we went out and I met some of his friends. Then he decided it was time to go home and I was like, ok, sure. So we went to his house. He seeemed like he was in a bad mood. He went to the bathroom and I was just standing there, part thinking about all the shoes he had lined up by his door and part wanting to run and when he came out he got mad at me for just standing there.

I’m a weird girl, but jebus. He was like “I’m just going to take you home.” And I was like, “Wait, what?” And he was mad at me because I was just standing there.

It’s so hard sometimes. We just expect that people are going to let us down, so we try to give them an easy out.

Do I want an easy out?

Show me
What a difference you make
What a word that you say now could mean when it’s over, and it comes time for change

Maybe? Should I have taken it? I mean, we ended up talking it out but seriously. I don’t do things I don’t want to do.

Cause I’m gonna miss you
I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone
I’m gonna miss you
I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone, ah

Also, am I really that difficult/infuriating?

I missed connecting with my father yesterday (stupid time zone math) but we had a nice talk today. We discussed my ideas about Kansas City. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take long for him and ¬†my ¬†mother to relocate down somewhere between there and St. Louis (where my little bro is) should I move there.

I just don’t know, Mag.

I miss my family a lot. I miss my friends. I really hate this waiting shit. I really, really do. My father seems to understand (and dare I say support) my inclination to move to KC.

I have to go in a minute and work for that startup. I got my hopes up a lot last week with all my interviews. A recruiter from Zillow reached out but I haven’t heard from her since. Everybody all over just always getting my hopes up it seems. It would be easier to stay than leave. But maybe I still want to leave?

Show me
What a life this could be
What a promise you make now could mean when the day comes, that everything you see
Is without me

I. Don’t. Know.

Talk to you in a week. I’m sure it’ll be a completely different story.

Yours,

N.

This is your last chance to find a go-go dance to disco now

Magellan,

Hi there. Sorry that I keep missing Sundays. Have been having adventures.

I done fucked up. Perhaps you’ve caught a few posts from my other blog, but I pushed it too far. I wrote a post involving a friend and he got really hurt by it. Fack.

I should have known better. I said some things I still stand by, but I also know I shouldn’t have said others.

So lets talk about privilege and entitlement. *yay!

I’m guessing both you and I have lived fairly easy lives. We were born in America, to white parents who did their best to feed, shelter, and educate us. We’ve struggled, sure. There was a recession that made jobs hard to find at the time when we were supposed to be finding them. But we survived. Because of our whiteness we were easily hired at restaurants and bars and were able to make enough income to live better than a giant percentage of people across the world, even if we felt at the low rungs of the American income brackets.

We’ve been able to be unemployed and not homeless. We’ve been able to travel. We have a place we could turn to if everything turned to shit tomorrow. We are lucky sonofabitches.

We (ok, at least me) think that we deserve to be happy. I spend so much time trying to define what that would be and trying to figure out how to get it. It’s my god damned given right as person.

And we (or maybe me) have this ideal, of what our life will look like when we find that happy.

But here is the thing- I don’t think it has to look like what we thought it was.

Here is a secret. I have all but declared my intention to leave. I have gone so far as to give my roommate a date with a 90% chance that I will follow through. I have not however, told most my friends, my parents, or more importantly the boy I am seeing.

Ah crap, you knew it was coming right? Why does this happen. I booked that flight to Kansas and the next mother fucking day met a human in real life. And I don’t know if I felt anything at first, but I liked this human enough to hang out for 5 STRAIGHT DAYS and then invite him to every social function of my life and if this isn’t falling for someone then I don’t know what is.

This is, my goddamed romance novel, right? At least the movie version. YOU ACTUALLY FIND A GOSH DARN PERSON, IN REAL LIFE THE MOMENT YOU CALL IT QUITS. You decide to leave then someone makes you want to stay. Fuckkkkkk.

And he doesn’t look like what I thought I was looking for. He’s kind of granola-y or earthy or something and I am not nearly outdoorsy enough for him. He’s kind of a dork, and a bit of a nerd and maybe just weird enough for me. (Also, he’s a vegetarian that hates a lot of the vegetables I like so what the fuck are we going to do with that?).

