If I had known the graceful song I should know

Magellan,

How’s it hanging.

Not gonna lie. Today was a rough Monday. Struggle bus city. Yesterday I crashed a BBQ and had a friend ply me with wine and meats. Not the worst, really.

I did get to see Hot Pete yesterday so at least there is that! That is a man that knows how to give a hug. He still has that same look in his eyes as he did the first time I saw him nearly 10 years ago in Chicago, and I still can’t tell what it means.

My run this morning left my body feeling completely disjointed. It was like I had to fixate on every repetitive motion. I had to tell my surly left leg to move, extend, propel and push. And then the right. Repeat.

But I don’t know the tune
Its a burden on my sorry soul
I don’t have a clue
Its a weight upon my empty skull

Does that ever happen to you? Often when I walk around town I find myself having to tell my individual limbs to work together to move me forward.

It was dark this morning. Summer is slipping away, she’s already rooting around in the closet for warm wool sweaters that scratch but keep you oh so warm. The dark appears much as I’d guess and echo escapes into a quiet night. Void of movement I scan the horizon with bleary eyes (because shit, I’m getting old and need glasses).

I caught, to my surprise, the first sunset of the year of which I observed at Golden Gardens. At the critical moment (and it was barely that long) when the sun dipped below the Olympic Mountains I blew through an entire cartridge of film. Of the 8 burned photos, it was worth it. I’d say the series isn’t that impressive but at least 4 snapshots captured perfect, simple moments. Children chucking sand. Lesbians taking in the Sound. The light flashing before it hid itself away.

If I had known the graceful song I should know
To slow down all the madness
I would have sung a whispered melody
to calm you and keep you close

I don’t know what I’m doing but perhaps I’ll figure it out yet.

I don’t know the tune
Its a burden on my sorry soul
I don’t have a clue
Its a weight upon my empty skull

But my brain remains optimistic and always, half full.

Yours,

N.

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I got too many people I got left to prove wrong

Magellan,

Greetings again from lovely Redmond. Let’s go ahead and call it and say that letters are now getting composed on Mondays… I have been having too much fun with my weekends.

So… I still have a job. That is good. Pay for the things to do the stuffs. Also, still highly likely to do four 10’s so maybe I’ll be able to keep this for a year.

My roommate has introduced me to one of my new favorite songs, def a departure from the throaty tenors and baritones of The National and Lord Huron.

And I’m so sick of crying, yeah
Darling, what’s it for?
I could fight forever, oh, but life’s too short

Speaking of roommate- she’s been gone for forever. She went on a bike ride across the great state of Iowa, followed by friends and camping in Colorado. She bopped home for a few days, then headed down to Oregon to catch the eclipse. I’m curious as to whether she will stay long enough to renew the lease. I’m pretty determined to keep the place regardless if she stays or leaves.

I hope she stays, she’s been a rock in my life.

Change is hard sometimes.

But also good.

Don’t let the bastards get you down, oh no
Don’t let the assholes wear you out
Don’t let the mean girls take the crown
Don’t let the scumbags screw you ’round
Don’t let the bastards take you down

Over the past weekend I had a friend who works for Dope magazine bestow free joints upon me and also a friend who works for a distributor donate 12 freaking bottle of wine to my stash as well as a stack of Eclipse glasses.

Totally won weekend.

Eclipse was meh IMO, but I’m sure it was extra groovy in totality. I was popular at my new office building since I had so many specs to share.

So we keep going. Runs have been good. I fucking love watching the sky change color in the morning. The initial getting out of bed can be a challenge (perhaps if I enjoy some of dat wine bounty) but the views are worth it.

Also, you know, gotta keep that booty fit.

I had a really nice (and nearly budget breaking) dinner with my friend Anh. We talked about dating and how maybe there actually isn’t enough room for someone in our lives like that right now. I mean, I like my life. I like my friends and I like my routines. I like waking up at 4:45 so I can POOP before I run.

Speaking of poop, OMG, I sure forgot about pooping in public work bathrooms (#secondpoop)…

But that’s life. I’m sure I’ll survive.

Here’s the thing. I’m preeeety sure I’m pretty great and if right now that’s a thing I do alone, then that’s gonna have to be okay.

Been underestimated
My entire life
I know people gonna talk shit
And darling, that’s fine
But they won’t break my spirit
I won’t let ’em win
I’ll just keep on living, keep on living, oh
The way I wanna live

Cannot wait to learn to skate. Hockey is gonna be so fun, I’m gonna be so bad but it’s probably one of those things that has always been missing.

Oh, speaking of terrible- went rock climbing at lunch last week 😀 I climbed all of 2.5 walls but I like the challenge and hope to improve just a tiny bit each week.

I may as well be quoting Bon Jovi at this point (Ooh, also I took my cat to Green Lake this weekend #whyamisingle #howcomeimsoawesome).

So Magellan, you owe me a beer. Afterall, I paid for the drinks on your birthday. Not keeping score, just hoping to have a drink with a friend.

Don’t let the bastards get you down, oh no
Don’t let the assholes wear you out
Don’t let the mean girls take the crown
Don’t let the scumbags screw you ’round
Don’t let the bastards take you down
Don’t let the bastards get you down, oh no
Don’t let the assholes wear you out
Don’t let the mean girls take the crown
Don’t let the scumbags screw you ’round
Don’t let the bastards take you down

Yours,

N.

