This is nothing like it was in my room

Magellan,

Good morning from soggy, sloshy Redmond. This morning’s commute was the most terrifying one yet.

Guess what? Tomorrow I get to go see my family! So much excite.

How was your weekend? Looks like you went and ran real far. I tended to stay home and keep it low key. Roommate and myself decorated for Christmas because we are nerds and I love it.

In my best clothes, trying to think of you
This is nothing like it was in my room
In my best clothes

Went to a house party on Saturday. The home belonged to someone who works with some of my friends. And I happened to have gone on a Tinder date with him. On paper, he’s a catch- owns a home, has a job he really likes, coaches a little kids baseball team and volunteers with the homeless.

But alas, in real life- no spark. A nice dude, nonetheless and everyone had something kind to say about him.

The English are waiting and I don’t know what to do
In my best clothes, this is when I need you

Speaking of friends that work with my friends, at the party there was this other guy who I’ve actually gone on a few dates(?- is that what they were?).

Sometimes you just connect with someone.

The English are waiting and I don’t know what to do
In my best clothes

Like a highschooler I made out with him in the bathroom. Eep.

I’m the new blue-blood
I’m the great white hope
I’m the new blue-blood

So that happened.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

Still need a date for the National. I thought someone else would be going with me, but alas, no.

I have an idea of three people to ask, however:

  1. Will probably just confuse me.
  2. Will also confuse me but at least I know he likes The National. Also, just really want this person as a friend, not a romantic interest.
  3. Will probably just confuse me, also not sure if they like The National. But maybe there is a bathroom we could make out in.

Who to ask, who to ask #firstworldproblems.

I won’t fuck us over, I’m Mr. November
I’m Mr. November, I won’t fuck us over

Gotta ask someone though. It’s a $150 ticket. Could try to sell it on Stubhub, but then I’d just get stuck sitting next to a stranger.

But aren’t we all just strangers?

I wish that I believed in fate, I wish I didn’t sleep so late
I used to be carried in the arms of cheerleaders

So Magellan what’s a girl to do?

I won’t fuck us over, I’m Mr. November
I’m Mr. November, I won’t fuck us over

Trying not to feel resentful when the only people interested in me are completely unavailable. Trying not to kick myself for not feeling anything for the ones who are. Pretty sure I need to start dating someone soon though. It’s been a hot minute.

Yours,

N.

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Hey, don’t write yourself off yet

Magellan,

Happy Monday from windblown Redmond.

I had a pretty solid weekend. The gang Airbnb’d a cabin in La Connor. We drank all of the wine on Friday night. On Saturday we adventured during the day and went bowling at night. On Sunday we drove around Whidbey Island.

It was nice to be part of the crew.

It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on

As you can guess, I was the second best bowler. Naturally. Grandma-style and all. I made Anh drive my car and we listened to the same Jimmy Eat World song, over and over. Singing at the top of our lungs and that car ride was perfect.

Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away

Another weekend that I need a weekend to recover from my weekend.

I GET TO GO SEE MY FAMILY IN A WEEK! WAHOO!

Seriously. I can’t wait. I miss them a lot. Going to the land of ice and cheese. I won’t even be mad if it snows and I get stuck in Wisconsin for an extra few days… just saying.

I feel okay with things this week. I got my hairs did last week. I never really understood the value of a good haircut, but as what seems like the lowest of fruit in my quest to adult I am pleased with my decision to pay someone to cut my mane over my usual two glass of wine self hair cut.

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right

So yea, doing alright I guess. Just gotta get through these next few months. I’m starting this fucking awesome project at work. If I can execute it- well, not only will I be able to contract some of my friends for work but I’ll have something to show when I’m interviewing for the next thing.

Hey
You know they’re all the same
You know you’re doing better on your own so don’t buy in
Live right now
Just be yourself
It doesn’t matter if that’s good enough for someone else

Unless I figure out how to start the business of my dreams… I’m close, Magellan. Just need to figure out a few more things and find the right designer to partner with. Or hire.

NaNoWriMo not going so well… I’m only about 2,500 words in on a 50,000 requirement… EEP! Maybe I’ll find time this week?

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right

Got some tickets to some shows! This week Hamilton Leithauser at the Neptune. I have a pair of tickets for the National on the 29th! Wahoo! Shows! Doing Stuffs!

