Many nights dwindle by

Magellan,

You jerk you’ve been in town and you haven’t tried to hang out!

Whateves.

Sure, sure. Whatever you say.

I’m fine, thanks for asking.

Midnight moon’s on the rise
My heavy head’s going light
So I’ll go home and sleep tonight

I have free time (ahem, including during days) until 8/7 so maybe you should reach out. Just saying.

With that out of the way, I have decided to surrender to the universe, officially. Yep. Not gonna bitch about wanting the ideal career or perfect partner. No whining about feeling a lack of direction. Zero complaints about never-ending waiting. At least for this week.

Ask me again in another.

Last night my good friend Anh showed up and cooked me a steak and you really can’t top a friend who just wants to hang out and feed you delicious red meat. Strangely, the moment I declared my intent to leave I was given 100 reasons to stay.

I’m walking tonight
About as far as I can go
I listen to the last song
By the windows

Sometimes, you just need to mix up the playlist. Or, in my case, dig out that mystery box from the back of your closet and find the *WAYYYYY* better box of CDs that survived your cross-continental move.

I have been jamming out to the Walkmen and it is the best for just about everything. I think that the National is real good September-March. Your favorite band (one of my tops) Lord Huron is the ideal soundtrack January-May. The Walkmen are perfect for June-September.

That’s all you need. Weather-based playlists.

And nearly every song by the Walkmen was written to be played in your car while you drive around on summer afternoons. They sound like the infinite possibilities at the beginning of summer break. Lazy Sunday afternoons (eating meat sandwiches) spent with a lover whom you just spent the morning tossing around the sheets. Walks around neighborhoods with gianormous waffle cones dripping down your fingers at sunset.

The Walkmen are that good.

Here’s to you and the stars above
The half moon and your pretty eyes
And here’s to you and the setting sun
The bar men and their sorry songs

And friends to show up at your door when you need them too. That’s what The Walkmen sound like.

It’s strange. I’ve definitely teetered between staying and going and now that it looks like I’m staying I am rightly at peace with that decision.

Everything in time. One perk of running is the sensation that time is suspended. I finally have time to enjoy my mini-retirement. Life is simple and excellent.

I have a confession, but I won’t bore you. I’ll hold it in the little hole in my heart where it waits to see what happens. As a human who is always at the mercy of unsolicited advice, I’m just going to keep doing what I love and trust that by doing that I will find the keys that bring me happiness.

This time though as Pete Krebs suggests: “Sometimes you have to wait, so patiently.” So that is what I’ll do.

I’ll be drunk before too long
And I’ll keep up in case I can talk
This really don’t say it all
There’s too much to enclose
These postcards from tiny islands
Mean more than you know

Even if you stay I’ll keep writing. I need these maybe more than you.

So here’s to you and the ground below
The grass bar and the empty sky

Yours,

N.

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I see a mountain at my gates, I see it more and more each day

Magellan,

Mountains been out a lot lately. What do you suppose that means? I like to think it means it’s going to be a good day. But, I also told myself the day I got laid off from the previous job.

Speaking of jobs, looks like I got one. I am once again tethered to this place. I think that is okay, at least for now.

I see a mountain in my way
It’s looming larger by the day

Adam and Alex came to visit from DC, which was nice. I tried to show them all my favorite Seattle places. Managed to take Adam to all the places he wanted to go. AND, I arranged for my other friends to take us all on a sunset boat ride and it was the best.

Art show went off without a hitch! Polaroids looked great all grouped together. I was pleasantly surprised with how many of my friends managed to stop by. A dude I was talking to on Tinder stopped by as well. (Yas, I grabbed a polaroid of his face). Oh, even my old (first Seattle) boss and his son made it to my show.

I feel like I’m cheating with my portrait collection, like it’s not really art. But I still love it.

