A state of being find so fleeting

Magellan,

Hey yah. Sorry I missed Sunday and also Monday.

I have had the most incredible past few days (since Thursday). Makes it real hard for a girl to decide whether she should stay or go.

On Thursday I went to Golden Gardens with a few friends. It’s always surprising how many people are not at work in the middle of the day. After we got our fix of vitamin D (I burned the backs of my knees, a fact I discovered when I took my first post-beach shower), we went and had tacos followed by gelato. Then I went to a rock show and met some of the most hilarious people I have found in Seattle. The band was not half-bad either (Moon Dial). All in all, I won Thursday.

Friday was nice too. Sat at Greenlake and watched people with a friend. Met up with another friend and had tacos again.

Saturday I rode passenger with a friend and we drove to the edge of the continent. Seriously, this state is so beautiful, I’m not sure if I can leave. The sky was so blue for the entire drive, but when we got to Cape Flattery there was a band of fog. We went to the edge and couldn’t see any further. It’s like the world is flat.

On the way back we caught the sunset over the Olympics from the ferry. Definitely not the worst.

On Sunday all the Memorial Day orphans who didn’t get to go camping met at Greenlake. It was a lovely day.

And on the fifth day, I rested.

I’m heading to Kansas City tomorrow. I’m hoping to find a little clarity as to what move to make.  I was feeling so alone until I made up my mind to leave and now I don’t know what to think.

Waiting on a feeling

How come life is what happens while you are busy making plans? Isn’t it funny? You try so hard to figure it out and learn as much as you can, but the more you are aware of you realize the less you know.

Too long a wire waiting on
It triggers when it wanna to
And how long you wanna wait it on
This feeling you’d never know or want
And out of line you were telling me
Things apparent that I could not see
Think about it we ain’t going back
This feeling you’d wanna wait

Yours,

N.

So lonely so pretty such a lack of diplomacy

Magellan,

Did you see? I started a new blog about running. Well rather, the thoughts I have while running. I’m excited for it, but it’s hard. I’m not clever, every time as you are well aware. I just wanted to get into the practice of writing every day, and since I run nearly every day it seemed like the practical thing to do. Also I need writing samples that are a little more, eh, censored. Next time you are bored you should check it out. I’ll try not to be too redundant but redundancy is one of my favorite words.

Spring/Summer is finally in Seattle and it is about time. Today I spent the day at Green Lake with my friends Anh and Dennis. We made jokes the whole day and it was nice to be in the sun. There was a guy roller skating around the lake the whole time we were there (which was hours upon hours). At one point Anh asked what we thought he was listening to on his headphones. I immediately suggested “Love Shack” and we all agreed that was totally what he was grooving to on repeat. I threatened to yell “AND GET YOUR JUKEBOX MONEY” at him on one of his next passes but then we moved away from the path and into some shade.

Then, like usual we part ways and I walked home and ever so conspicuously the inevitable sense of WTF am I doing with my life crept back in.

Far-out so far-out, such a fall-out
Not only that you’re lonely

Fight or flight. Treading water. Not moving. Fight or flight. I have a phone interview tomorrow for a job in Kansas. I’m worried I might actually get it and have to decide if I want to take it or not and I’m not sure what my answer would be.

I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I never did. I don’t know what to do next. Fuck. Here we go a fucking gain.

I had to lie on the living room floor for a little while.

Maybe I need some roller skates. Or some jukebox money.

All I want to do is run. I get up. I wait for my body to be ready. I run. I know how far I can go, and every few weeks I tack on a little extra distance. But then it’s over and I have the whole rest of the day to try and figure out what to do with my life.

I just want to keep running. When I’m running at least I’m doing something. I’m moving. I’m breathing. I’m thinking about love and life and the way when I breathe in air my lungs take it in and my heart pumps blood and it moves the oxygen through my body and my muscles flex and extend and propel me forward.

With running I get to hang out with my favorite songs. These endeared jams of former playlists keep my company while I think about old loves and new ideas. I battle with the elements and play chicken with other runners.

It’s the last thing I feel like I have, and I’m dangerously close to overextending myself. But I can’t stop. If I stop I won’t have a reason to get out of bed. And when it’s over I have to wait 24 hours to run again. I’m well back on my way to fighting weight for the first time in years. My roommate is doing the elimination diet (no wheat, cheese, alcohol, nightshades and other certain things) and I am on precisely the opposite.

Man, Magellan. I’m in a cannon right now. Not quite sure where to find the path back up, and it feels like it’s taking forever.

Forever is a long long time
When you’ve lost your way

Yours,

N.

Been talking ’bout the way things change, and my family lives in a different state

Magellan,

Howdy. Another week. I spent the entire day in bed yesterday. Entire day.

My best friend from high school just had a baby! She made a human. Her story of meeting her husband is super romantic. She went down to New Orleans for some cocktail festival that her friend was a part of. Her (then) future husband saw her in a bar and told his friends “I’m gonna marry that woman.” She lived in Chicago, he was from the Bay. They started writing letters. I remember sitting next to her at Bar Deville in Chicago while she got excited about writing him a letter, or finding the perfect stationary. He came out for a few visits, and then moved out to the Windy City.

