Oh, I felt a release. And I feel, yellow becoming me

Magellan,

Good morning, again from beautiful Redmond. The sky is gray with a hint of drizzle. A Pinterest postcard. Welcome fall.

Just got back from Denver. I didn’t think it would be true, but altitude is killer. We climbed to the peak of a “Fourteener” and I nearly died every 20 feet. But I made it. All the way to the top.

I thought my heart wanted escape out from my chest, nearly attempting an exit through my throat.

My head had a hard time adjusting to thinner air. Strange, from the top gravity pulls you harder to keep you from drifting off.

There is nothing like the peak of a mountain to provide oneself with all the affirmation one needs…

Oh oh, standing all this while
Makes me realise I am alive
And I won’t settle

As far as surrendering to the universe, I’m finding a strange contentment with this delay. On the plane ride out I drafted a business canvas. I think I could do it. I could start my own company. I just need a little more time to figure out some of the details.

I’m going to build a hell of a team though.

I made my team at work take one of those personality tests. Mostly for the sake of team-building, but I thought that if we could identify our strengths and weaknesses as detailed by a third-party perhaps we’d be better able to help each other out. I hate to admit it, but those things can be pretty spot on. I’m an ENFP, or “Campaigner.” I bring the group together, I’m an ideas person. I have trouble with starting a hundred projects and finishing (true!).

The insights I gained from that- one of my colleagues just needs to feel appreciated (true). Another wants to organize and make charts. Another is a true introvert. I don’t know. Sometimes one just needs to have a little break from work.

When I start my business, I’m going to need a partner who is on top of the details.

Move on, and up
Now that, I’ve found
My way back from you

Magellan, I did a bad. I had been seeing a person on and off since Memorial Day. A wonderful kind human. But I just didn’t feel anything. You know what I’m talking about? Like, on paper this human has the qualities I’ve been looking for in a partner. But in person- nothing.

Just cause you want the same things doesn’t mean you should do it together.

So I ended it (this time) with a well-worded text. I’m a horrible human.
Sometimes you have to hurt someone to get a point across.

Am I dead inside?

I keep parts belonging to me
And I steal the better ones I need

Feelings!

I liked Denver, but didn’t feel the pull to move there which is probably a relief. I’m happier at sea level. Breathing in salty air helps me grasp a tiny strand of that being alive (perhaps I’m not dead inside, more so looking for something that really moves me).

As the plane home descended into the misty pines, casting a shadow over the land I run I believed I was coming home. Hungover and sick from altitude, my legs felt stronger once I was back near the sea.

Oh oh, standing all this while
Makes me realise I am alive
And I won’t settle

Life is a tightrope. A near-drowning experience as a child renders my balance faulty, even as an adult. I teeter and crawl with outspread arms that mimic the flapping of wings.

Don’t look back. Place one foot apprehensively in front of the other. Concentrate on breathing. Sea level or above the clouds, you are the only one on your line.

Move on, and up
Now that, I’ve found
My way back from you
Ooh

Life is short, my friend. We can’t always find what we are searching for, perhaps because we know not what it is.

We can, keep trying. Even when we’re predestined to fail, we still can try. One foot in front of the other, no matter how much slack is on our line. Scramble up a mountain, a few feet at a time, with breaks to stop the world from spinning. A broken record can still play a pretty song, certain melodies deserve a second or third listen.

Move on, and up
My mind is clear
Remembering all the things I’ve done
Done
All the things I’ve done.

What more can I say?

Here’s to now. Follow your heart. It knows what it wants.

Yours,
N.

 

 

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Maybe I listen more than you think

Magellan,

Have I mentioned that the office right next to the one I work in is Magellan Architects? What’s in a name?

I am on the edge of my seat… On Thursday night I’m headed to Denver to see one of my very good friends and I cannot wait! I need a break from Seattle like you wouldn’t believe.  I’ve been trying to make better decisions based on how I imagine my actions will affect me.

