But if you try sometimes you just might find

Magellan,

I am having one hell of a time this spring, that’s for sure. First I lost little baby, now the job.

It sucks. I really wanted to prove myself. They called it a layoff, and well, I get that. I knew there wasn’t a ton of business and knew I would be the first to go. I knew it was happening before it happened. They did an ops meeting which they do every week, but when I heard the doors close to the conference room I just knew. Then my one coworker left followed by the other. My heart started pounding. My two bosses brought me in the conference room and told me they had to let me go.

Then they jabbed the knife in a little. Told me I needed to step up more (true). Told me I was defensive, which also has¬†an air of truth. I was sad because for folks who boast transparency as their guiding light it would have been helpful to address that defensiveness when it presented itself. I know I put a guard up to protect myself- I have to. I wish I could have more trust in people but it’s hard. I think my whole life I’ve struggled with feeling that there is no one looking out for me.

I struggled to connect with them. They are all talkers and I felt like I was always silenced. In retrospect, I should have just given them my usual unfiltered self. It is hard to join a team with so much history.

In college, I did a semester where I thought I was going to be a glass artist. The thing is, glass blowing is hard. But it’s not that hard. My problem was that I was so worried about following the correct procedure that I was unable to just go with the flow and react to the glass. (Also, I mean, come on. Glass? All anyone ever asked was if I made pipes or bongs. Not about the concept of the vessels I was creating or about the craft of it all).

So that’s that. Usually, I have faith in my discernment to go with the flow and react accordingly with confidence in my ability to quickly distill what I know, identify a problem and respond. I don’t know why I couldn’t turn it on. For most of the time I felt like there was this giant fog in whatever place in my brain that needed to work. And some of the depression I have been dealing with didn’t help either.

I am a little pissed- the day before they let me go I attended a digital marketing conference- my peers. I would have networked completly differently had I known I was losing my job the next day. I could have put feelers out to see who was hiring. I did, at least connect with 2 of the speakers (maybe going right to the top is the way to go) and potentially have a freelance opportunity for a super cool Seattle-based newsletter and a new mentor (who has published a book!).

You can’t always get what you want.

You can, however keep plugging away. There are so many kernels I will take with me so that’s good. Also! Oh, do you talk to Kyle? We are about to embark on a collaboration and I am so FUCKING excited. He’s really incredible. I’ve tried explaining to Alex (my Kyle) how terribly talented he is. And he can write! Hopefully we can digitize our project so you can follow along.

It’s funny. Randomly meeting you has been such a gift. Each week I get to dump my thoughts (some weeks are waaaaay more eloquent than others, obviously) and I’ve met your Alex, who is in some way really challenging me to think through a project that is going to hopefully lead to feeling ownership towards Seattle and actually get to know dozens of business owners, neighborhood by neighborhood.

At the conference my new mentor (hopefully) talked about chance encounters. You never know when you’ll be sitting next to your friend’s husband’s cousin who lives next door to someone’s sister who will change your life. Unburdened by my job, I actually finally feel like that fog is gone and maybe I have the tools to change my own life. And the right connections to make something happen.

Sometimes, you have to walk into a bar and start a project writing letters to a man about to travel the world.

But if you try some times, well you just might find. You get what you need.

Yours,

N.

You know when people change, they gain a peace but they lose one too

Magellan,

How’s it going?

This weekend was ok. Saturday felt like at least 4 different days. I drove up to Lynwood with my friend Dennis and looked for treasures at various Goodwills and thrift shops. Then we met up with our friend Anh for lunch, then played a little hacky sac. Then I tried to hang out with my friend Ashley but she was already super drunk at 5 pm. I am not a caregiver.

I feel bad… I know she is really unhappy here but I just don’t know how to help. I am a firm believer that if there are things you want, you take the steps to get the things you need. In her case, I honestly think if she could quit drinking and use that time to apply herself to what she really wants she’d have a better time. I dunno. I just know I’m too old to get that drunk… And she’s drunk every time I try to hang out with her.

