Heaven is a switchboard that you want to fight

Magellan,

I guess this is it. The end of this session of retirement, that is. In about half an hour I will leave to drive to my new jobby job.

I wish I felt less… indifferent. But, you have to work the job to pay for the car to drive to your job, right?

Anywhoo, I am actually a little excited. I think I’m gonna learn a ton and test myself a bunch. And hopefully start rock climbing on my lunch break.

Yesterday I met my friend Ashley at Outlander Brewery so we I could stare at our friend Hot Pete. (Seriously. Go take a gander at him. He’s that hot I bet you’d sleep with him given the opportunity).

While we were sitting there, one thing became apparent. Ashley has met a boy. Where else but tinder. The more she gushed on and on the more I realized another thing.

it was totally a dude who I went on 2 dates with before he ghosted me.

I am way more miffed about it all today than I was yesterday. It’s not that I liked him and envisioned our lives together with 2.5 kids and the picket fence. It’s that he didn’t have the decency to say “Hey, I’m not feeling it,” and also that for some reason I’m a person people don’t feel an obligation to treat like a human.

I’ve never lied about wanting to find a partner, and the trials and tribulations of trying to date in my 30s. I’ve even touched on the fact that it seems when given the option between me and someone or something else- people choose that other thing.

And I just don’t get it. I do my best to be thoughtful for the people I care about. I try to do special things for each important person in my life. For the most part, I try to keep the boring, less fun shit inside (or limited to whiney letters to a penpal who never writes back).

When will someone pick me?

I have a really good friend, perhaps I even have feelings for him that are confusing. But since meeting me (and all my friends) he has had a crush on nearly every single (single) lady friend I have.

But not me.

I try to be as real as I can, because there is nothing worse than spending 2 or 3 years pretending to be someone you are not and then “Surprise, just kidding.”

I don’t know.

I’ve been running on and off despite the air quality warnings. At this rate (since I’ll likely die all on my lonesome) I’d rather go happy and with a banging body than with depression and diabetes.


Sky is burning
But at least we’re warm
Go and run yourself a million miles
Hoping that the colors run out

I’m trying really hard, Magellan I am. Trying to be the best person I can. Trying to be happy. For her sake, I hope this dude works out, and doesn’t ghost her the way he did to me. I know she needs someone in her life that can care for her.

I’m trying to take advantage of my alone time. I’m painting and writing and dreaming. (and running). I’m always always always trying to grow and learn about this crazy world we live in. Attempting to be gracious and courteous and kind.

But god damn if I’m not lonely as hell.

You can never see yourself
Ringing all around it
No one is on lake Michigan
You labored on, lake Michigan

I wish it would go away, but it nags at me in the middle of the night and all the daylight waking hours. (The only time I feel any sense of reprieve is when I’m- you guessed it, running).

So it’s the first day of the rest of my life! Will be good to be back around humans.

Can’t help but look forward to the day that someone will pick me.

Talk to you again in a week.

Not another payoff
Get off of my stack
Leave a little window
Get off of my stack
You know it won’t do
Get off of my stack

Yours,N.

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