It’s glorious being selfish, isn’t it? Finding a little self-imposed solitude refreshing.

Have you ever had anyone tell you that they’ve been working on themselves, but you already liked them just the way they were? Just a thought reminiscent of a conversation I think I had.

And I can tell that somebody sold you
We said we’ve never let anyone in
We said we’d only die of lonely secrets

I’ve pickled another situation but based on a gchat I’m fairly confident that this one will see it’s self out as well. No wonder I’m ready for flight as an anatomic response to the stress of letting someone go.

I always do my best to not revert to apparition status, but seriously. It sucks to let a person down.

The system only dreams in total darkness
Why are you hiding from me?
We’re in a different kind of thing now
All night you’re talking to God

Admittedly, I spent so much time pining for a partner but when one presents itself (and one that could be appealing on paper) I just can’t get into it.

I thought that this would all work out after a while
Now you’re saying that I’m asking for too much attention

I want that spark when someone walks in the room. You know what I mean. All the other boxes checked, yes. But that spark needs to ignite, too. If you’ve felt it you know. You need it, even a little bit.

Also no other faith is light enough for this place
We said we’d only die of lonely secrets

So on solitude. I have to hold out for a chemical reaction. I embrace the hours and miles I have to myself. Had the most incredible run on Saturday, set to one of our favorite bands. 10 miles never felt so swift. Sometimes, it seems that eons pass while I’m out flitting about town. Seasons will change and I’ll traverse at least four neighborhoods. The day seems different, new. When I end time is stranger than when I started.

And I cannot explain it
Oh, any other, any other way
I cannot explain it
Oh, any other, any other way

Do you have to tell people that you are okay? Scream it from hilltops or share it on social media? Write it out in letters? Or is it okay to just be. Just plugging away. Day in, day out. Runs at daybreak. Thoughts of those sparks you share with people you shouldn’t.

Maybe I make things up in my head, but there is a lot of room to escape from when you have 8 miles to burn. You can’t, however escape from someone who lives in a studio apartment if you stay.

I cannot explain it
Any other, any other way
I cannot explain it
Any other, any other way

In fight or flight I flee. Yet I am a moth, searching for that perfect light.

Yours,

N.

Driving many miles, knowing they’d get here

Magellan,

How was your Labor Day weekend. Mine was great! Thanks for asking.

I picked up a project from my former employer, which not only will help me catch up with my expenses, but is actually going to be pretty fun to do… (Guess what I will be doing tonight alongside a glass of wine… Yup!)

On Saturday some of the crew headed west across the peninsula to the coast. It was a rather wonderful day, full of car rides and beach sits. We had two four-legged companions to round out the brood.

Remember when I was trying to leave? These are some of the people that helped convince me to stay just a little bit longer. My other friends went on a trip and of course, didn’t invite me.

When they got here, all exhausted
On the roof leaks they got started
And now when the rain comes
We can be thankful

But, such is. Life is made for pairs and I am a gosh-darn soloist. Jokes on them. I breathed in the salty air of the coastline while the wildfires of Oregon smoked them out.

It is who you’re with, not where you go but sometimes the views are incredible. And sometimes the leftovers are the best few friends to share a long drive west with.

Oh ah oh
When the mountaineers
Saw that everything fit,
They were glad and so they took off

This morning on my daily run as the sky gained light it was a muddy green. A somber hue that rendered me reminiscent of a youth spent with summers full of tornado weather.

Do you feel the same love/hate for the Midwest as I? There are elements I miss terribly: Lightning bugs that symbolize all that is summer. Thunderstorms. The snow in winter, that blankets the town while soundproofing the landscape. The sound of cicadas and air conditioners harmonizing on sultry late July afternoons.

Then, there are things that I don’t miss at all. Getting catcalled on the streets of Chicago. The cold that burns your nose in January, and scarves soggy from your very breath. The dead branches against a grey sky. The inevitable snow on your birthday after one too many months of blah.

