I’m a long way from the land that I left

Hey buddy,

How’s it going this week. Again I missed Sunday- but I have two good reasons, I swear.

1.) It’s summer now which means every weekend is jam packed with things to do and people to see. Yesterday I got surprisingly lit at a Mariners game- apparently 3 glasses of wine in the sun is too many to manage to write the stuff at the end of the day.

2.) The downstairs neighbor’s cat apparently broke the modem. We have no internet for the next few days. First world problems!

So despite all this activity paired with a sorta new job I’m working (I really have no idea what is going on with it, but I keep showing up and they keep paying me) I feel a sense of overwhelming sadness. 😦

I just don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Last night I couldn’t sleep for the life of me, so I just laid there and stared at shadows on the ceiling.

I just. Don’t know. What. To. Do.

I’ve been running through life and cruising toward death

Ug, I don’t know Magellan. It was so nice and for that tiny sliver of time I thought things might work out for me. And it’s not like I want crazy things- just a relationship that means something and turns into something real. A job that gives me just a little bit of purpose while paying my rent. Not crazy things. I don’t know when I fucked up that I just can’t make these things happen.

Oh, get this. I had another male friend (who is married) basically drop the truth bomb that he had explored having an open relationship with his wife because he had feelings for me. Why do married men get feelings for me when I have zero interest in going there? Like, what the hell man. Sometimes I feel like the relationship ender. (Although in the end they don’t pick me).

I’m a long way from the one that I loved
I’ve been tending old flames, lamenting what was

I’m way more bummed about this last dude I tried to date than I thought I would be.

It’s so dumb. I don’t know what he wanted from me. I gave him time. He knew I was considering leaving, but that dummy. At the end of the day I’m going to choose love over everything else. If only he could have just gave me a little time.

Time. That’s probably what we all are trying to buy more of, huh?

Find me way out there
there’s no road that will lead us back
When you follow the strange trails
they will take you who knows where
If I found a way to stay with you tonight
it would only make me late, for a date I can’t escape

Magellan- maybe if we met at a different time. And we were different people. And we wanted the same things. If circumstances could be different.

Yours,

N.

What it means to be more

Magellan,

Howdy, partner. How are you? I had another nice PNW weekend. It is my friend Andy from high school’s birthday this week, but since he is headed to Chicago we celebrated Saturday with a hike out in the Cascades. Then, we went to an Everette Aquasox baseball game. All in all, not the worst day.

Unfortunately, my foot is really hurting. I don’t think I did anything specifically to hurt it, but there is something wrong with the bottom of my arch. Not good, my friend. Not good. I was finally getting back to pre KC pace. On my last few runs I’ve hauled and (with the exception of my foot on the last run) it’s felt really good. Dang it.

You can’t win them all now can you?

I’ve started doing some work for this app start-up. It’s interesting and at least they are paying me a little but I’d be a lot more comfortable with regular income, ya know.

Still not sure whether I want to stay or go. I like this boy, but then sometimes I find myself looking at him and wondering if this is what I really want. I feel like maybe he is a pretty selfish person (and I think we all are at this point) but I’m just not sure. We’ve been having a few communication issues, and I can only identify this because it is EXACTLY what I would do, but it’s as if he’s trying to give me an out.

Like, the other night we went out and I met some of his friends. Then he decided it was time to go home and I was like, ok, sure. So we went to his house. He seeemed like he was in a bad mood. He went to the bathroom and I was just standing there, part thinking about all the shoes he had lined up by his door and part wanting to run and when he came out he got mad at me for just standing there.

I’m a weird girl, but jebus. He was like “I’m just going to take you home.” And I was like, “Wait, what?” And he was mad at me because I was just standing there.

It’s so hard sometimes. We just expect that people are going to let us down, so we try to give them an easy out.

Do I want an easy out?

Show me
What a difference you make
What a word that you say now could mean when it’s over, and it comes time for change

Maybe? Should I have taken it? I mean, we ended up talking it out but seriously. I don’t do things I don’t want to do.

Cause I’m gonna miss you
I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone
I’m gonna miss you
I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone, ah

Also, am I really that difficult/infuriating?

I missed connecting with my father yesterday (stupid time zone math) but we had a nice talk today. We discussed my ideas about Kansas City. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take long for him and  my  mother to relocate down somewhere between there and St. Louis (where my little bro is) should I move there.

I just don’t know, Mag.

I miss my family a lot. I miss my friends. I really hate this waiting shit. I really, really do. My father seems to understand (and dare I say support) my inclination to move to KC.

I have to go in a minute and work for that startup. I got my hopes up a lot last week with all my interviews. A recruiter from Zillow reached out but I haven’t heard from her since. Everybody all over just always getting my hopes up it seems. It would be easier to stay than leave. But maybe I still want to leave?

Show me
What a life this could be
What a promise you make now could mean when the day comes, that everything you see
Is without me

I. Don’t. Know.

Talk to you in a week. I’m sure it’ll be a completely different story.

Yours,

N.

This is your last chance to find a go-go dance to disco now

Magellan,

Hi there. Sorry that I keep missing Sundays. Have been having adventures.

I done fucked up. Perhaps you’ve caught a few posts from my other blog, but I pushed it too far. I wrote a post involving a friend and he got really hurt by it. Fack.

I should have known better. I said some things I still stand by, but I also know I shouldn’t have said others.