I’m the last man runnin’

Magellan,

Greetings from beautiful Redmond.

How’s it going. I’ve been working for just over a week and let me tell you I like it not one bit.

Actually, it’s good to be back in society but ask me again in a week. Right now I am sitting alone in an office in case people want to come and pick up shirts from a “Tour de Redmond” event. Except I’ve been watching a lot of Sherlock and am pretty convinced I might get murdered being here on my own.

But such is life.

Guess what. I’ve decided to become the boyfriend I’ve always wanted. I’m gonna play hockey! First, I need to learn how to skate, but really. I’m pretty pumped.

Don’t know why I need you, I don’t need anyone
Don’t know why I need you, I don’t need anyone

So I’ve started running early in the morning which, now that the haze has cleared means one thing- glorious sunrises. Today was the first day I got to see a sunrise. Finally and it was incredible. Running in the morning makes me terribly happy. I find myself becoming a crab if I can’t get one in.

When I’m down on my luck, show me a good time
When I’m hot as a match, give me a punching bag
How we walk along the dock and watch the shadows fall
The crying gulls and I cry even more

I’m continuing my surrender to the universe. It beats wallowing or worrying.

Last Friday I was supposed to meet someone out but she ended up blowing me off. But, I had a really lovely time and made some new friends. Sometimes a person is just supposed to be alone.

And in the northern light
Our directions swing together
Oh, I was wrong – I was right
Our directions swing together

The commute has not yet been as bad as I was anticipating. Granted, I’m on the road by 7 am every morning. It takes a little longer on the way home. But, I think If I put in four 10 hour shifts I’ll be able to take Fridays off and that is just about the best damn thing I’ve ever heard.

I don’t know, Magellan. This is not where I thought I would be six months ago- heck even three. But, it’s what I got right now and it’s not the worst. Lonely, yes at times. Bored- once in a while but I can find a trail to run or a book to read. Relieved to have income once again (though I won’t believe it until that first paycheck hits).

Just got to make it 359 more days and I can justify planing my next retirement- and maybe the move to KC.

Or maybe I’ll stay. Who knows.

Yours,

N.

Heaven is a switchboard that you want to fight

Magellan,

I guess this is it. The end of this session of retirement, that is. In about half an hour I will leave to drive to my new jobby job.

I wish I felt less… indifferent. But, you have to work the job to pay for the car to drive to your job, right?

Anywhoo, I am actually a little excited. I think I’m gonna learn a ton and test myself a bunch. And hopefully start rock climbing on my lunch break.

Yesterday I met my friend Ashley at Outlander Brewery so we I could stare at our friend Hot Pete. (Seriously. Go take a gander at him. He’s that hot I bet you’d sleep with him given the opportunity).

While we were sitting there, one thing became apparent. Ashley has met a boy. Where else but tinder. The more she gushed on and on the more I realized another thing.

it was totally a dude who I went on 2 dates with before he ghosted me.

I am way more miffed about it all today than I was yesterday. It’s not that I liked him and envisioned our lives together with 2.5 kids and the picket fence. It’s that he didn’t have the decency to say “Hey, I’m not feeling it,” and also that for some reason I’m a person people don’t feel an obligation to treat like a human.

I’ve never lied about wanting to find a partner, and the trials and tribulations of trying to date in my 30s. I’ve even touched on the fact that it seems when given the option between me and someone or something else- people choose that other thing.

And I just don’t get it. I do my best to be thoughtful for the people I care about. I try to do special things for each important person in my life. For the most part, I try to keep the boring, less fun shit inside (or limited to whiney letters to a penpal who never writes back).

When will someone pick me?

I have a really good friend, perhaps I even have feelings for him that are confusing. But since meeting me (and all my friends) he has had a crush on nearly every single (single) lady friend I have.

But not me.

I try to be as real as I can, because there is nothing worse than spending 2 or 3 years pretending to be someone you are not and then “Surprise, just kidding.”

I don’t know.

I’ve been running on and off despite the air quality warnings. At this rate (since I’ll likely die all on my lonesome) I’d rather go happy and with a banging body than with depression and diabetes.


Sky is burning
But at least we’re warm
Go and run yourself a million miles
Hoping that the colors run out

I’m trying really hard, Magellan I am. Trying to be the best person I can. Trying to be happy. For her sake, I hope this dude works out, and doesn’t ghost her the way he did to me. I know she needs someone in her life that can care for her.

I’m trying to take advantage of my alone time. I’m painting and writing and dreaming. (and running). I’m always always always trying to grow and learn about this crazy world we live in. Attempting to be gracious and courteous and kind.

But god damn if I’m not lonely as hell.

You can never see yourself
Ringing all around it
No one is on lake Michigan
You labored on, lake Michigan

I wish it would go away, but it nags at me in the middle of the night and all the daylight waking hours. (The only time I feel any sense of reprieve is when I’m- you guessed it, running).

So it’s the first day of the rest of my life! Will be good to be back around humans.

Can’t help but look forward to the day that someone will pick me.

Talk to you again in a week.

Not another payoff
Get off of my stack
Leave a little window
Get off of my stack
You know it won’t do
Get off of my stack

Yours,N.