It is what it is, Magellan. Maybe this week I’ll figure it out. Maybe not.

Yours,

N.

 

If I would know you, would you know me

Magellan,

Cheers, and happy Monday. The time changed and I have to admit that it was nice to do the morning commute in daylight.

Often, the morning drive is just the beginning of a regular old day, but once and awhile- well, there is this turn off the interstate into Redmond where I move around the bend and the view is incredibly breathtaking.

It hits.

It reminds me of this project we did in elementary art class, to learn about perspective and how color works. We ripped pieces of construction paper and layered them to create mountainscapes and sunsets.

This morning’s run was still in the dark, but the sky still was incredible, even in subtle grays and blues. The clouds appeared as if viewing from below, cotton puffs with their billowy bodies smooshed flat against a pane of glass. Lowly lit from behind, a soft midnight blue glowed through the edges.

Of all the things, I didn’t expect to ever grow such a relationship with the sky.

Don’t go, tell me that the lights won’t change,
Tell me that you’ll feel the same, and we’ll stay here forever,
Don’t go, tell me that the lights won’t change,
Tell me that it’ll stay the same

So I went and watched some amateur porn yesterday. Had a pretty nice time, I must admit. I have to give kudos for some of the storytelling.

Also, I. Just Need. To get. Laid.

But what can you do?

Where we go, where we,
Where we go, where we go,
Where we go, where we go, where we go

At the porn fest I grabbed a handful of condoms because, hey! A girlscout is always prepared. When I got home I offered them to my roommate or rather, told her where I keep them. Which is hilarious if you know my roommate because I’m pretty certain she’s waiting for marriage (or at least the person she chooses for marriage) but you never know. Can’t hurt to have a just-in-case plan.

It was her birthday yesterday. We had a potluck on Saturday which was fun to have all the gang over. Ashley got too drunk again. I’m not sure I have it in me to keep dealing with her. I feel bad- I know she is lonely in a lot of the ways I am but seriously. She gets mean.

Don’t go, tell me that the lights won’t change,
Tell me that you’ll feel the same, and we’ll stay here forever,
Don’t go, tell me that the lights won’t change,
Tell me that it’ll stay the same

Can’t wait until two Tuesdays from now! I get to see my family! So much excite.

Apparently my brother’s flight to Milwaukee is within 30 minutes of mine, so that will make our airport retrieval real easy on my mother. Also she’s driving down to Woodstock to pick up Grandma Ruby, so I get to see the woman responsible for my height capping out at 5’6″ (She’s about 4 feet tall).

I have a strange feeling this might be one of the last times I get to see Grandma Ruby.

It will be really good to see my brother. Whenever I talk to him he sounds happy, which took a good 30 years to happen. Go Tom.

Working on planning the Christmas trip to the Midwest- I’m thinking fly to STL->drive to C’dale ->back to STL->amtrak to KC -> back to SEA.

Gotta be with the ones I love.

Cheers,

N.

Do you ever get the sense, you’re watching someone else?

Dear Magellan,

Greetings. It’s been a week. Feelings!

I think, a light bulb has turned on though, so at least there is that.

Do you ever get the sense
You’re watching someone else?
Your face against the glass
Across 11th Ave

I want to spend a second talking about why I like Kyle. Since I met him on your birthday I have been fascinated with his incredible drive to create. Partially, because that is something that has been missing from my life for such a long while. Partially because he just. keeps. doing it.

Some people say they know
They never really know
They all wait for something
That never comes to them

It’s been hard to articulate the tension I feel with my own life. Now that I find myself working in transportation (I know, right?) I am all of a sudden aware of all these new opportunities.

Through one of the many newsletters I now sign up for I found the call for artists to enter a contest to put their photos on all the bus stops around King County. This first stipulation was not to have too much negative space. Well, as you are aware my beloved Polaroids have a lot of negative space. And for me- it’s part of the draw. I love that sexy white frame.

So, in true art school form I waited until the last few days to complete my submissions. Not because I didn’t want to work on them, but because I needed to process the ways I could utilize the frames.

It was seriously down to the wire, but I ended up scanning a bunch of different fabrics to use as a back drop. I did have to crop down the frames for my polaroids, but I was able to leave a border around my images.

