I don’t want to wait anymore I’m tired of looking for answers, take me some place where there’s music and there’s laughter

Magellan,

Getting to this a day early while I’m inspired. Or you know, having some feels. (Also, read this as bullet points from my week).

Have you ever thought about how the sky is like a mood ring for the earth. Sometimes its grey and melancholy. Sometimes it’s pink, yellow and blue with optimism. Sometimes it’s a nostalgic shade of purple, that reminds you of attempts to mix red and blue into a tertiary color. Sometimes it’s black with little specks of glitter signifying cold, pure excitement.

I’m so obsessed with how light reflects on water, especially in the early morning. Also, how the sky starts to gain light. I love that grey-turned-blue. And Larry, the cat that I named from the street in the window with the Christmas lights. I’ll have to snap him to you next time he’s in the window.

I was supposed to go on a date this week, but I got stood up. And I was actually relieved about that, so that has to say something. When I realized the dude wasn’t going to show I went and watched hockey and that was better than forced conversation on a date with a stranger. I think the peeps at the Angry Beav are starting to warm up to me and it’s about fucking time.

It was ladies’ night at the hardware store. It’s always one of my favorite events of the year. We (roomz and I) missed out on the swag bags this time (and also DID NOT win the raffle). It was fun, though. We had one of the employees corner us by the bee keeping stuff and explain how easy it is to host mason bees. As someone who is fairly allergic to bees, I don’t think I will be a candidate to have them (even though they allegedly don’t sting very often). It was interesting to learn about the process. Did you know that in the winter you can put them in a container in your fridge to hibernate? Crazy!

Other things have ended, for good this time and that is a relief. Also, I have a new polaroid pen pal, so we’ll see what he sends in reply. (Ahem, someone needs to send me a postcard, sir.).

My friends from the island drunken FaceTimed me this week and it was the exact thing that I needed. I know that this is the one I am supposed to be in, but so often I feel like I picked the wrong Washington. Time zone math, well it gets to you. I think we are going to try and plan a group vacation for July. (Ahem, San Juan islands or somewhere you might want to be…).

We’re exactly where we are supposed to be. (That’s some We Are Scientists). Not sure I believe that but I am sure as hell going to make the most of now. Here’s to now (that’s what my friend Tavio used to say). It’s an in-between time again, but I think that is ok.

Here’s to now indeed.

“Be it for reason, be it for love
I won’t take the easy road”

Yours,

N.

Advertisements

And it feels like I’ve been with you but, oh, what did you you do and where have you gone

Magellan,

Hey you. I had one of those glorious morning runs today. It started out in the dark, and it was misty. I always stop running at the fire hydrant at the top of my street to reduce the pressure on my body as I amble down the way towards my house. There is a house with a grand cat tree in the window, and the pane itself is framed by LED holiday lights. I have dubbed that cat that hangs out on the perch Larry, and this morning he was sitting there, and it made me happy.

The sky is starting to get lighter earlier. I’m ready for more daylight.

It’s been a weird week month year life. And that’s ok.

I think I miss you and I don’t even know you.

Do you ever wonder how attached to our own solitude we get? I know as a runner that my jaunts out into the world are pure alone time, and I love them. I worry that I like my alone time too much.

I had a really good moment with my friend Anh last weekend. I think we’ve both spent a lot of our lives trying to understand the meaning of it all. I was feeling a bit soggy, but he said “Why don’t you make a list of all the things you want to do. Then do them.” Eureka. So easy. So obvious.

Sometimes you just need someone to plink you in the forehead.

Yesterday, a friend texted me that he felt like he was bored, stuck in Groundhog Day. A movie, ironically that was filmed in my hometown. I asked what he was going to do to change that.

Today I asked myself, what am I going to do to change that. I had a really nice thought while I showered that I am in fact, not afraid to change things. It takes time, to figure it all. First you have to be able to articulate what it is you want to do. Then, you have to plan. Then action. Quelling my impatience is the hard part. Also maybe, finding the words to explain what I want to do. I’m good on the action- it’s just getting to that point.