I watched this foreign movie about love last night. There were these two people that met, and essentially their respective partners cheated on them with the other’s partner. The thing that stood out to me was that they discussed how when people decide that a relationship is over its because they can do better than the person they are with.

With this in mind, my last few partners think that they can do better than me. I’ve never really talked about Ted (have I?), so I guess now is a good time.

I had been dating this guy, Joel, back in Chicago. Except, he didn’t want to claim me as his girlfriend. One time we were at a show at the Fireside bowling alley and we were talking to one of his friends at the bar. The bartender asked, “Beer for your girlfriend?” and he said “She’s not my girlfriend.” Joel’s friend said “Oh, you’re just the girl he fucks.” I walked out and cried on the side of the building.

Then I rode my bike to Annie Sloan’s apartment and we watched the Joy Division movie and drank wine.

A few weeks later I went to visit Alex in New York, but I slept through my first flight and had to get on a later one. It had a connecting flight through Raleigh, North Carolina. At the airport bar I met an older Australian gentleman. I told him about Joel and he told me to be done with him. So, after my trip I went home and ended things with Joel in an email.

I felt free, for once. I figured maybe I wanted to move to Brooklyn. I don’t know. I’m not just some girl you fuck.

Then, a week later my friend Kaitlin had a birthday party. I was having a good time and in walked this boy who kinda glowed and I pointed and said “I want that one.” That was Ted and we ended up dating for 3.5 years.

He was my best friend for a lot of that time, but there were things I never knew. There were things I should have known. I spent the first 3 years thinking I would marry him, and that last .5 trying to convince myself I still felt that way. I called him Panda and he called me Koala. We had great Halloween costumes… One year we were Finn and Jake from Adventure Time. One year we were the kids from Moonrise Kingdom.

But at the end, we just wanted different things. In the easiest breakup ever, I told him “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you,” and he said “Ok.” I guess he thought he deserved a better person than me.

The thing is, I think I’m pretty awesome. Sure, I’m a little bit of an acquired taste, but I’m pretty solid. I go after the things I want. I’m a woman of my word. I take care of myself to the best of my ability. I am always trying to grow or be better.

But I’m so lonely. Should I have stuck out that symbiotic companionship? No, but damn. I miss having someone to spend Saturdays with. I have all these male friends who don’t even feel the passing of time like I do, and think we all have so much time. And this is our real life! And it just keeps happening whether we want it to or not.

And Ted, this human I loved (and still do) doesn’t respond to phone calls or texts so it’s like the 4 year chunk of our lives never happened. Though, because it happened I’m now in my 30s and single instead of married and working on a family. And my best friend from that time prefers to pretend that I don’t even exist.

But the winter will wash what is left of the taste.

So perhaps I don’t really exist. I’m not good enough to claim, or fight for. I’m just some girl you fuck.

Meh,

N.

 

Throw the sailors, overboard

Magellan,

I’m sure by the time you’re reading this it’ll already be closer to next week’s edition than the last. Sorry. A week ago I went to bed and haven’t woke up feeling the same since. Yesterday I called it, “A new kind of terrible each morning.”

What started off as the chills turned into aches, and nausea (which hasn’t quite gone away), to dripping mucous from every opening. ūüėÄ

Anyways, I’m nearly back to normal except for my super-sexy throaty nasal voice.

So I maybe filed my taxes? *insert shrug emoji*

How the heck is a girl ever supposed to get herself ahead. I am just not sure anymore.

Tonight for dinner I ate a sesame bagel with cream cheese (JUST LOOK AT ME ADULTING OVERHERR’).

Yep, just crushing it lately.

In short:

  1. I’ve been real sick. Yep yep, all the bad things happening to my bod.
  2. ¬†Since I’ve been sick I’ve been mostly sleeping. Little to update on
  3.  I maybe filed my taxes. at 7:30 pm on deadline day via turbo tax.
  4. I will never ever make more money than I have to spend on making money

Wish I had a clue…

Going to sleep some more. Hopefully next week’s letter will be stronger. My brain is mush.

