I am having one hell of a time this spring, that’s for sure. First I lost little baby, now the job.
It sucks. I really wanted to prove myself. They called it a layoff, and well, I get that. I knew there wasn’t a ton of business and knew I would be the first to go. I knew it was happening before it happened. They did an ops meeting which they do every week, but when I heard the doors close to the conference room I just knew. Then my one coworker left followed by the other. My heart started pounding. My two bosses brought me in the conference room and told me they had to let me go.
Then they jabbed the knife in a little. Told me I needed to step up more (true). Told me I was defensive, which also has an air of truth. I was sad because for folks who boast transparency as their guiding light it would have been helpful to address that defensiveness when it presented itself. I know I put a guard up to protect myself- I have to. I wish I could have more trust in people but it’s hard. I think my whole life I’ve struggled with feeling that there is no one looking out for me.
I struggled to connect with them. They are all talkers and I felt like I was always silenced. In retrospect, I should have just given them my usual unfiltered self. It is hard to join a team with so much history.
In college, I did a semester where I thought I was going to be a glass artist. The thing is, glass blowing is hard. But it’s not that hard. My problem was that I was so worried about following the correct procedure that I was unable to just go with the flow and react to the glass. (Also, I mean, come on. Glass? All anyone ever asked was if I made pipes or bongs. Not about the concept of the vessels I was creating or about the craft of it all).
So that’s that. Usually, I have faith in my discernment to go with the flow and react accordingly with confidence in my ability to quickly distill what I know, identify a problem and respond. I don’t know why I couldn’t turn it on. For most of the time I felt like there was this giant fog in whatever place in my brain that needed to work. And some of the depression I have been dealing with didn’t help either.
I am a little pissed- the day before they let me go I attended a digital marketing conference- my peers. I would have networked completly differently had I known I was losing my job the next day. I could have put feelers out to see who was hiring. I did, at least connect with 2 of the speakers (maybe going right to the top is the way to go) and potentially have a freelance opportunity for a super cool Seattle-based newsletter and a new mentor (who has published a book!).
You can’t always get what you want.
You can, however keep plugging away. There are so many kernels I will take with me so that’s good. Also! Oh, do you talk to Kyle? We are about to embark on a collaboration and I am so FUCKING excited. He’s really incredible. I’ve tried explaining to Alex (my Kyle) how terribly talented he is. And he can write! Hopefully we can digitize our project so you can follow along.
It’s funny. Randomly meeting you has been such a gift. Each week I get to dump my thoughts (some weeks are waaaaay more eloquent than others, obviously) and I’ve met your Alex, who is in some way really challenging me to think through a project that is going to hopefully lead to feeling ownership towards Seattle and actually get to know dozens of business owners, neighborhood by neighborhood.
At the conference my new mentor (hopefully) talked about chance encounters. You never know when you’ll be sitting next to your friend’s husband’s cousin who lives next door to someone’s sister who will change your life. Unburdened by my job, I actually finally feel like that fog is gone and maybe I have the tools to change my own life. And the right connections to make something happen.
Sometimes, you have to walk into a bar and start a project writing letters to a man about to travel the world.
But if you try some times, well you just might find. You get what you need.