Now I’m to the point where I’m like, Oh fuck. I’ve been the pure, unfiltered version of myself because I thought I was leaving and maybe wasn’t into it in the very beginning but now he has all the scary details and when it boils down to it, there is no way he would pick me.

Gah! What about my happiness that I’m entitled to on all fronts? I want to rule the business world AND have the man of my dreams WHILE I can afford to buy property IN ADDITION TO being near family.

 
You left the station now to the floor
With speculation, what was it for
In that old hallway
Moses, why don’t you say
You’ve been away for a long time
 

So Magellan. What’s a girl to do? If I were to flip that quarter in the air, what side would I hope it lands on? I just don’t know.

On the plus, I’m becoming a pro at interviews! Had one last week for an established tech company. Had one today for a start-up and have one tomorrow for a potential writing gig with some consulting company.

Believe me Natalie…

I can’t even tell you where my head will be at in a week. Camping was great. I felt so alone, then all of a sudden I found this new group of no drama friends who make me laugh from deep in the gut. That’s the best kind.

God, help me somehow
There’s no time for survival left
The time is now
‘Cause this might be your last chance to disco, oh-oh, oh-oh

Yours,
N.

 

Ps- sorry if the end of this post appears wonky. Trying to fix the code right now.

Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

Magellan!

Greetings from Kansas City. Holy hell, I love it here. Perhaps I am a Midwest heart after all. I’m telling you. Once you are done traveling the world and need to take a break we should all meet out here. I’m going to buy a little house where I can grow old.

And when you’re out there, without care

I’m heading back to Seattle tomorrow. I think I’m going to give it until the end of my lease (January) to see if anything changes. I do have a summer chock full of activities to look forward to, as well as an interview on Wednesday for a job at a company that I am very excited about.

And I might have tricked another boy to pick me up at the airport…

LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE BUSY MAKING PLANS, AMIRIGHT? Ah, crap. 2 weeks ago I was fully set to make moving out here by the end of July a thing. (Angry Sim *shakes fist at universe).

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

So yeah, Kansas huh? Yes, the PNW has mountains and water and always appears as a Pinteresty-worthy postcard. But- hawt damn if I don’t want to own a house. With my ability to keep jobby jobs… A home is never one thing I would be able to afford out there, especially on my own.

And I miss my family… At least in KC they wouldn’t be as far away. My little bro would be a mere 4 hour ride to STL and the Subaru would love to make that little trip.

Regardless, now is the time to draft a PNW Bucket List:
Hot Springs
Orcas Island
I NEED TO SEE A WHALE GOSH DARNIT
Sleep on a boat
Stay at a cabin
Seahawks game
Go to Alaska
Group vacation at an island
Yellowstone
Glacier Park

And the list goes on.

Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you
Who do you think you are?

So what can one do? We go up, we get down. I’m pretty sure my life is stuck on one of those personal trampolines and I just keep hopping and hopping and hopping. How does one turn apply of this potential energy to something tangible? The universe keeps sending these little pokes taunting “Oh hey, you want this? Maaaaaaaybe you can have it” and then you go after it and perhaps you get it or perhaps it’s three more steps back.

Who knows. In a week I could have a boyfriend and a job and be whistling a different tune. Or, in two weeks I could say fuck it and move out here after all.

Maybe I’m crazy
Maybe you’re crazy
Maybe we’re crazy
Probably

Uh, uh

Yours,
N.

 

A state of being find so fleeting

Magellan,

Hey yah. Sorry I missed Sunday and also Monday.

I have had the most incredible past few days (since Thursday). Makes it real hard for a girl to decide whether she should stay or go.

On Thursday I went to Golden Gardens with a few friends. It’s always surprising how many people are not at work in the middle of the day. After we got our fix of vitamin D (I burned the backs of my knees, a fact I discovered when I took my first post-beach shower), we went and had tacos followed by gelato. Then I went to a rock show and met some of the most hilarious people I have found in Seattle. The band was not half-bad either (Moon Dial). All in all, I won Thursday.

