Maybe I’m crazy to suppose I’d ever be the one you chose, out of a thousand invitations you’ve received

Magellan,

Sorry this letter is 2 days late.

Truth be told, I’m not even very sure where all the time has gone.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my Element Pole Theory. (The one where the universe squishes unlikely people and objects together for moments in time). Obviously, I notice it most when I am out running. There will be no one for miles then all of a sudden, bam, 2 couples walking in opposite directions, a labrador and a tree or light pole. And me.

The universe is strange. I am still not sure whether it is chance or fate that propels us forward. For example, I met a person on OkCupid because I ran a marathon and was broken and lying in bed and swiping right on anyone with a cute dog. They only happened to be in Chicago because there were terrible rain storms. I ended up in Seattle because this person suggested it, and now he is a good friend who might be selling me his car.

Or, I found a kind stranger on Craigslist who picked me to live in an attic apartment and now we are entering our third year of living together (now in a sweet house). Or, how I think I met you on the internet then one day a year later walked into a brewery where you happened to be working in your last week in Seattle. But now I have this project that I get to think about and do. Hopefully you find value in it too.

I think we get pushed together to help each other out. We can either take the opportunity or let it pass, and then we have to sit around (or go out and run about) and wait for the next chance. I am going on one last Tinder date tonight because I accidentally superliked this guy back in March and he (or two glasses of wine) finally tricked me into agreeing to a date. I’ll give the universe this chance. I don’t expect much, hopefully a new friend. After this, I’m deleting all the aps and waiting to run into my future husband while running. Or volunteering, or bus riding, or really anything.

On another subject, I am a little more depressed about the fact that I am not seeing my family this holiday season than I thought I would be. It’s my first Christmas that I am not spending with them. My brother gave me footed Blackhawks pajamas so that is pretty nice. The gal pals who are still in town are going to come over Christmas Eve and we are going to drink festive beverages and watch holiday movies.

My best friend is getting married in the Virgin Islands during the first week of the new year (the reason I didn’t spend money on plane tickets for Christmas) and I have to admit, I did not stick to a very good fitness plan. But, once I realized I’ll be the only single, dateless person in the whole wedding group I pretty much decided to give zero fucks. That’s the thing. Maybe the universe just wants me to do all this shit solo right now. It’s hard. My biological clock is straight-up ticking, loudly. It’s Christmas and I feel like I should be sharing all these traditions with my own family. The absence of having these things makes me question my value. It’s as if maybe I just don’t deserve or get to have these things. Like there was an Elemental Pole moment where I made the wrong choice and now I have to wait (and wait and wait) for another chance moment.

Just because you want something, doesn’t mean you can have it.

I’m still hoping for my Christmas miracle, though not sure I believe in Santa anymore. Life gifts are far and few between and I can’t believe I found the right job. Asking for more seems greedy. 2016 has been a whatayear. I don’t know right now. I’m trying to remain optimistic about things, even though I just want to stay in bed and sleep until 2017.

I don’t have plans for new years eve. Just once, I kinda wish I had something fun to do with a human I want to spend the evening with.

I don’t think I’m greedy because I just want someone to share this life with.

‘Til next time.

Yours,

N.

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