Yours,

N.

Stressed by the distance of shoes and the bridges too far to be named

Magellan,

How are things?

I’m doing alright, alright.

Everyday I miss Tuesday. She was a good one. But life has to go on.

This morning I woke up early like I always do. I tried to find someone to go hiking with. I’m not very big on hiking, but when the sun is out and you’re trying not to go for a run but feel the need to be active it’s a nice trade. Also, one of my justifications for getting the Subaru was that I wanted to be able to travel at will just outside of the city. So, I took a drive and went for a little hike. I scaled a small mountain (and tried not to run although a few little dashes caught me…) and it was lovely. I listened to one of my favorite bands and I smelled the earth and walked towards the coulds.

My little brother is the shit. Yesterday, I was walking to go meet up with someone to talk about an art project (that I am OVER THE GOD DAMNED MOON) about, but as I was leaving my house I realized the mail had came. When I brought it inside to rifle through it, I found an Amazon package for me. (I had not ordered anything for myself from the company that is changing Seattle forever). So I opened it, and it had 2 CDs and I knew immediately that they were from Tom. And turns out, the new Future Islands is the best thing I’ve heard in forever. And the only CD player I have is in the new Subaru… Best. Driving. Music. Ever.

Have you ever just kind of felt like you found someone who was actually supposed to cross your path? I think this might have happened and I cannot wait to see where it leads. I am doing my best to embrace this time. The lonely, solo time. The moments I get to choose for myself. The people I get to decide whether or not I spend my time with. Anywhoo, through the absolute most random of occurrences, someone has entered my life in a way that I don’t think I’ll be able to keep living without a change. And it’s such an beautiful, empowering change.

It’s a human to relate to. It’s a friendship that can only grow. It’s realizing that these stories about people and life, the ones I struggle to articulate and share that someone. Someone feels this pull from the universe as well. I’m so excited for the next year of my life.

Last night I saw Radiohead, and naturally, they were incredible. Unfortunately, at 5’5″ the view is never going to be the best, and it was official, “everyone is going to fart a bunch” night but I ¬†had that incredible concert moment that everyone hopes for at a show. Maybe they don’t. I had that concert moment¬†I hope for.

I remembered the time in 2003, when I had found one of those flyers with the tear-off bits with phone numbers. Someone had 2 Radiohead tickets to sell because they had gotten better ones, and they wanted 50$. (I cannot remember if it was each or total, but I grabbed the number and gave it to my then boyfriend). We ended up catching a ride from Carbondale to St. Louis and saw Radiohead and it was incredible. While I was watching them last night in Key Arena, I was finally, after nearly 15 years so incredibly thankful for that first major relationship. That was the one where you just don’t know any better, and you don’t quite have your own identity, but you still believe that love can conquer damn near anything, and be absolute. You are so young you believe another human can love you more than you love yourself. And everyone deserves to have that kind of love, at least once in their lives. That just happened to me when I was 18-20.

But I am¬†so strong now. I am so free, and so able to take advantage of the moments and people and places that are best for me. I have so much that so many people don’t have, especially ones who have settled for things that will never let them really explore all that they can be. I have enough faith in myself to say “No, that’s not what I want” and I have the ability to make dumb choices, but the freedom to recover.

I wish I could articulate it with justice, but I am so inspired and ready for whatever is next. I don’t want to give that credit to another person for these thoughts, but I am really happy to have found a friend I can finally relate to.

Yours,

N.

To think I might not see those eyes, makes it so hard not to cry

Magellan.

Last week. :,(

I don’t think I have any tears left. Just a ginger cat who finally realized his 12-year sidekick is gone. A little orange guy who will not be more than 5 feet away from me. We can only sort of hold each other and try not to look or listen for her.