They got engaged right after I moved to Seattle. In one of the shortest pre-wedding periods ever, they planned the most epic wedding in less than a month. After living here for 3 months I flew to Las Vegas along with nearly all of their family and friends. They got married in a tiny chapel and rented a double decker bus with a singing Elvis that drove down the strip at sunset.

They are hands down, the most attractive couple on the planet and I’m pretty sure little Winston is going to be a looker too.

It’s Mother’s day, did you call your mom?

My favorite memory of my mother is actually a really sad one. I was kind of a shit as a kid, but before I was a little asshat I was just a girl. We lived in this subdivision with a bunch of other families with kids and we all rode the bus to school together. That was how I met Mandy (and my mother met her mom, Donna). At one point we went to Florida for a vacation (the only vacation my family ever took) with their family. It worked well because she also had a little brother that was my little brother’s age, and our fathers also got along.

Around third grade, Allison and her family moved kitty-corner to me. At first, it was fun. There was another girl to play with. But soon, Donna and Mandy were choosing to hang out with Allison and her mother and not inviting me and mine. I remember my mother was sitting on the porch and I was probably drawing with chalk on the sidewalk. I looked up and saw Mandy’s family van drive up and park in Allison’s driveway. They got out and went inside. I went and sat on my mom’s lap and I think we both cried. It’s one thing when everyone else is hanging out without you, but it’s another when you see it.

My mother and I are both quiet, awkward people. Once you can get through that, you learn that we are incredibly smart, loyal, and even (at least I like to think) hilarious. That was the first time I believe I really connected with my mother. To this day, I hate feeling left out and I don’t know how to not get passive aggressive about it. I am always trying to connect my friends to each other, but then get incredibly jealous when they do stuff together without me.

It really sucks having my family so far away. I was never best friends with my mother and definitely spent my teenage years fighting with her. Now, my best friends from that time are getting married and having babies. Mandy already has 3 (twins!) and they are already halfway through elementary school. Even though I started over here less than 3 years ago, I feel like I am starting over, yet again.

I miss my mom, and I don’t really know how to tell her that but I sure as hell am not going to move to Wisconsin (<-not where I grew up). I have my mother’s wedding dress. Should I ever meet the man of my dreams, I fully intend to get it “updated” and invite select friends and family for a best day ever. Instead of blowing a wad of cash on a party because some wedding magazine tells me that’s how you do it, I want a day of activities where everyone is dressed like we’re going to a wedding but instead we’re going to go to a baseball game, take a boat ride, maybe go bowling, maybe go-cart racing, and hopefully have a beach bonfire at the end of the day.

My parents met, eloped and they are still married and it’s adorable. If they were able to find each other (here, in Washington after meeting at a Halloween party) then I have to believe there is someone out there for me, just waiting to have a best day ever.

And if you don’t know what to make of this
Then we will not relate.
(don’t worry, I’ll keep writing^)

Yours,

N.

It seems strange how we used to wait for letters to arrive

Hey-o Magellan,

How’s it going? I have just enjoyed week one of my (under) paid sabbatical. WHO NEEDS TO WORK? Turns out when your company goes out of business EVERYONE gets laid off. It’s not the kindest thought, but it’s comforting to know it wasn’t just me.

Also, LOL, did you see my post about appearing in a magazine? Who even knows what it says since it’s in Japanese, but I dig the photos. I’m gonna be famous one day.

So, I’ve officially broken in the Subaru. As in, dinged kissed the bumper of a car with my car’s bumper in a Trader Joe’s parking lot. (Don’t worry, it’s just some surface scratches). Moral of the story, I can’t have nice things. Also, 2017- turning out to be quite a challenge year. Not sure that’s what I was hoping for but what does not kill you MAKES YOU STRONGER, AMIRIGHT?

Here’s a new truth bomb. I’m contemplating leaving Seattle. I mean, I can’t find my dream job, I can’t find my dream man and it’s so fucking expensive. Don’t tell anyone, but as I’m searching for my next job I’m applying in places like Denver and Kansas City and DC area. (Fingers crossed for KC). I want to love it here. It’s beautiful. People are progressive. But man, why you be so hard life? I just want to spend my days doing stuff I love and my nights snuggled next to someone I love. (No offense, Bon Jovi. I love your giant orange cat snuggles and sighs… just can’t help but want the “touch of a man” <- I’ve read like, 12 romance novels since my sabbatical began).

Ooh, here’s one. I went on a date last weekend. Actually 2 dates! With a dude I kinda liked. Except he’s ghosted me, I believe. At this point I am texting him scenarios of why he’s a dooshbag for not just telling me he’s not that into me. The best yet is “while on a random whale watching excursion to Alaska you were so mesmerized by a pod of orcas you slipped on the deck and cast your phone into the ocean.” #whyamisingle.

It’s mother’s day next weekend so call your mom!

I guess that’s it for now.

But what’s stranger still,
Is how something so small can keep you alive.

Yours,

N.