The thing is, when I finally submitted my images I felt incredible.

But all of these dreams
Keep coming back to me slowly, slowly
And sometimes I laugh
When I think about how you know me
Yeah, you know me

I was walking home along Greenwood Ave, and then down my street. The sky was changing colors as the sun set to the west. The Cascades glowed and I felt like I was living in a painting. After feeling so indescribable- numb even I felt fire in my belly.

Wisdom comes to your heart
Down a shaft from afar
Pulls you out of bed and into the noise
Whoever’s up this late
You really still awake?
Why can’t you go to sleep like everybody else?

Last week was rough. On Monday I was so unhappy I had to leave work at noon. I just felt terrible and I couldn’t explain why.

On Tuesday, I was driving to work at the normal time (7:08) and right before I pulled onto the interstate the most incredible song came on KEXP.

I never knew how magical mornings are in the PNW. Now that every day has me driving towards the mountains and the sunrise I am cognoscente of the surroundings. The city centers sparkles, with early risers turning on lights in rooms in towers. The Olympics just barely catch the sun and to the East- well every day I think to myself “There is no way it can get better than this” and every day I am pleasantly surprised.

So there I was, at 7:10 on a Tuesday crossing from the 50th Avenue exit towards the ramp to the 520 bridge. The sky was fucking incredible and this song, with this string arrangement is playing and its fucking magical, and heartbreaking.

And all of these dreams
Keep coming back to me slowly, slowly
And sometimes I laugh
When I think about how well you know me

Before I know it I’m straight-up crying. I’m driving into the reds and pinks of the sunrise. I’m moving towards the Cascades and the misty treeline. And you know what, I realized I wasn’t dead inside like I had worried.

Really.

Sometimes I just don’t feel anything. Whether I’m trying to understand how a human could fit into my life or what I’m doing with it- nada.

But this song.

I spend a lot of time alone, and usually that’s okay but sometimes the loneliness hurts in ways I can’t explain.

On Sunday, I woke up ridiculously early. Like, who gets up at 4:30 on a weekend? But I had another light bulb go on.

There are people who are incredibly toxic to me in my life. And really, I was going to minimize how often I interacted with them. But I think I figured out who the poison is.

When I think about how well you know me
Yeah, you know me
But all of these dreams
Keep coming back to me slowly, slowly
And sometimes I laugh
When I think about how you know me
Yeah, you know me

So back to Kyle. I get why he can make art the way he does. That feeling I felt after submitting my images. That is an incredible feeling. And what more- it was because I had spent hours editing images of the people and places who don’t make me feel terrible.

I want more of that feeling.

So I’m choosing me. I’m choosing my time, and the people and moments that mean more. I’m choosing not to surround myself with particular people who make me feel like I’m not good enough, or a first choice. I’m choosing solitude over allowing someone to make me feel like shit.

When I woke up from that dream
I was sleeping in a basement
Leaves were falling on the pavement
I was happy in the city
Took a friend’s car to the ocean
Are you ready?
Are you ready?

It’s hard to see it, some days. It really is but I’m exactly where I need to be.

Yours,

N.

Sometimes you get up and bake a cake or something, sometimes you stay in bed

Magellan,

I’m betting you aren’t reading these anymore so I’ll dive right in.

It’s Monday, again, and the struggle is real. After a listless night of rolling over and over tangled in my bed sheets I was tempted to skip my daily jog. I didn’t. Many days it is the only part of my waking hours that I enjoy.

Something isn’t right. I can’t put a finger on it. I am not ready for daylight hours of darkness, or the soggy fall air. I’m not ready at all.

Did I ever tell you about Ian? I can’t remember. He told me I will always be the one that got away. He let me go, that first time.

Then he left Chicago for Boston. With a fiancee. Then returned, alone again. Then promptly found a new fiancee.

He married her, but not before he showed up at my front door 3 days before his wedding.

Sometimes you go, la, di, da, di, da, di, da, da
Till your eyes roll back into your head

Your mind is racing like a pro now
Oh my God, it doesn’t mean a lot to you
One time, you were a glowing young ruffian
Oh my God, it was a million years ago.

It feels like it was a million years ago. It was 2014, so really it was only four.