I had to do it. I had to make the call. It made my soul shake and snot seep out both nostrils. My eyes burned and my heart ached and there is the biggest missing piece yet.

It’s more than a pet. It is losing a companion. It is losing a keeper of ¬†twelve years worth of memories and hope. It is losing the best damn alarm clock, and it’s losing a limb. It’s losing a best friend and a giant piece of me.

I’m so lucky. I had this creature that loved me, more than anything besides maybe Bon Jovi.

I know to some it seems like a simple grief, and I should be over it already but this was my unit. No matter how hard life seemed, or how behind, or how unsuccessful I was with everything, I had this little being that didn’t care. She¬†just wanted to curl up on my chest, or yell at me to fill up the food bowl then look at it like, “Ok, great. I’ll eat this later.” She was such a piece of the last decade+ of my life.

She died in my arms. I took her back to the vet. Well, Elizabeth drove because if that wouldn’t have happened I would have been sleeping in the bathtub with Tuesday while she lived her last days, dying of extreme hunger and thirst. She had stopped eating and drinking. They sent me home from the vet (the time I got to bring her home) with antibiotics, and antacids, and an IV bag of fluid. I was supposed to grab my love, twice a day and insert a very large needle into her back and give her 50cc of fluid 2x a day. Grab, my darling little cat who up until last Friday was only held when she deemed ok, (or forced into it for her once-a-day snuggle/I love you). And she just let me. She was so far gone, she didn’t even flinch when I stuck a giant needle into her scruff.

She died in my arms. Elizabeth and I cried, more than for either of our breakups. She was our baby. She was the little cat that never tried to run away. She would sit, in the hallway halfway between each of our rooms to make sure we were both safe. She would often pick the one who needed her most, and rest her little soul-patched chin on our legs or our arms.

And the last person, the girl who took her away, after her last breath had passed through her little kitty face. That bitch called her Wednesday. She was a Tuesday. She was the day where you still have a few to figure it out. It’s not Monday, so it’s not terrible. In college Tuesday was dollar night at Hangar 9 and we would go and dance, and drink $1 gin and tonics. And love, oh how we would love. I would say 75% of my Carbondale polaroids are from dollar night. Tuesday was not a Wednesday. Just googled it. Tuesday was born on August 13th, 2005. That was a Saturday. She now owns 3 days of the week. The day she was born, the day she walked into my life to stay, and the day I had to say goodbye. She owns all of them, if you think about it, because all days end in day. But Tuesday will always be my favorite day.

After we said goodbye, we came home and drank one of Elizabeth’s fancy champagnes that she had got from her old job. We looked at all the polaroids I had taken and turns out Elizabeth had her own extensive kitty picture collection from both the nuggets. Tuesday would have been so mad at how much we cried over her, but we listened to Billie Holiday and tried to think of all our favorite Tuesy stories.

I’m going to stop apologizing for feeling. These emotions are me.

Another thing I want to stop apologizing for is my new car. Yep, I got her! She is glorious, and I love her. (And she is, the color of little muffin’s eyes). I am tentatively calling my Subaru “Bae B” and I think that’s fitting. I bought myself a brand-spanking new car. The exact one that I want. I saved for 2 years to make the down payment. My monthly payments might be a smidge higher than I would like, but in 4 years I will fully own the exact car I want.

I’m a god-damed golden retriever and girlfriend* away from EVERY PNW¬†stereotype. And I don’t give. A Flying. Fuck.

*also, though I may have dabbled I am 99% sure I am still looking for a husband, not a lovely lady partner. (I mean, I essentially have one with my roommate, though none of the fun sex stuff…).

But the car, goal one of my 3.2 “To Do” list. Now just learn the drums, write a novel and go to Denmark (or international).

Also, build Jovi a cat backpack because I can’t leave him home all by himself, can I.

That was a long, shitty week. Perhaps this next one will help some love find it’s way back into my life, and start filling the hole left by my one true, lady love.

Yours,

N.