Did you ever want it? Did you want it bad?


Happy 4th of July! It’s my favorite holiday.

How is the world out there? Still in Seattle. Did a hike this weekend. Still recovering. Funny, you can run 8 miles a day just fine, but go climb a mountain and back for only 7 and hurt for days.

It tears me apart
Did you ever fight it?

I’m sure you can relate, but life feels surreal these days. The more I think about it, I can’t even remember when it felt like it was really mine. Serious case of going through the motions.

Yesterday I laid out all the polaroids I’ve taken in Seattle. It’s interesting to see who appears, again and again. Would you believe it if I told you (based on my portrait math) that my best friend here is the person I met on OK Cupid when I was broken from the marathon back in Chicago? I forget how much pain I was in for that week after the race…

All of the pain, so much power
Running through my veins

I guess that’s all life is though, right? It’s a marathon, not a sprint. I keep wanting to cut corners and whatnot. In the end, it has to be for the long haul.

I tried to hang out with that person again. He said he missed me. And yea, I missed him. But, the more I entertained a long term relationship with him the more infuriating I found him. Sometimes people are just too intrinsically different to be together.

I invited him on my friend’s boat, and then we went on that hike. Both were lovely days, spent with friends. However, the whole time I felt like he wanted to be somewhere else. Even though the original hike was a different one and we went on the one he wanted to, he still acted like he was missing out on whatever his friends were doing.

I don’t know

You can’t force it.

And I know
In my heart, in this cold heart

Fun fact, I’m gonna do a polaroid show at the Flying Bike. Was trying to collab with Kyle, but I was unable to really get things started. Not that I didn’t think about it every single day, I did. Just. Well, you know.

Did you ever notice
I’ve been ashamed
All my life
I’ve been playing games

How can I just let go and stop caring so much? I’ve stared at tables with photos of my friends lain in front of me. I’ve moved across the continent alone, and survived. I’m pretty fucking impressive, if I say so myself. But how do I plug that nagging little hole?

I’m really worried I’m about to get this job in Redmond. I think it’ll be super good for me. I’ll get to design a marketing program from scratch and implement everything I’ve ever learned. Professionally, it would be an incredible opportunity to really grow and try to use each random experience.

Except I’ll have to commute to Redmond. And be tethered to Seattle for another year and a half.


On one hand, Kansas City is still tempting me. I know it’s not going anywhere, but how long do I stay here and put in the good fight?

On the other (as I stare at 100 polaroids) I have found some of my people here.

I went on a Tinder date with perhaps, the most compatible person yet (minus the fact that he is a smoker). Of my list written in Sharpie and electrical taped to my closet door, he matched up to all my qualifications:

  • Likes hockey (he did!)
  • Makes me laugh a lot (that too!)
  • Kind (probably?)
  • Likes foods (he’s a chef)
  • Be read aroundble (loves books!)
  • Knows what he wants. Me (ok, in time)
  • Similar family values

I made that list the day I met you, actually. At Chucks on 85th. My traveling friend Kaitlin was in town and we made some lists for our lives.

Anywhoo, the whole time (or 3 days) I was back hanging with that one person, I couldn’t help but think that my Tinder date was simply a better match. Also, tattoos are hot. Also also, I made him meet me at Ken’s Market so if we liked each other we could tell people we met at the grocery store.


Here’s the challenge, Magellan. For one week (or at least until next Sunday Monday when I write my letter to you I’m just going to go with it. Who knows what will happen in a week…

Maybe this time I can be strong
But since I know who I am
I’m probably wrong
Maybe this time I can go far
But thinking about where I’ve been
Ain’t helping me start

I can try. Hope you’re having the time of your life.




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