What it means to be more

Magellan,

Howdy, partner. How are you? I had another nice PNW weekend. It is my friend Andy from high school’s birthday this week, but since he is headed to Chicago we celebrated Saturday with a hike out in the Cascades. Then, we went to an Everette Aquasox baseball game. All in all, not the worst day.

Unfortunately, my foot is really hurting. I don’t think I did anything specifically to hurt it, but there is something wrong with the bottom of my arch. Not good, my friend. Not good. I was finally getting back to pre KC pace. On my last few runs I’ve hauled and (with the exception of my foot on the last run) it’s felt really good. Dang it.

You can’t win them all now can you?

I’ve started doing some work for this app start-up. It’s interesting and at least they are paying me a little but I’d be a lot more comfortable with regular income, ya know.

Still not sure whether I want to stay or go. I like this boy, but then sometimes I find myself looking at him and wondering if this is what I really want. I feel like maybe he is a pretty selfish person (and I think we all are at this point) but I’m just not sure. We’ve been having a few communication issues, and I can only identify this because it is EXACTLY what I would do, but it’s as if he’s trying to give me an out.

Like, the other night we went out and I met some of his friends. Then he decided it was time to go home and I was like, ok, sure. So we went to his house. He seeemed like he was in a bad mood. He went to the bathroom and I was just standing there, part thinking about all the shoes he had lined up by his door and part wanting to run and when he came out he got mad at me for just standing there.

I’m a weird girl, but jebus. He was like “I’m just going to take you home.” And I was like, “Wait, what?” And he was mad at me because I was just standing there.

It’s so hard sometimes. We just expect that people are going to let us down, so we try to give them an easy out.

Do I want an easy out?

Show me
What a difference you make
What a word that you say now could mean when it’s over, and it comes time for change

Maybe? Should I have taken it? I mean, we ended up talking it out but seriously. I don’t do things I don’t want to do.

Cause I’m gonna miss you
I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone
I’m gonna miss you
I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone, ah

Also, am I really that difficult/infuriating?

I missed connecting with my father yesterday (stupid time zone math) but we had a nice talk today. We discussed my ideas about Kansas City. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take long for him and  my  mother to relocate down somewhere between there and St. Louis (where my little bro is) should I move there.

I just don’t know, Mag.

I miss my family a lot. I miss my friends. I really hate this waiting shit. I really, really do. My father seems to understand (and dare I say support) my inclination to move to KC.

I have to go in a minute and work for that startup. I got my hopes up a lot last week with all my interviews. A recruiter from Zillow reached out but I haven’t heard from her since. Everybody all over just always getting my hopes up it seems. It would be easier to stay than leave. But maybe I still want to leave?

Show me
What a life this could be
What a promise you make now could mean when the day comes, that everything you see
Is without me

I. Don’t. Know.

Talk to you in a week. I’m sure it’ll be a completely different story.

Yours,

N.

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