Guess what I think I’m gonna do?! (You have to wait, but it pretty much screams mid-life crisis. I mean, maybe more of a “Shit I’m turning 32 very soon”).

They let me write the things at work! It’s great!

There is a music festival in Denmark in August and I want to go and you should go with me. K?  (On my list of things I want to do). I can meet you there, or somewhere in between. I have 13 vacation days (plus 4 if you count bookending weekends) after mid May. I’m pretty good at the budgeting (don’t tell anyone) so I can figure out how to get there. The National is supposed to be there and some other good stuff.

Think I’m about to buy a car. I’m ready to road trip the fuck out of the Pacific Northwest. Do I go Subaru, or just get the Kia Soul of my dreams. I really just want a Kia Soul so I can get a vinyl decal that says “#gotthatkiasoul” also, I want a shrug emoji stick figure with a cat on each side. I think I pretty much should stick to my plan of being as ridiculous as responsibly possible. (Plus, I can afford to get a new Kia while a new Subaru will take years to pay off. Although, one of my tattoos is the Pleiades which is technically Subaru…)

If I got a Subaru I’d only be a girlfriend and a golden retriever away from every PNW stereotype ever.

Anyways, should get back to work. Sorry I missed Sunday. And then Monday. I think of you often.

Yours,

N.

 

 

I couldn’t find the quiet, I went out in the rain

Magellan,

I had a magic moment on the bus today. Right now, wherever your are will you please listen to the song “Pink Rabbits” by The National. So Good. Truth be told, I never got into this song before even though the album has been on heavy rotation for over a year. But I was sitting there on the bus, in the usual mist and gray of a Seattle morning just thinking about the day ahead of me.

For once I wasn’t worried about the things that had already happened, those bits I have no control over. Just thinking about the future. And happy. I was happy, with no real reason to be except that it was another day. A day where I woke up. Late, but I woke up. I went running. Felt so good I tacked on an extra 4 miles and ended up being over an hour late to work (speaking of rabbit holes).

“It wasn’t like a rain it was more like a sea
I didn’t ask for this pain it just came over me
I love a storm, but I don’t love lightning
All the waters coming up so fast, that’s frightening”

Life is so scary but it’s brilliant!

“You didn’t see me, I was falling apart. I was a television version of someone with a broken heart.” So good.

I’m pretty sure this song was written for me for this very moment.

Something is about to happen. There is a catalyst that appears right before things happen. It appeared right before I started the path to quit my last job. It appeared the day I met you and it appeared last night.

As much as I wallow, I cherish my solitude. I am thankful for the freedom to choose the steps I take with my own life.

The more I think back to that conversation with my father about finding the thing that scares people away and “working on it” or changing it, the more I know that that is the one thing I have to fight to hold on to. It’s the thing that gave me the strength to run marathons or move across the country. The thing that lets me leave situations where though I might be coasting I am not fulfilled or happy. The thing that gets me up at 5 am to exercise in the rain. The thing that allows me to connect deeply with people. The thing that fills me with optimism, even when the odds are stacked against me.

For Pete’s sake, it’s me.

So, Magellan. That’s whats happening in my head today. Who knows what will be there tomorrow.

I don’t understand this chorus  (or really this life) but I like it:

“You said it would be painless
The needle in the doll (when the sun kicks out)
You said it would be painless
It wasn’t that at all”
Yours,
N.

 

 

 

There’s always a siren, singing you to shipwreck

Magellan!

This morning I got going late. And it was wonderful. Instead of my usual 5:45 take off time, I left my house around 6:20 and it was magnificent. The sky was already bluer, there were pinks and oranges over the Cascades in the east and it was glorious. I am never as happy as when I am running… except well, occasionally I suppose you could guess what makes me happier. I mean, rarely does that happen…

I’m having a small issue with my left ankle, but I just keep hoping if I ignore it it’ll go away. I’m not sure when I could have injured it, so perhaps it’s from shoes? I’m not quite sure if its internal or external but I hope to get back to normal soon.

