She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires

Magellan,

What a long strange week it has been.

This is the last letter in year 3.1. It hasn’t been the best year but it surely wasn’t the worst. (That would be 2009). I found myself crying in plenty of airports. I traveled to see friends and family in New Mexico, St Louis, Southern Illinois, Kansas, Wisconsin, California, Washington DC and Chicago. I took long drives across prairie states. I spent time giving away my best friend (and more crying my face off) in the Virgin Islands. I quit a job, freelanced the shit out of 4 months and in the 5th found a new one.

It was a whatayear.

Today I saw a smart car, but this one looked even stupider than the normal ones because it was a one seater. And then I realized. I’m this stupid one-passenger/driver smart car. But I’m not even a car. I couldn’t even get out to even think about looking at a car this weekend.

Does your body ever just hurt so hard, that the only thing that could fix it is to be held by another person. Do you think it hurts more when someone who could hold you is right next to you?

I ran extra today, and I felt silly because I wore my Blackhawks baseball cap, because for the first part of the run there was no precipitation, but as I finished up, choosing the high road today it came down in sheets. It’s like, is the wind making your eyes water or is that just the thinking? Oh, the feels. Yea. They come back.

THERE IS NO CRYING IN YOGA. Except for when there is.

I have to go it alone, and I have to keep going because I’m going to figure it out. And it sucks. It sucks to yearn for a partner, and it sucks to continually have to scramble to financially support yourself in a world designed to be part of a team or a unit. It sucks to try to speak your mind only to have people stop you mid sentence and it sucks when you have to filter.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I don’t want to wake up in 8.5 hours and go running again, I don’t want to walk around in the rain. I just don’t. I don’t want to stay here, inside either. I just don’t.

I miss my family. I hate that my friends are no longer in one place, but sprinkled across the states. I hate that even though I’ve been creative, true to myself, compassionate, educated, self-sufficient I still wake up alone. I hate that things I took for granted when I was a kid, assuming I’d have that partner and a family just might not happen for me. I thought I’d have a god damned dog by now.

I was out with friends of friends, and I bitched because the ride home was more than 30$ according to the app on my phone, and one of the dudes was like “You just need to get married and someone will drive you home” and I was like “If that were that easy I wouldn’t have had to sit here all night with you guys.”

I can’t even get anyone to stick around past a few weeks, yet I just can’t compromise myself at this point.

Something about the road to hell is paved with the best intentions?

I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and I don’t want to get older but it’s here, knocking on my door whether I want it to or not. I though I’d have more benchmarked by now. Earmarked? Accomplished? I don’t know anymore.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Yours,

N.

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