I couldn’t find the quiet, I went out in the rain

Magellan,

I had a magic moment on the bus today. Right now, wherever your are will you please listen to the song “Pink Rabbits” by The National. So Good. Truth be told, I never got into this song before even though the album has been on heavy rotation for over a year. But I was sitting there on the bus, in the usual mist and gray of a Seattle morning just thinking about the day ahead of me.

For once I wasn’t worried about the things that had already happened, those bits I have no control over. Just thinking about the future. And happy. I was happy, with no real reason to be except that it was another day. A day where I woke up. Late, but I woke up. I went running. Felt so good I tacked on an extra 4 miles and ended up being over an hour late to work (speaking of rabbit holes).

“It wasn’t like a rain it was more like a sea
I didn’t ask for this pain it just came over me
I love a storm, but I don’t love lightning
All the waters coming up so fast, that’s frightening”

Life is so scary but it’s brilliant!

“You didn’t see me, I was falling apart. I was a television version of someone with a broken heart.” So good.

I’m pretty sure this song was written for me for this very moment.

Something is about to happen. There is a catalyst that appears right before things happen. It appeared right before I started the path to quit my last job. It appeared the day I met you and it appeared last night.

As much as I wallow, I cherish my solitude. I am thankful for the freedom to choose the steps I take with my own life.

The more I think back to that conversation with my father about finding the thing that scares people away and “working on it” or changing it, the more I know that that is the one thing I have to fight to hold on to. It’s the thing that gave me the strength to run marathons or move across the country. The thing that lets me leave situations where though I might be coasting I am not fulfilled or happy. The thing that gets me up at 5 am to exercise in the rain. The thing that allows me to connect deeply with people. The thing that fills me with optimism, even when the odds are stacked against me.

For Pete’s sake, it’s me.

So, Magellan. That’s whats happening in my head today. Who knows what will be there tomorrow.

I don’t understand this chorus  (or really this life) but I like it:

“You said it would be painless
The needle in the doll (when the sun kicks out)
You said it would be painless
It wasn’t that at all”
Yours,
N.

 

 

 

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