I didn’t know it until I saw pictures of his wedding on the FB that his now wife was very, pregnant.

I don’t know what’s going on. I was fairly okay with trudging along. But I’m not right now. I can’t find someone to stand next to me for my favorite bands, let alone a portion of my life.

I guess I just feel like I don’t matter to people. Even my best friend here, well I’m pretty certain he’s just hanging out with me to get closer to my roommate. I’m fucking tired of not having a best friend. Alex has checked out (and she was already in the wrong Washington). There just isn’t anyone here.

You’re dumbstruck baby
You’re dumbstruck baby, now you know
You’re dumbstruck baby
You’re dumbstruck baby, now you know

And I can’t make it stop. Partially because I am not sure what “it” is. Partially because I do know.

It’s easy to look back and analyse every time you went right when you should have gone left.

Trying not to let it, but the darkness is creeping under doors and in through cracks in the windows. It surrounds and swallows me, and I worried that maybe this time it just won’t get better

You’re dumbstruck baby

I don’t know, Magellan. If you are reading these maybe reach out because I could use a friend.

Yours,
N.

I died a week ago, there’s nothing left

Hey Magellan,

Sorry I missed last week. I was in lovely Wenatchee, WA for a transportation conference with very spotty wifi.

How’s it going? This morning on the drive to work the scenery looked like a Pinterest postcard. As much as the commute sucks, no matter what kind of weather seems to be happening its so damn pretty.

When I hit the road earlier to run it felt like something out of a horror movie. It was so foggy at 5:30, I couldn’t even see the water at Greenlake, let alone the space needle which usually peeks her head above the treeline. It’s almost cold enough you can see your breath when you breathe.

It’s caught on video
The very last breath
The very last breath
The very last breath
The very last breath
The very last breath

The sun was starting to rise as I began the drive to the Eastside. The Big Mountain was out in full glory, and the pink-tinged Cascades were nestled against misty pines. Seriously, while it’s a $4.30 fee, crossing the 520 every morning has a few perks.

In time an avalanche
Will cave in on mines
Covering all evidence
The very last time

How was your weekend? I had a fairly nice time on all the days. I managed to hang with a few different groups of people, which was nice.

Secret, I am craving my family like crazy right now. I haven’t seen them in over a year and it’s kind of the worst (minus about 24 hours when I got to see my brother around last new years). Thanksgiving can’t come soon enough.

I still feel like such a kid. I look for the adult in the room and HOLY SHIT it’s me.

All this fuss over nothing
Reinventing the wheel
All this searching for something that’s not real.

I went on what I’m deciding is my last ever Tinder date (ask me again in 6 months). I’m just over it. I had an okay time, though my date tended to mansplain a lot of things to me. Also, not that there is anything wrong with it, but IMO I’m fairly confident that my date was gay (maybe he just hadn’t figured it out yet).

I guess more than not having a partner, the thing I don’t have in Seattle is a best friend. I just don’t have that go-to person for whatever. I’ve been trying to put my finger on it. For example, most of the time I’m okay being alone or whatever, but sometimes I just need that BFF to go talk about the serious things (but also talk about pooping) with. And you know, hang out for no reason.

On another note, my good friend Anh likes my roommate and it’s kind of weirding me out. I really don’t think she’s interested in him like that, but I’m over here turning green with envy. Also, I feel like he only comes over to see her. Like, pretends he wants to see me but really is just trying to see her.

I just don’t like feeling like people are using me. Or taking advantage of me. But, whateves. Also, feeling left out but I guess that’s expanding to the greater friend group.

All this fuss over nothing
Reinventing the wheel
All this searching for something that’s not real.

I don’t know. Trying to remain surrendered to the universe. Trying to see both sides of things, and trying not to take it all personally.

Just so tired of waiting sometimes, ya know?

Yours,

N.

 

 

I count my time in dog years

Magellan,

That was a good run last week! It’s nice to try and run beside someone, even if for only nine miles.

Greetings from beautiful Redmond on this drizzly Monday morning. It was dark enough today when I made the drive that I didn’t need to wear sunglasses. Except my glasses are prescription so I probably need to get my non-sun glasses in BaeRu.

Swimming in sevens, slow dancing in seconds…

Or rather, “Another one bites the dust (probably).”