Oh, gimme some time
Show me the foothold from which I can climb
Yeah, when I feel low
You show me a signpost for where I should go

I just don’t know, Magellan. Now my house is empty as my friends have left. With the show over, I’m not sure what project to work on next. I’m relieved to have some time before I have to start working, but worried I’ll waste it.

It was nice to have the sense of purpose I felt while preparing for the show. I had the bonus of walking around the neighborhood and talking with people about the show and taking their photos. I got to both meet and photograph people, many I see often. I also got to build the frames to display the photos. There is something about that part of the creation process that is just as rewarding as whatever you are making. Giving your work the right kind of home is important.

I see a mountain at my gates
I see it more and more each day
And my desire wears a dark dress
But each day, I see you less

It would be nice to live with more certainty, but then that wouldn’t be my life now would it?

(But man are there some fun but confusing monkey wrench moments in there).

As for now- I guess I do this job, I learn some things and grow and that kind of shit. I keep trying to do the things I love, like capturing tangible moments on film, and maybe in doing these things I love I’ll find that allusive beast in a living, breathing heart-beating human and finally fucking wrangle it.

I’m tired of going it alone.

Yeah, gimme my way
Gimme my love
Gimme my choice…

Magellan, I just don’t know. Ask me again in a week.

Yours,

N.

Went to the porch to have a thought

Magellan,

Sorry, sorry. Missed Sunday, as per usual this summer. Missed Monday. Missed Tuesday. (Jebus, I know, right). Happy Wednesday, though where you are it’s probably nearly Thursday already.

So, what’s new?

Ice age, heat wave, can’t complain
If the world’s at large, why should I remain?

Well, ok. I’ll go. I guess I accidentally got a job. (Yay?). So perhaps I’ll stay a little longer. I’m feeling a little ambivalent about it. Found myself a marketing manager position. I have to drive to Redmond (gross). Ironically, it is for an organization based on providing commuters transportation options.

I really don’t know if this job will make me happy. It’ll probably be cool for the first 3 months and then I’ll hate my life again. I’d like to have another creative job of my dreams but I like paying my rent and bills more… (and you know, money to travel and there is the matter of my taxes which apparently I never paid thank you not TurboTax).

So. Meh.

You don’t know where and you don’t know when
But you still got your words and you got your friends
Walk along to another day
Work a little harder work another way

On a happy note- I’M SHOWING MY POLAROIDS AND IT IS THE BEST THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. Holy Toledo, I didn’t realize how many people I have met in Seattle. It’s pretty neat to think I’ve only been here for less than three years. So many faces.

All to think. I met one friend on OK Cupid and now he is not only the reason I even considered the move to Seattle, but one of my best friends. And my other friend who I should have met on OK Cupid but didn’t meet until a year later when I walked into a brewery in the middle of the afternoon and then he decided (well, clearly had already set the wheels in motion) to travel the world so I started a pen pal project. And now that brewery is letting me have an art show.

Shit. I’d sign up for OK Cupid again (third times the charm anyone) but jebus, that app stresses me out.

Maybe one day I’ll find the right person to be excited about.

I like songs about drifters, books about the same
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane
Walked on off to another spot
I still haven’t gotten anywhere that I want
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I’m caught in an undertow?

I decided I needed to mix up my chi and rearranged my room. (Very interesting, I know). It’s worked so far. If I’m only looking for one small miracle a day- job yesterday, who knows what today will bring.

On a sad note- Grandma Ruby had a heart attack. Today she is undergoing bypass surgery. Looks like I’ll be taking an unplanned trip to the Midwest soon. I’d have left already but I have the art show and guests coming to town this weekend.

WHY IS IT THAT LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YER BUSY MAKING PLANS??

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights
Adding their breeze to the summer nights
Outside water like air was gray
I didn’t know what I had that day
Walk a little farther to another plan
You said that you did, but you didn’t understand

So, what about my dreams to move to Kansas City you ask?

Maybe in a year or so. I want to open a bar with my friend Katie. Need to find/make some start up money first. Hopefully I can keep this job longer than four months. The idea of starting over again so soon really stressed me out.

