Its not your heart that you’ve you been thinking of, just the feeling like you’re going to die

Magellan,

Skipped a week. I know. I have a job job now and I was more social/tired/active/lazy last week then I thought I would be.

Phew. Life is different. I feel like I got my groove back since I returned from the island. It’s amazing what having something to do each day that actually challenges and excites you can do. Two Fridays ago I went to a Creative Mornings lecture. I ran into this guy who I had seen at a few other events (and he came to the Fuckup Night). I managed to snag a card from him, and he ended up coming out that night for drinks with some of my friends. This past Friday we all went to a bluegrass fundraiser and my new friend came out again. Actually, most my friends came through at some point and it was just wonderful to see everyone. And live music! I need much more of that in my life, I really do.

The thing is, I feel a little guilty. I am having a really good fucking year so far. I got to go to a tropical island. I’ve gotten to start a new job that I think I love. I even got to see my little brother. For some fucking reason I have woken up at nearly 4:30 am every single day since I returned from the island, so I’ve been trying to go run everyday by 5:30. It’s odd, running in the dark but I strangely look forward to it as I try to fall asleep (or flat out pass out at 8:00 pm).

Seattle is quiet early in the morning and I like it. There are a few other runners, and last Thursday I even high-fived one (who the fuck am I? I hate 1, touching strangers and 2, high-fiving people while I’m running). I did get to run a little later on Friday and the sky was AMAZING. I don’t know how I lived without the mountains before.

So I did the march because, you kind of have to. I’m a woman who has friends been lucky enough to encounter (throughout my lifetime) humans that are of many different backgrounds, colors, sizes, shapes, gender identities, sexual preferences, religions, etc and my life is richer because of it. I had many feelings throughout the day. I might not be ready to talk about this one yet.

This letter is crap, Magellan, and I’m sorry. I wish we could go grab a coffee and chat in real life. I feel so incredibly different than I did back in say, November. I have so much more optimism than I felt before, especially with all things considered. While the yearning for a partner is still there (same as it ever was) I have a whole lot more things to distract myself with (like making new friends, seeing music and kicking some major ass at my job). My friend Harry told me it’s incredible how different I seem. I feel the same, just a whole lot better.

The sleeping is still hard. I fall asleep early most work nights only to wake up frequently throughout the night. Or, I lie in bed, tired through my bones and can’t seem to make the mind quiet down. I need a human to snuggle I think. I love Bon Jovi, but his little kitty face (and also the noisy one) might be keeping me awake.

Do you think love is a real thing? I’m not sure. I want to think it is. I think I love people. I know I care deeply for my family and friends. Friends who have become family. What crazy chemicals must be flowing through our brains? And the things that trigger their release.

Also, what are you doing in California?!! SO CLOSE, my friend.

Alright. Again, sorry for this jumbled mess. I didn’t run today, so clearly it’s affected my ability to structure a sentence. I’ve been thinking of you.

Yours,

N.

PS- about that Elemental Pole Theory. It’s when a street will be empty for a long stretch of time, but the moment a car is going one way another will turn in and someone will have to pull over so the other can get by (you know, on these small Seattle streets). It’s when you’re running at 5:30 in the morning and the only people you encounter (with their dog on an endless leash) happen to be passing a bunch of shrubbery and you get forced into interacting. It’s when you go grocery shopping at a late hour yet keep running into the same person who is the only other person in the store.

The universe is trying to give us clues I think. We have so much to learn.

 

 

 

 

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