I’ll tell anyone that listens that I’m perfectly happy with my current surrender to the universe- I am. But still, it doesn’t mean I don’t get excited about the sheer possibility of something being more than nothing.

I spend my time daydreaming
As sure as the sea
It’s just you and me

I dunno.

I don’t think it can ever be like that love you had at 17. Never again will I ever find myself that flexible to conform to someone else’s life, and there is a sinking realization that I might not even have to try.

Anyways.

Saw Gorillaz this past weekend. It was a fairly entertaining show. My friend Harry had free tickets in a suite (which is clearly the way to do things right). After that show, I accompanied my former wedding date to another show in West Seattle at a dive and that was maybe a more fun performance for me to observe.

Gots to figure out how to gets the music into my life. Of the things that are missing, that is a major one.

Oh, and I’m the one that loves you
Oh, and I’m the one that loves you

My boss is on vacation this week which means I have to be in the office but that there isn’t very much work to do. I have a huge map project to start, but I need to make sure we will receive the grant funding to do what I want to do so I’m pretty much sitting here twiddling my thumbs and writing letters, and running out of Internet.

This morning on my run it was dark, and Monday am runs are always extra quiet, suggesting that the other runners decided to hit snooze instead of waking muscles achy from weekend adventures for a jaunt through sleepy streets. I fear I’m to the point where I won’t observe any more sunrises as I traverse the neighborhood on foot until April. (Undoubtedly I have at least a month more of experiencing the sky’s gradual acceptance of day as I drive- weather permitting).

I love that morning light though. That might be the worst part about a Seattle winter, waking, running, living in that absence.

And if you had a bad week
Just let me touch your cheek

It’s a treading water kind of moment in my life right now… I’m okay with it for the time being, but I need to commit to starting to move towards what’s next. I’m not a stranger to hard work, or jumping on unexpected opportunities. I just honestly don’t know what I want.

In time.

I count my time in dog years, dog years, dog years, dog years, dog years
We will be alright (Dog years, dog years)
We will be alright (Dog years, dog years)
In the afterlife (Dog years, dog years, dog years, dog years)
Singing, baby, we will be alright (Dog years, dog years)
We will be alright
We will be alright

Yours,

N.

Skinny skinny skinny man with a whale to hold his hand

Magellan,

SO GOOD TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN, SIR.

I meant what I said, let’s not be strangers. If you usually work Wednesdays perhaps I can find a way to pop on in on the regular. I want to be better about making time for people that I care about.

Also. Sometimes my current group of friends don’t leave me feeling very good about myself and therefore I want to surround myself with people who do.

With that out of the way,

I’m swimming with all my slippery beginnings
White linen, sheet twisting
Limbs clenched so hard, mouth so resistant

Holy schomely. Had one of those weekends where I need a weekend to recover from my weekend. On Thursday, (here’s working on expanding my friend group) I took advantage of not having to work on Friday (and thus be in bed by 9 pm) and went out for a drink with my my friend Darren.

It’s pretty apparent I need to stress to Darren that I am only interested in friendship, but I imagine I’ll cross that bridge next time. Regardless, we had an interesting chat and I got to see some of the characters of the neighborhood, always a hoot. On my walk home I stopped in the hockey bar and it looks like I’m going to start (attempting) to learn how to skate in October… Eep!

Did you ever say oh no
Did you ever say no

On Friday I went for a run and then I drove down to Portland. The entire time in my head I thought, “Why the fuck am I doing this? I should save the gas money. I am so tired. Why am I going to this show alone.”

Then with note one and Samuel T. Herring dancing onto stage the way he does it was absolutely the one place I needed to be. While I might have been one of the oldest ones in the room for once I wasn’t the shortest. I don’t know what stars aligned, but I had the perfect vantage to watch the whole band, and the biggest shit eating grin on my face for the entire show. Fucking Future Islands, nailed it. So good. So genuine.

Magellan I danced like a fool and it was the best thing ever.

It was also incredible to catch up with my friend Amy. Life is very strange how you double back and cross paths with people you used to know. Her son is now a junior in high school. I knew this kid when he was 7 and adorable. Now he’s nearly a man. Crazy.

