Stressed by the distance of shoes and the bridges too far to be named

Magellan,

How are things?

I’m doing alright, alright.

Everyday I miss Tuesday. She was a good one. But life has to go on.

This morning I woke up early like I always do. I tried to find someone to go hiking with. I’m not very big on hiking, but when the sun is out and you’re trying not to go for a run but feel the need to be active it’s a nice trade. Also, one of my justifications for getting the Subaru was that I wanted to be able to travel at will just outside of the city. So, I took a drive and went for a little hike. I scaled a small mountain (and tried not to run although a few little dashes caught me…) and it was lovely. I listened to one of my favorite bands and I smelled the earth and walked towards the coulds.

My little brother is the shit. Yesterday, I was walking to go meet up with someone to talk about an art project (that I am OVER THE GOD DAMNED MOON) about, but as I was leaving my house I realized the mail had came. When I brought it inside to rifle through it, I found an Amazon package for me. (I had not ordered anything for myself from the company that is changing Seattle forever). So I opened it, and it had 2 CDs and I knew immediately that they were from Tom. And turns out, the new Future Islands is the best thing I’ve heard in forever. And the only CD player I have is in the new Subaru… Best. Driving. Music. Ever.

Have you ever just kind of felt like you found someone who was actually supposed to cross your path? I think this might have happened and I cannot wait to see where it leads. I am doing my best to embrace this time. The lonely, solo time. The moments I get to choose for myself. The people I get to decide whether or not I spend my time with. Anywhoo, through the absolute most random of occurrences, someone has entered my life in a way that I don’t think I’ll be able to keep living without a change. And it’s such an beautiful, empowering change.

It’s a human to relate to. It’s a friendship that can only grow. It’s realizing that these stories about people and life, the ones I struggle to articulate and share that someone. Someone feels this pull from the universe as well. I’m so excited for the next year of my life.

Last night I saw Radiohead, and naturally, they were incredible. Unfortunately, at 5’5″ the view is never going to be the best, and it was official, “everyone is going to fart a bunch” night but I  had that incredible concert moment that everyone hopes for at a show. Maybe they don’t. I had that concert moment I hope for.

I remembered the time in 2003, when I had found one of those flyers with the tear-off bits with phone numbers. Someone had 2 Radiohead tickets to sell because they had gotten better ones, and they wanted 50$. (I cannot remember if it was each or total, but I grabbed the number and gave it to my then boyfriend). We ended up catching a ride from Carbondale to St. Louis and saw Radiohead and it was incredible. While I was watching them last night in Key Arena, I was finally, after nearly 15 years so incredibly thankful for that first major relationship. That was the one where you just don’t know any better, and you don’t quite have your own identity, but you still believe that love can conquer damn near anything, and be absolute. You are so young you believe another human can love you more than you love yourself. And everyone deserves to have that kind of love, at least once in their lives. That just happened to me when I was 18-20.

But I am so strong now. I am so free, and so able to take advantage of the moments and people and places that are best for me. I have so much that so many people don’t have, especially ones who have settled for things that will never let them really explore all that they can be. I have enough faith in myself to say “No, that’s not what I want” and I have the ability to make dumb choices, but the freedom to recover.

I wish I could articulate it with justice, but I am so inspired and ready for whatever is next. I don’t want to give that credit to another person for these thoughts, but I am really happy to have found a friend I can finally relate to.

Yours,

N.

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