This is your last chance to find a go-go dance to disco now

Magellan,

Hi there. Sorry that I keep missing Sundays. Have been having adventures.

I done fucked up. Perhaps you’ve caught a few posts from my other blog, but I pushed it too far. I wrote a post involving a friend and he got really hurt by it. Fack.

I should have known better. I said some things I still stand by, but I also know I shouldn’t have said others.

So lets talk about privilege and entitlement. *yay!

I’m guessing both you and I have lived fairly easy lives. We were born in America, to white parents who did their best to feed, shelter, and educate us. We’ve struggled, sure. There was a recession that made jobs hard to find at the time when we were supposed to be finding them. But we survived. Because of our whiteness we were easily hired at restaurants and bars and were able to make enough income to live better than a giant percentage of people across the world, even if we felt at the low rungs of the American income brackets.

We’ve been able to be unemployed and not homeless. We’ve been able to travel. We have a place we could turn to if everything turned to shit tomorrow. We are lucky sonofabitches.

We (ok, at least me) think that we deserve to be happy. I spend so much time trying to define what that would be and trying to figure out how to get it. It’s my god damned given right as person.

And we (or maybe me) have this ideal, of what our life will look like when we find that happy.

But here is the thing- I don’t think it has to look like what we thought it was.

Here is a secret. I have all but declared my intention to leave. I have gone so far as to give my roommate a date with a 90% chance that I will follow through. I have not however, told most my friends, my parents, or more importantly the boy I am seeing.

Ah crap, you knew it was coming right? Why does this happen. I booked that flight to Kansas and the next mother fucking day met a human in real life. And I don’t know if I felt anything at first, but I liked this human enough to hang out for 5 STRAIGHT DAYS and then invite him to every social function of my life and if this isn’t falling for someone then I don’t know what is.

This is, my goddamed romance novel, right? At least the movie version. YOU ACTUALLY FIND A GOSH DARN PERSON, IN REAL LIFE THE MOMENT YOU CALL IT QUITS. You decide to leave then someone makes you want to stay. Fuckkkkkk.

And he doesn’t look like what I thought I was looking for. He’s kind of granola-y or earthy or something and I am not nearly outdoorsy enough for him. He’s kind of a dork, and a bit of a nerd and maybe just weird enough for me. (Also, he’s a vegetarian that hates a lot of the vegetables I like so what the fuck are we going to do with that?).

Now I’m to the point where I’m like, Oh fuck. I’ve been the pure, unfiltered version of myself because I thought I was leaving and maybe wasn’t into it in the very beginning but now he has all the scary details and when it boils down to it, there is no way he would pick me.

Gah! What about my happiness that I’m entitled to on all fronts? I want to rule the business world AND have the man of my dreams WHILE I can afford to buy property IN ADDITION TO being near family.

 
You left the station now to the floor
With speculation, what was it for
In that old hallway
Moses, why don’t you say
You’ve been away for a long time
 

So Magellan. What’s a girl to do? If I were to flip that quarter in the air, what side would I hope it lands on? I just don’t know.

On the plus, I’m becoming a pro at interviews! Had one last week for an established tech company. Had one today for a start-up and have one tomorrow for a potential writing gig with some consulting company.

Believe me Natalie…

I can’t even tell you where my head will be at in a week. Camping was great. I felt so alone, then all of a sudden I found this new group of no drama friends who make me laugh from deep in the gut. That’s the best kind.

God, help me somehow
There’s no time for survival left
The time is now
‘Cause this might be your last chance to disco, oh-oh, oh-oh

Yours,
N.

 

Ps- sorry if the end of this post appears wonky. Trying to fix the code right now.

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