Thought we were devoid
A change or two
Around this place
When they get back they’re all mixed up with no one to stay with

But now we are here. With a goal to make the most of people and moments. And silly jobs for organizations with no purpose and a boss along for the salary increase and ride. It is what it is and it is temporary. As is life.

Temporary.

The village used to be all one really needs
That’s filled with hundreds and hundreds of
Chemicals that mostly surround you
You wish to flee but it’s not like you
So listen to me, listen to me

What is going on with our skies? Ash rains down and oh how we wait for the clouds to cry, right? Wildfires are real. I hope the rains come soon for all of us.

Oh, and when the morning comes,
We will step outside
We will not find another man inside
We like the newness, the newness of all
That has grown in our garden soaking for so long

I’m feeling like there is so much to get done and so very little time to do it all. I imagine that’s how it will go for awhile until it slows to a crawl.

Whenever I was a child I wondered what if my name
Had changed into something more productive like Roscoe

I can’t wait for Thanksgiving. I miss my mom and pops. And my little brother. I spent so long resenting them only to realize how lucky I am to have such kind people a part of my life.

1891
They looked around the forest
They made their house from cedars
They made their house from stones

I’m not sure how we’ll all get back together but at the end, “We must cultivate our garden.”

Still figuring that one out.

Yours,

N.

 

If I had known the graceful song I should know

Magellan,

How’s it hanging.

Not gonna lie. Today was a rough Monday. Struggle bus city. Yesterday I crashed a BBQ and had a friend ply me with wine and meats. Not the worst, really.

I did get to see Hot Pete yesterday so at least there is that! That is a man that knows how to give a hug. He still has that same look in his eyes as he did the first time I saw him nearly 10 years ago in Chicago, and I still can’t tell what it means.

My run this morning left my body feeling completely disjointed. It was like I had to fixate on every repetitive motion. I had to tell my surly left leg to move, extend, propel and push. And then the right. Repeat.

But I don’t know the tune
Its a burden on my sorry soul
I don’t have a clue
Its a weight upon my empty skull

Does that ever happen to you? Often when I walk around town I find myself having to tell my individual limbs to work together to move me forward.

It was dark this morning. Summer is slipping away, she’s already rooting around in the closet for warm wool sweaters that scratch but keep you oh so warm. The dark appears much as I’d guess and echo escapes into a quiet night. Void of movement I scan the horizon with bleary eyes (because shit, I’m getting old and need glasses).

I caught, to my surprise, the first sunset of the year of which I observed at Golden Gardens. At the critical moment (and it was barely that long) when the sun dipped below the Olympic Mountains I blew through an entire cartridge of film. Of the 8 burned photos, it was worth it. I’d say the series isn’t that impressive but at least 4 snapshots captured perfect, simple moments. Children chucking sand. Lesbians taking in the Sound. The light flashing before it hid itself away.

If I had known the graceful song I should know
To slow down all the madness
I would have sung a whispered melody
to calm you and keep you close

I don’t know what I’m doing but perhaps I’ll figure it out yet.

I don’t know the tune
Its a burden on my sorry soul
I don’t have a clue
Its a weight upon my empty skull

But my brain remains optimistic and always, half full.

Yours,

N.

I got too many people I got left to prove wrong

Magellan,

Greetings again from lovely Redmond. Let’s go ahead and call it and say that letters are now getting composed on Mondays… I have been having too much fun with my weekends.

So… I still have a job. That is good. Pay for the things to do the stuffs. Also, still highly likely to do four 10’s so maybe I’ll be able to keep this for a year.

My roommate has introduced me to one of my new favorite songs, def a departure from the throaty tenors and baritones of The National and Lord Huron.

And I’m so sick of crying, yeah
Darling, what’s it for?
I could fight forever, oh, but life’s too short

Speaking of roommate- she’s been gone for forever. She went on a bike ride across the great state of Iowa, followed by friends and camping in Colorado. She bopped home for a few days, then headed down to Oregon to catch the eclipse. I’m curious as to whether she will stay long enough to renew the lease. I’m pretty determined to keep the place regardless if she stays or leaves.