Because I started today late I had the luxury of watching the sun rise, a little bit. With this I decided that everyday is a gift from time, and I was not going to be sad today. For the most part, it worked. I guess that is what now needs to be. A time for me to try to put love into the world. It’s hard. It’s so easy to slip into angry. Or sorrow. A lot of National has been flowing from my stereo.

But now. I have this body that (usually) heals itself. I have this super challenging job, but it’s the right kind of challenge that triggers those parts of my brain that I want to use. I have these friends to help find their paths. I just have to be open to the adventures, while being true to myself.

Last week while wallowing, I had a phone conversation with my father. He asked if I knew what was “scaring the boys away” and if I should try to fix it. The thing is, that is the thing, the thing of things, that makes me me. By all means, if everything else changes that is the one thing to hold on to, amiright?

It could be that I’m incredibly independent, and if I really want something I go after it. It could be my ability to discern things quickly without worrying for the right answer. It could be that I’m in my 30s. Can’t help that one! It could be the cats, but these 2 little buggers are the little creatures keeping me smiling all the time (and flush with the snuggles).

The truth: I’m not sure what it is that scares them away, but I’m just not going to filter myself. I’m a human with capacity for love, compassion, and exploration of all that this life can offer. Is that really something to cover up?

On another note, I finally have a blog post up on my new jerb! I’m a writer for reals now. Not just a rambling letter composer. Also also, how are you so close yet not here? I could use a handsome man showing up on my porch. Just saying. No really, I keep hoping the universe will send me someone. That would be incredible. (DO IT!). Kidding. Not really.

Sorry this note is a day late. I was sick as a dog Saturday so needed to make up time yesterday. Sat around in the sun (I believe I snapped you) and saw some old friends. But I thought about you and hope you are finding whatever you are looking for. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, but the seeking is interesting. Just trying to figure it all out, I guess. Lonely as can be, but what can you do. Just cause you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s there. Learned that with the last one.

xo. I miss you.

N.

So good at being in trouble, so bad at being in love

Magellan,

It’s Monday (whoops).

But, it’s snowing. Glorious, blanketing fluffy snow billowing down from the heavens. I woke up at 5 to go running this morning, looked outside and saw the quiet covering and crawled back into bed. Needless to say, I overslept and made it in late to work. Only half the studio is in today, so it wasn’t really an issue. We just got epic sandwiches from Salumi and they were kinda the best thing I’ve put in my face for awhile.

How is life in California? Life here in Seattle is strangely good for the time being. I don’t even want to believe it is because I feel like everything was hard for so long, that these little things falling precariously into place couldn’t even belong to me. It’s as if I were to give in and admit that everything was sorting itself out that it would all come crashing down, hitting me in the mellon like a series of 10-pound snowflakes plunking me in the dome.

So, I do like someone and that is unexpected. Now I have to try not to be my usual overly direct and discerning self that tends to scare people away from the get-go. I don’t know how to do it. Let’s be real. I’m one of the weird ones. This one feels different though. Can’t tell if it’s because it really is or that I want it to, but all I know is I don’t want to fuck it up (I will). I’ve tried to be as honest about myself to this person as one can. I figure why pretend to be someone you’re not. Just dial down the crazy from a 7 to a 4.

Just kidding. Pretty sure I just tanked this one via text message.

OOH! I figured out the novel I want to write. Started it last night. I’m 807 words into it. Over the weekend I went Goodwill-ing and acquired about 12 books. I have read two of them in the past few days, and I must have found the right inspiration. GAH! So much excite. It’s been here, all along. I didn’t know how to start or the timeline to follow. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep it finally clicked so I flipped on my bedside lamp and wrote the first few pages. EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED. It has to be. No matter which route you choose at the fork in the road, every decision influences the choices you make later. I’ve always known that life is cyclic, it just hasn’t been until recently that I’m beginning to see how it all fits together.

It’s still snowing. Fluffy, wet half-inch-sized flakes spiraling towards earth at a 45 degree angle. I love the snow. It inspires a youthful optimism about the world and the passing of time if only for a moment.

Yours,

N.