I caved and shared this secret with you waaaay before I intended to. Hopefully it finds you in the times you need it most.
Yesterday I helped my best friend in the world celebrate the end of her single life. Alexandra is my best friend in the entire universe and I would, murder someone for her. We met in my first year of art school, but we grew close our second year in drawing II, with a Scottish instructor. She was left-handed, I right so we would sketch back-to-back and I would borrow her masking tape. At the time, I was dating someone from my high school and he didn’t want to let me make friends. She started asking me to hang out on nights, and when my relationship ended we kept hanging out. Eventually we moved in together, first sharing a bedroom for a summer and then a house for the rest of our undergraduate.
I was always worried she would decide she didn’t want to be my friend, but one day after we had shared a bedroom for a week she was like, “Girl, you’re my best friend for life.” After school I spent most of 2008-2011 and my spare money flying to Brooklyn to visit her whenever either one of us had a meltdown, crisis or need to see each other’s silly face. I helped her complete her thesis and she always gave me some much-needed affection and arepas.
So ironically, this part of me is very sad/happy/jealous that she is about to get married and thus, eliminating her need for me. She is acquiring new “sisters” (in-law) and they are all going to be spouses to the same family of brothers and bear children of the same last name and she is doing this way before I have found someone. I always assumed we’d be doing this together and I can hardly leave my house to even meet someone, let alone trick them into marrying me. I’m so jealous, and so fearful that she won’t need me because here I am just moving across the country, alone.
But I have this mantra, the grass isn’t always greener and I know that it isn’t. I know her secrets and I know the hard things and I am very happy. She is marrying my friend, who while not perfect will love/protect/provide her with an amazing life.
I cried at least 3 times today. One, on the Amtrak through Illinois to Wisconsin, because well, fuck. My best friend from high school told me she was pregnant, my best friend from undergrad is getting married and I am still wandering through life alone, and not sure if all these “normal” things are going to happen for me. The second cry was when I was driving a rental car through Wisconsin, listening to satellite radio when “Long December” (yes, that song by the Counting Crows- WTF!!!) made me cry and once in the back of my parents Ford Focus because they are just so damn cute, and I want a human that loves me like that.
I’m rambling now, but I’m (an organized) mess and I’m so happy for my loved ones but not sure what the heck I’m doing. This weekend has me feeling the feels (and I’m a feeler). I have this friend who is in a similar life boat to me, and it’s just so funny how life works. A month ago I was standing next to him in St. Louis watching LCD Soundsystem and he was in that moment, the only person I needed to be standing next to. It was perfectly random, but after 10 years we found ourselves in the same place at the same time. And it makes me think- sometimes we all feel like we are doing all this alone but sometimes all it takes is a poke into the universe to share incredible moments with people that see our real selves.
I’m gonna try to cry less and do more. I need to learn how to play the drums. That is a thought that just won’t go away and I’m not getting any younger.
I hope your travels are amazing. Send me a postcard soon.