I’m a long way from the land that I left

Hey buddy,

How’s it going this week. Again I missed Sunday- but I have two good reasons, I swear.

1.) It’s summer now which means every weekend is jam packed with things to do and people to see. Yesterday I got surprisingly lit at a Mariners game- apparently 3 glasses of wine in the sun is too many to manage to write the stuff at the end of the day.

2.) The downstairs neighbor’s cat apparently broke the modem. We have no internet for the next few days. First world problems!

So despite all this activity paired with a sorta new job I’m working (I really have no idea what is going on with it, but I keep showing up and they keep paying me) I feel a sense of overwhelming sadness. 😦

I just don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Last night I couldn’t sleep for the life of me, so I just laid there and stared at shadows on the ceiling.

I just. Don’t know. What. To. Do.

I’ve been running through life and cruising toward death

Ug, I don’t know Magellan. It was so nice and for that tiny sliver of time I thought things might work out for me. And it’s not like I want crazy things- just a relationship that means something and turns into something real. A job that gives me just a little bit of purpose while paying my rent. Not crazy things. I don’t know when I fucked up that I just can’t make these things happen.

Oh, get this. I had another male friend (who is married) basically drop the truth bomb that he had explored having an open relationship with his wife because he had feelings for me. Why do married men get feelings for me when I have zero interest in going there? Like, what the hell man. Sometimes I feel like the relationship ender. (Although in the end they don’t pick me).

I’m a long way from the one that I loved
I’ve been tending old flames, lamenting what was

I’m way more bummed about this last dude I tried to date than I thought I would be.

It’s so dumb. I don’t know what he wanted from me. I gave him time. He knew I was considering leaving, but that dummy. At the end of the day I’m going to choose love over everything else. If only he could have just gave me a little time.

Time. That’s probably what we all are trying to buy more of, huh?

Find me way out there
there’s no road that will lead us back
When you follow the strange trails
they will take you who knows where
If I found a way to stay with you tonight
it would only make me late, for a date I can’t escape

Magellan- maybe if we met at a different time. And we were different people. And we wanted the same things. If circumstances could be different.

Yours,

N.

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