Friday was nice too. Sat at Greenlake and watched people with a friend. Met up with another friend and had tacos again.

Saturday I rode passenger with a friend and we drove to the edge of the continent. Seriously, this state is so beautiful, I’m not sure if I can leave. The sky was so blue for the entire drive, but when we got to Cape Flattery there was a band of fog. We went to the edge and couldn’t see any further. It’s like the world is flat.

On the way back we caught the sunset over the Olympics from the ferry. Definitely not the worst.

On Sunday all the Memorial Day orphans who didn’t get to go camping met at Greenlake. It was a lovely day.

And on the fifth day, I rested.

I’m heading to Kansas City tomorrow. I’m hoping to find a little clarity as to what move to make. ¬†I was feeling so alone until I made up my mind to leave and now I don’t know what to think.

Waiting on a feeling

How come life is what happens while you are busy making plans?¬†Isn’t it¬†funny? You try so hard to figure it out and learn as much as you can, but the more you are aware of¬†you realize the less you know.

Too long a wire waiting on
It triggers when it wanna to
And how long you wanna wait it on
This feeling you’d never know or want
And out of line you were telling me
Things apparent that I could not see
Think about it we ain’t going back
This feeling you’d wanna wait

Yours,

N.

So lonely so pretty such a lack of diplomacy

Magellan,

Did you see? I started a new blog about running. Well rather, the thoughts I have while running. I’m excited for it, but it’s hard. I’m not clever, every time as you are well aware. I just wanted to get into the practice of writing every day, and since I run nearly every day it seemed like the practical thing to do. Also I need writing samples that are a little more, eh, censored. Next time you are bored you should check it out. I’ll try not to be too redundant but redundancy is one of my favorite words.

Spring/Summer is finally in Seattle and it is about time. Today I spent the day at Green Lake with my friends Anh and Dennis. We made jokes the whole day and it was nice to be in the sun. There was a guy roller skating around the lake the whole time we were there (which was hours upon hours). At one point Anh asked what we thought he was listening to on his headphones. I immediately suggested “Love Shack” and we all agreed that was totally what he was grooving to on repeat. I threatened to yell “AND GET YOUR JUKEBOX MONEY” at him on one of his next passes but then we moved away from the path and into some shade.

Then, like usual we part ways and I walked home and ever so conspicuously the inevitable sense of WTF am I doing with my life crept back in.

Far-out so far-out, such a fall-out
Not only that you’re lonely

Fight or flight. Treading water. Not moving. Fight or flight. I have a phone interview tomorrow for a job in Kansas. I’m worried I might actually get it and have to decide if I want to take it or not and I’m not sure what my answer would be.

I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I never did. I don’t know what to do next. Fuck. Here we go a fucking gain.

I had to lie on the living room floor for a little while.

Maybe I need some roller skates. Or some jukebox money.

All I want to do is run. I get up. I wait for my body to be ready. I run. I know how far I can go, and every few weeks I tack on a little extra distance. But then it’s over and I have the whole rest of the day to try and figure out what to do with my life.

I just want to keep running. When I’m running at least I’m doing something. I’m moving. I’m breathing. I’m thinking about love and life and the way when I breathe in air¬†my lungs take it in and my heart pumps blood and it moves the oxygen through my body and my muscles flex and extend and propel me forward.

With running I get to hang out with my favorite songs. These endeared jams of former playlists keep my company while I think about old loves and new ideas. I battle with the elements and play chicken with other runners.

It’s the last thing I feel like I have, and I’m dangerously close to overextending myself. But I can’t stop. If I stop I won’t have a reason to get out of bed. And when it’s over I have to wait 24 hours to run again. I’m well back on my way to fighting weight for the first time in years. My roommate is doing the elimination diet (no wheat, cheese, alcohol, nightshades and other certain things) and I am on precisely the opposite.

Man, Magellan. I’m in a cannon right now. Not quite sure where to find the path back up, and it feels like it’s taking forever.

Forever is a long long time
When you’ve lost your way

Yours,

N.