I know that starting over’s not what life’s about
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn’t hear my mouth

I have no idea what is going on with my life. I surrender, universe. Ask me again in a week.

Yours,

N.

Did you ever want it? Did you want it bad?

Magellan!

Happy 4th of July! It’s my favorite holiday.

How is the world out there? Still in Seattle. Did a hike this weekend. Still recovering. Funny, you can run 8 miles a day just fine, but go climb a mountain and back for only 7 and hurt for days.

It tears me apart
Did you ever fight it?

I’m sure you can relate, but life feels surreal these days. The more I think about it, I can’t even remember when it felt like it was really mine. Serious case of going through the motions.

Yesterday I laid out all the polaroids I’ve taken in Seattle. It’s interesting to see who appears, again and again. Would you believe it if I told you (based on my portrait math) that my best friend here is the person I met on OK Cupid when I was broken from the marathon back in Chicago? I forget how much pain I was in for that week after the race…

All of the pain, so much power
Running through my veins

I guess that’s all life is though, right? It’s a marathon, not a sprint. I keep wanting to cut corners and whatnot. In the end, it has to be for the long haul.

I tried to hang out with that person again. He said he missed me. And yea, I missed him. But, the more I entertained a long term relationship with him the more infuriating I found him. Sometimes people are just too intrinsically different to be together.

I invited him on my friend’s boat, and then we went on that hike. Both were lovely days, spent with friends. However, the whole time I felt like he wanted to be somewhere else. Even though the original hike was a different one and we went on the one he wanted to, he still acted like he was missing out on whatever his friends were doing.

I don’t know

You can’t force it.

And I know
In my heart, in this cold heart

Fun fact, I’m gonna do a polaroid show at the Flying Bike. Was trying to collab with Kyle, but I was unable to really get things started. Not that I didn’t think about it every single day, I did. Just. Well, you know.

Did you ever notice
I’ve been ashamed
All my life
I’ve been playing games

How can I just let go and stop caring so much? I’ve stared at tables with photos of my friends lain in front of me. I’ve moved across the continent alone, and survived. I’m pretty fucking impressive, if I say so myself. But how do I plug that nagging little hole?

I’m really worried I’m about to get this job in Redmond. I think it’ll be super good for me. I’ll get to design a marketing program from scratch and implement everything I’ve ever learned. Professionally, it would be an incredible opportunity to really grow and try to use each random experience.

Except I’ll have to commute to Redmond. And be tethered to Seattle for another year and a half.

Decisions!

On one hand, Kansas City is still tempting me. I know it’s not going anywhere, but how long do I stay here and put in the good fight?

On the other (as I stare at 100 polaroids) I have found some of my people here.

I went on a Tinder date with perhaps, the most compatible person yet (minus the fact that he is a smoker). Of my list written in Sharpie and electrical taped to my closet door, he matched up to all my qualifications:

  • Likes hockey (he did!)
  • Makes me laugh a lot (that too!)
  • Kind (probably?)
  • Likes foods (he’s a chef)
  • Be read aroundble (loves books!)
  • Knows what he wants. Me (ok, in time)
  • Similar family values

I made that list the day I met you, actually. At Chucks on 85th. My traveling friend Kaitlin was in town and we made some lists for our lives.

Anywhoo, the whole time (or 3 days) I was back hanging with that one person, I couldn’t help but think that my Tinder date was simply a better match. Also, tattoos are hot. Also also, I made him meet me at Ken’s Market so if we liked each other we could tell people we met at the grocery store.

Ha!

Here’s the challenge, Magellan. For one week (or at least until next Sunday¬†Monday when I write my letter to you I’m just going to go with it. Who knows what will happen in a week…

Maybe this time I can be strong
But since I know who I am
I’m probably wrong
Maybe this time I can go far
But thinking about where I’ve been
Ain’t helping me start

I can try. Hope you’re having the time of your life.

Yours,

N.