I hope she stays, she’s been a rock in my life.

Change is hard sometimes.

But also good.

Don’t let the bastards get you down, oh no
Don’t let the assholes wear you out
Don’t let the mean girls take the crown
Don’t let the scumbags screw you ’round
Don’t let the bastards take you down

Over the past weekend I had a friend who works for Dope magazine bestow free joints upon me and also a friend who works for a distributor donate 12 freaking bottle of wine to my stash as well as a stack of Eclipse glasses.

Totally won weekend.

Eclipse was meh IMO, but I’m sure it was extra groovy in totality. I was popular at my new office building since I had so many specs to share.

So we keep going. Runs have been good. I fucking love watching the sky change color in the morning. The initial getting out of bed can be a challenge (perhaps if I enjoy some of dat wine bounty) but the views are worth it.

Also, you know, gotta keep that booty fit.

I had a really nice (and nearly budget breaking) dinner with my friend Anh. We talked about dating and how maybe there actually isn’t enough room for someone in our lives like that right now. I mean, I like my life. I like my friends and I like my routines. I like waking up at 4:45 so I can POOP before I run.

Speaking of poop, OMG, I sure forgot about pooping in public work bathrooms (#secondpoop)…

But that’s life. I’m sure I’ll survive.

Here’s the thing. I’m preeeety sure I’m pretty great and if right now that’s a thing I do alone, then that’s gonna have to be okay.

Been underestimated
My entire life
I know people gonna talk shit
And darling, that’s fine
But they won’t break my spirit
I won’t let ’em win
I’ll just keep on living, keep on living, oh
The way I wanna live

Cannot wait to learn to skate. Hockey is gonna be so fun, I’m gonna be so bad but it’s probably one of those things that has always been missing.

Oh, speaking of terrible- went rock climbing at lunch last week 😀 I climbed all of 2.5 walls but I like the challenge and hope to improve just a tiny bit each week.

I may as well be quoting Bon Jovi at this point (Ooh, also I took my cat to Green Lake this weekend #whyamisingle #howcomeimsoawesome).

So Magellan, you owe me a beer. Afterall, I paid for the drinks on your birthday. Not keeping score, just hoping to have a drink with a friend.

Don’t let the bastards get you down, oh no
Don’t let the assholes wear you out
Don’t let the mean girls take the crown
Don’t let the scumbags screw you ’round
Don’t let the bastards take you down
Don’t let the bastards get you down, oh no
Don’t let the assholes wear you out
Don’t let the mean girls take the crown
Don’t let the scumbags screw you ’round
Don’t let the bastards take you down

Yours,

N.

I’m the last man runnin’

Magellan,

Greetings from beautiful Redmond.

How’s it going. I’ve been working for just over a week and let me tell you I like it not one bit.

Actually, it’s good to be back in society but ask me again in a week. Right now I am sitting alone in an office in case people want to come and pick up shirts from a “Tour de Redmond” event. Except I’ve been watching a lot of Sherlock and am pretty convinced I might get murdered being here on my own.

But such is life.

Guess what. I’ve decided to become the boyfriend I’ve always wanted. I’m gonna play hockey! First, I need to learn how to skate, but really. I’m pretty pumped.

Don’t know why I need you, I don’t need anyone
Don’t know why I need you, I don’t need anyone

So I’ve started running early in the morning which, now that the haze has cleared means one thing- glorious sunrises. Today was the first day I got to see a sunrise. Finally and it was incredible. Running in the morning makes me terribly happy. I find myself becoming a crab if I can’t get one in.

When I’m down on my luck, show me a good time
When I’m hot as a match, give me a punching bag
How we walk along the dock and watch the shadows fall
The crying gulls and I cry even more

I’m continuing my surrender to the universe. It beats wallowing or worrying.