On the way back I used Google Maps to navigate. Usually, once I get to where I know I am I turn off navigation. For some reason I kept it on. There was a crash which forced traffic to a crawl and when Google suggested I take an exit I figured, “What the hell?”

Best decision ever. I felt like I was cheating. I pulled over on the off ramp, went straight for about half a mile, crossed a road and then reentered the freeway bi-passing the entire accident and slowdown. Woot! I could see the cars the whole time, sitting in place while I cruised on at 45 miles per hour.

That evening, my friends got married(ish). Roommate and I carpooled with some friends in Bluevan. I accidentally got a date to the wedding (from one last Tinder contact). Turns out if you jokingly invite someone to a wedding for a first date and they are down to go they might actually be someone that is right us your alley.

As we were rolling around town scooping up our friends we picked him up in front of a CVS, as you do when you take a Tinder date to a wedding. He was a real good sport and fit in pretty well with my band of buddies for the night. I do believe I’ll see him again. We spent all day yesterday adventuring around Seattle and crashing farmers markets.

Life is so weird right now, and I think I’m actually okay with it. Working from home today (still recovering from my weekend and needed some cat time).

I’ve been having a little trouble with eating lately, which is really strange for me. I love the foods. But for some reason nothing sounds good. I’ve been having to force myself to eat meals because you can’t be running 7 miles before sunrise and not eating.

I have/had a zucchini fairy at work, so I have about 12 of em to cook up some how. Perhaps that is what I’ll do while I work from home today. Maybe something tasty will restart my appetite.

I was thinking about writing that book we talked about. What if instead of using the letters, I wrote a companion piece with a fictitious character who lives a life based on what was happing when I wrote each letter? Could be cool.

All I want from you is a letter and to be your distant lover
That is all that I can offer at this time

I already got the soundtrack for the movie version, amiright?

Welp Magellan. It’s been a year. I have no plans on stopping but I’m truly thankful for these letters. Getting it all out and seeing it on screens in print has been more helpful than I could have ever imagined. *Hopefully* the practice of telling stories and thinking about how words work together has made me at least a little bit better of a writer.

Here’s to now. Here’s to strangers that become friends. Here’s to driving for hours to see your favorite band by yourself, and bringing a stranger to a wedding. Here’s to finding shortcuts and dancing like a Peanuts character because that’s just how you move. Here’s to writing letters, and figuring out life a little bit each day.

Yours,

N.

 

 

Oh, I felt a release. And I feel, yellow becoming me

Magellan,

Good morning, again from beautiful Redmond. The sky is gray with a hint of drizzle. A Pinterest postcard. Welcome fall.

Just got back from Denver. I didn’t think it would be true, but altitude is killer. We climbed to the peak of a “Fourteener” and I nearly died every 20 feet. But I made it. All the way to the top.

I thought my heart wanted escape out from my chest, nearly attempting an exit through my throat.

My head had a hard time adjusting to thinner air. Strange, from the top gravity pulls you harder to keep you from drifting off.

There is nothing like the peak of a mountain to provide oneself with all the affirmation one needs…

Oh oh, standing all this while
Makes me realise I am alive
And I won’t settle

As far as surrendering to the universe, I’m finding a strange contentment with this delay. On the plane ride out I drafted a business canvas. I think I could do it. I could start my own company. I just need a little more time to figure out some of the details.

I’m going to build a hell of a team though.

I made my team at work take one of those personality tests. Mostly for the sake of team-building, but I thought that if we could identify our strengths and weaknesses as detailed by a third-party perhaps we’d be better able to help each other out. I hate to admit it, but those things can be pretty spot on. I’m an ENFP, or “Campaigner.” I bring the group together, I’m an ideas person. I have trouble with starting a hundred projects and finishing (true!).

The insights I gained from that- one of my colleagues just needs to feel appreciated (true). Another wants to organize and make charts. Another is a true introvert. I don’t know. Sometimes one just needs to have a little break from work.

When I start my business, I’m going to need a partner who is on top of the details.

Move on, and up
Now that, I’ve found
My way back from you

Magellan, I did a bad. I had been seeing a person on and off since Memorial Day. A wonderful kind human. But I just didn’t feel anything. You know what I’m talking about? Like, on paper this human has the qualities I’ve been looking for in a partner. But in person- nothing.

