There’s always a siren, singing you to shipwreck

Magellan!

This morning I got going late. And it was wonderful. Instead of my usual 5:45 take off time, I left my house around 6:20 and it was magnificent. The sky was already bluer, there were pinks and oranges over the Cascades in the east and it was glorious. I am never as happy as when I am running… except well, occasionally I suppose you could guess what makes me happier. I mean, rarely does that happen…

I’m having a small issue with my left ankle, but I just keep hoping if I ignore it it’ll go away. I’m not sure when I could have injured it, so perhaps it’s from shoes? I’m not quite sure if its internal or external but I hope to get back to normal soon.

Because I started today late I had the luxury of watching the sun rise, a little bit. With this I decided that everyday is a gift from time, and I was not going to be sad today. For the most part, it worked. I guess that is what now needs to be. A time for me to try to put love into the world. It’s hard. It’s so easy to slip into angry. Or sorrow. A lot of National has been flowing from my stereo.

But now. I have this body that (usually) heals itself. I have this super challenging job, but it’s the right kind of challenge that triggers those parts of my brain that I want to use. I have these friends to help find their paths. I just have to be open to the adventures, while being true to myself.

Last week while wallowing, I had a phone conversation with my father. He asked if I knew what was “scaring the boys away” and if I should try to fix it. The thing is, that is the thing, the thing of things, that makes me me. By all means, if everything else changes that is the one thing to hold on to, amiright?

It could be that I’m incredibly independent, and if I really want something I go after it. It could be my ability to discern things quickly without worrying for the right answer. It could be that I’m in my 30s. Can’t help that one! It could be the cats, but these 2 little buggers are the little creatures keeping me smiling all the time (and flush with the snuggles).

The truth: I’m not sure what it is that scares them away, but I’m just not going to filter myself. I’m a human with capacity for love, compassion, and exploration of all that this life can offer. Is that really something to cover up?

On another note, I finally have a blog post up on my new jerb! I’m a writer for reals now. Not just a rambling letter composer. Also also, how are you so close yet not here? I could use a handsome man showing up on my porch. Just saying. No really, I keep hoping the universe will send me someone. That would be incredible. (DO IT!). Kidding. Not really.

Sorry this note is a day late. I was sick as a dog Saturday so needed to make up time yesterday. Sat around in the sun (I believe I snapped you) and saw some old friends. But I thought about you and hope you are finding whatever you are looking for. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, but the seeking is interesting. Just trying to figure it all out, I guess. Lonely as can be, but what can you do. Just cause you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s there. Learned that with the last one.

xo. I miss you.

N.

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