Last Friday I was supposed to meet someone out but she ended up blowing me off. But, I had a really lovely time and made some new friends. Sometimes a person is just supposed to be alone.

And in the northern light
Our directions swing together
Oh, I was wrong – I was right
Our directions swing together

The commute has not yet been as bad as I was anticipating. Granted, I’m on the road by 7 am every morning. It takes a little longer on the way home. But, I think If I put in four 10 hour shifts I’ll be able to take Fridays off and that is just about the best damn thing I’ve ever heard.

I don’t know, Magellan. This is not where I thought I would be six months ago- heck even three. But, it’s what I got right now and it’s not the worst. Lonely, yes at times. Bored- once in a while but I can find a trail to run or a book to read. Relieved to have income once again (though I won’t believe it until that first paycheck hits).

Just got to make it 359 more days and I can justify planing my next retirement- and maybe the move to KC.

Or maybe I’ll stay. Who knows.

Yours,

N.

Heaven is a switchboard that you want to fight

Magellan,

I guess this is it. The end of this session of retirement, that is. In about half an hour I will leave to drive to my new jobby job.

I wish I felt less… indifferent. But, you have to work the job to pay for the car to drive to your job, right?

Anywhoo, I am actually a little excited. I think I’m gonna learn a ton and test myself a bunch. And hopefully start rock climbing on my lunch break.

Yesterday I met my friend Ashley at Outlander Brewery so we I could stare at our friend Hot Pete. (Seriously. Go take a gander at him. He’s that hot I bet you’d sleep with him given the opportunity).

While we were sitting there, one thing became apparent. Ashley has met a boy. Where else but tinder. The more she gushed on and on the more I realized another thing.

it was totally a dude who I went on 2 dates with before he ghosted me.

I am way more miffed about it all today than I was yesterday. It’s not that I liked him and envisioned our lives together with 2.5 kids and the picket fence. It’s that he didn’t have the decency to say “Hey, I’m not feeling it,” and also that for some reason I’m a person people don’t feel an obligation to treat like a human.

I’ve never lied about wanting to find a partner, and the trials and tribulations of trying to date in my 30s. I’ve even touched on the fact that it seems when given the option between me and someone or something else- people choose that other thing.

And I just don’t get it. I do my best to be thoughtful for the people I care about. I try to do special things for each important person in my life. For the most part, I try to keep the boring, less fun shit inside (or limited to whiney letters to a penpal who never writes back).

When will someone pick me?

I have a really good friend, perhaps I even have feelings for him that are confusing. But since meeting me (and all my friends) he has had a crush on nearly every single (single) lady friend I have.

But not me.

I try to be as real as I can, because there is nothing worse than spending 2 or 3 years pretending to be someone you are not and then “Surprise, just kidding.”

I don’t know.

I’ve been running on and off despite the air quality warnings. At this rate (since I’ll likely die all on my lonesome) I’d rather go happy and with a banging body than with depression and diabetes.


Sky is burning
But at least we’re warm
Go and run yourself a million miles
Hoping that the colors run out

I’m trying really hard, Magellan I am. Trying to be the best person I can. Trying to be happy. For her sake, I hope this dude works out, and doesn’t ghost her the way he did to me. I know she needs someone in her life that can care for her.

I’m trying to take advantage of my alone time. I’m painting and writing and dreaming. (and running). I’m always always always trying to grow and learn about this crazy world we live in. Attempting to be gracious and courteous and kind.

But god damn if I’m not lonely as hell.

You can never see yourself
Ringing all around it
No one is on lake Michigan
You labored on, lake Michigan

I wish it would go away, but it nags at me in the middle of the night and all the daylight waking hours. (The only time I feel any sense of reprieve is when I’m- you guessed it, running).

So it’s the first day of the rest of my life! Will be good to be back around humans.

Can’t help but look forward to the day that someone will pick me.

Talk to you again in a week.

Not another payoff
Get off of my stack
Leave a little window
Get off of my stack
You know it won’t do
Get off of my stack

Yours,N.