So lets talk about privilege and entitlement. *yay!

I’m guessing both you and I have lived fairly easy lives. We were born in America, to white parents who did their best to feed, shelter, and educate us. We’ve struggled, sure. There was a recession that made jobs hard to find at the time when we were supposed to be finding them. But we survived. Because of our whiteness we were easily hired at restaurants and bars and were able to make enough income to live better than a giant percentage of people across the world, even if we felt at the low rungs of the American income brackets.

We’ve been able to be unemployed and not homeless. We’ve been able to travel. We have a place we could turn to if everything turned to shit tomorrow. We are lucky sonofabitches.

We (ok, at least me) think that we deserve to be happy. I spend so much time trying to define what that would be and trying to figure out how to get it. It’s my god damned given right as person.

And we (or maybe me) have this ideal, of what our life will look like when we find that happy.

But here is the thing- I don’t think it has to look like what we thought it was.

Here is a secret. I have all but declared my intention to leave. I have gone so far as to give my roommate a date with a 90% chance that I will follow through. I have not however, told most my friends, my parents, or more importantly the boy I am seeing.

Ah crap, you knew it was coming right? Why does this happen. I booked that flight to Kansas and the next mother fucking day met a human in real life. And I don’t know if I felt anything at first, but I liked this human enough to hang out for 5 STRAIGHT DAYS and then invite him to every social function of my life and if this isn’t falling for someone then I don’t know what is.

This is, my goddamed romance novel, right? At least the movie version. YOU ACTUALLY FIND A GOSH DARN PERSON, IN REAL LIFE THE MOMENT YOU CALL IT QUITS. You decide to leave then someone makes you want to stay. Fuckkkkkk.

And he doesn’t look like what I thought I was looking for. He’s kind of granola-y or earthy or something and I am not nearly outdoorsy enough for him. He’s kind of a dork, and a bit of a nerd and maybe just weird enough for me. (Also, he’s a vegetarian that hates a lot of the vegetables I like so what the fuck are we going to do with that?).

Now I’m to the point where I’m like, Oh fuck. I’ve been the pure, unfiltered version of myself because I thought I was leaving and maybe wasn’t into it in the very beginning but now he has all the scary details and when it boils down to it, there is no way he would pick me.

Gah! What about my happiness that I’m entitled to on all fronts? I want to rule the business world AND have the man of my dreams WHILE I can afford to buy property IN ADDITION TO being near family.

 
You left the station now to the floor
With speculation, what was it for
In that old hallway
Moses, why don’t you say
You’ve been away for a long time
 

So Magellan. What’s a girl to do? If I were to flip that quarter in the air, what side would I hope it lands on? I just don’t know.

On the plus, I’m becoming a pro at interviews! Had one last week for an established tech company. Had one today for a start-up and have one tomorrow for a potential writing gig with some consulting company.

Believe me Natalie…

I can’t even tell you where my head will be at in a week. Camping was great. I felt so alone, then all of a sudden I found this new group of no drama friends who make me laugh from deep in the gut. That’s the best kind.

God, help me somehow
There’s no time for survival left
The time is now
‘Cause this might be your last chance to disco, oh-oh, oh-oh

Yours,
N.

 

Ps- sorry if the end of this post appears wonky. Trying to fix the code right now.

Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

Magellan!

Greetings from Kansas City. Holy hell, I love it here. Perhaps I am a Midwest heart after all. I’m telling you. Once you are done traveling the world and need to take a break we should all meet out here. I’m going to buy a little house where I can grow old.

And when you’re out there, without care

I’m heading back to Seattle tomorrow. I think I’m going to give it until the end of my lease (January) to see if anything changes. I do have a summer chock full of activities to look forward to, as well as an interview on Wednesday for a job at a company that I am very excited about.

And I might have tricked another boy to pick me up at the airport…

LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE BUSY MAKING PLANS, AMIRIGHT? Ah, crap. 2 weeks ago I was fully set to make moving out here by the end of July a thing. (Angry Sim *shakes fist at universe).

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

So yeah, Kansas huh? Yes, the PNW has mountains and water and always appears as a Pinteresty-worthy postcard. But- hawt damn if I don’t want to own a house. With my ability to keep jobby jobs… A home is never one thing I would be able to afford out there, especially on my own.

And I miss my family… At least in KC they wouldn’t be as far away. My little bro would be a mere 4 hour ride to STL and the Subaru would love to make that little trip.

Regardless, now is the time to draft a PNW Bucket List:
Hot Springs
Orcas Island
I NEED TO SEE A WHALE GOSH DARNIT
Sleep on a boat
Stay at a cabin
Seahawks game
Go to Alaska
Group vacation at an island
Yellowstone
Glacier Park

And the list goes on.

Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you
Who do you think you are?

So what can one do? We go up, we get down. I’m pretty sure my life is stuck on one of those personal trampolines and I just keep hopping and hopping and hopping. How does one turn apply of this potential energy to something tangible? The universe keeps sending these little pokes taunting “Oh hey, you want this? Maaaaaaaybe you can have it” and then you go after it and perhaps you get it or perhaps it’s three more steps back.

Who knows. In a week I could have a boyfriend and a job and be whistling a different tune. Or, in two weeks I could say fuck it and move out here after all.

Maybe I’m crazy
Maybe you’re crazy
Maybe we’re crazy
Probably

Uh, uh

Yours,
N.