Just cause you want the same things doesn’t mean you should do it together.

So I ended it (this time) with a well-worded text. I’m a horrible human.
Sometimes you have to hurt someone to get a point across.

Am I dead inside?

I keep parts belonging to me
And I steal the better ones I need

Feelings!

I liked Denver, but didn’t feel the pull to move there which is probably a relief. I’m happier at sea level. Breathing in salty air helps me grasp a tiny strand of that being alive (perhaps I’m not dead inside, more so looking for something that really moves me).

As the plane home descended into the misty pines, casting a shadow over the land I run I believed I was coming home. Hungover and sick from altitude, my legs felt stronger once I was back near the sea.

Oh oh, standing all this while
Makes me realise I am alive
And I won’t settle

Life is a tightrope. A near-drowning experience as a child renders my balance faulty, even as an adult. I teeter and crawl with outspread arms that mimic the flapping of wings.

Don’t look back. Place one foot apprehensively in front of the other. Concentrate on breathing. Sea level or above the clouds, you are the only one on your line.

Move on, and up
Now that, I’ve found
My way back from you
Ooh

Life is short, my friend. We can’t always find what we are searching for, perhaps because we know not what it is.

We can, keep trying. Even when we’re predestined to fail, we still can try. One foot in front of the other, no matter how much slack is on our line. Scramble up a mountain, a few feet at a time, with breaks to stop the world from spinning. A broken record can still play a pretty song, certain melodies deserve a second or third listen.

Move on, and up
My mind is clear
Remembering all the things I’ve done
Done
All the things I’ve done.

What more can I say?

Here’s to now. Follow your heart. It knows what it wants.

Yours,
N.

 

 

Maybe I listen more than you think

Magellan,

Have I mentioned that the office right next to the one I work in is Magellan Architects? What’s in a name?

I am on the edge of my seat… On Thursday night I’m headed to Denver to see one of my very good friends and I cannot wait! I need a break from Seattle like you wouldn’t believe.  I’ve been trying to make better decisions based on how I imagine my actions will affect me.

It’s glorious being selfish, isn’t it? Finding a little self-imposed solitude refreshing.

Have you ever had anyone tell you that they’ve been working on themselves, but you already liked them just the way they were? Just a thought reminiscent of a conversation I think I had.

And I can tell that somebody sold you
We said we’ve never let anyone in
We said we’d only die of lonely secrets

I’ve pickled another situation but based on a gchat I’m fairly confident that this one will see it’s self out as well. No wonder I’m ready for flight as an anatomic response to the stress of letting someone go.

I always do my best to not revert to apparition status, but seriously. It sucks to let a person down.

The system only dreams in total darkness
Why are you hiding from me?
We’re in a different kind of thing now
All night you’re talking to God

Admittedly, I spent so much time pining for a partner but when one presents itself (and one that could be appealing on paper) I just can’t get into it.

I thought that this would all work out after a while
Now you’re saying that I’m asking for too much attention

I want that spark when someone walks in the room. You know what I mean. All the other boxes checked, yes. But that spark needs to ignite, too. If you’ve felt it you know. You need it, even a little bit.

Also no other faith is light enough for this place
We said we’d only die of lonely secrets

So on solitude. I have to hold out for a chemical reaction. I embrace the hours and miles I have to myself. Had the most incredible run on Saturday, set to one of our favorite bands. 10 miles never felt so swift. Sometimes, it seems that eons pass while I’m out flitting about town. Seasons will change and I’ll traverse at least four neighborhoods. The day seems different, new. When I end time is stranger than when I started.

And I cannot explain it
Oh, any other, any other way
I cannot explain it
Oh, any other, any other way

Do you have to tell people that you are okay? Scream it from hilltops or share it on social media? Write it out in letters? Or is it okay to just be. Just plugging away. Day in, day out. Runs at daybreak. Thoughts of those sparks you share with people you shouldn’t.

Maybe I make things up in my head, but there is a lot of room to escape from when you have 8 miles to burn. You can’t, however escape from someone who lives in a studio apartment if you stay.

I cannot explain it
Any other, any other way
I cannot explain it
Any other, any other way

In fight or flight I flee. Yet I am a moth, searching for that perfect light.

Yours,

N.