I’ve been draggin’ around from the end of your coat for two week

Magellan,

Oh man, I’ve done it again.

And like the others, I’ll likely ruin it too. But it’s so fucking fun to feel like maybe. Maybe this time it could be a one that lasts just a little bit longer.

I never told you who I brought with me to The National, but I think I made the right choice.

(Option three, and he was a pretty big fan so it worked well).

ah huh
Everywhere you go is swirlin’
Everything you say has water under it, ah huh

So, I am cautious to enter into territory with someone who doesn’t know what they want, but does anyone really know what they want?

I woke up on Saturday feeling absolutely murdered. On Friday I had martinis with Anh for dinner and then I walked him to his company Christmas party and well, basically he said I might as well join him so I did.

You know, I keep your fingerprints
In a pink folder in the middle of my table

Anh is my original penpal. Before we met he actually sent me postcards to my apartment in Chicago, which I keep in a shoebox today. It’s his fault I found Seattle, but I don’t blame him. He’s one of my best friends and my life would be a whole lot worse if it didn’t know him.

Anywhoo, we got our 3-sanctioned drinks on, ate some spring rolls and left to go to Hot Wine Bling, a fete hosted by one of our friends.

Tested my limits, fo sho.

I managed to miss the first uber because the pin did not drop where I stood, and on the ride home a very heated conversation in Spanish occurred between one of the poolers and the driver and that part of my brain was almost activated enough to understand it.

Somewhere around 5:10 Saturday morning I regained consciousness with the worst headache imaginable.

And I had that moment, wuss out, or try and rest if off then rally. So Rally I chose. I drank some water and prayed for the throbbing in my brain to subside.

It was Hector’s birthday, after all.

I brought along the man I invited to The National for the ride. He’s growing on me.

For one, the laughing. The man makes me chuckle and the man makes me giggle.

You’re the tall kingdom I surround
Think I’d better follow you around

A few of us were supposed to take out the boat but there was no wind so we sat on the deck and drank cheap champagne out of plastic cups.

Let me tell you, a few solos of a modestTrader Joe’s finest blanc de blanc is exactly what one needs to alleviate a hangover. Must be the effervescence. Must be.

The sky was doing one of its postcard paintings and the big one was visible in spite of the fog. We sat on the boat and didn’t go anywhere and it was a perfect afternoon.

I lounged there, surrounded by two of my male friends and beside a man whom I am trying to figure where he fits into my life. Inevitably,  friend zone, but such is life. But whatever the outcome it didn’t matter. Bubbles helped the hangover dissipate. There was sun in December.

The mountain was out and god dammit that meant it was going to be a good day.

You might need me more
Than you think you will

I had driven to the marina and as the least intoxicated of the bunch I had to deliver us closer to our destination. (I was mellow in my consumption in anticipation of driving, don’t worry. Bae’ru has a 2 drink limit).

I might look dumb but I ain’t stupid.I knew what was happening. Parking the car in a man’s driveway before more merryment is asking for one thing. A sleepover.

We went to Holy Mountain and celebrated our fake friend’s fake birthday for the third year in a row. And my new man friend was the one initiating the hand holding and god dammit, it was nice.

It’s so glorious- the early “here is half my body against your body, and oh, there is your hand on my knee.” We played some games, ate some pizza and it was the best group teenager date I’ve been on this year.

Come home in the car you love
Brainy, brainy, brainy

In a little coach house with speakers that play throughout, we listened to The National and finally had a proper make out. I think we’ve been avoiding it since August (minus that whole bathroom thing) through why I am not aware.

No one is ever ready.

I couldn’t sleep last night but when I woke I had a text on my phone.

I was up all night again
Boning up and reading the American Dictionary

I guess I go with it. He doesn’t know what he wants but he knows he wants to see me again and I have to let that be enough.

The teenager thrills are so tough when you are 32.

The body buzz is much better so perhaps that makes up for it.

You’ll never believe me, what I found
Think I’d better follow you around

Who knows, Magellan.

Ask me again in a week.

Yours,

N.

 

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The memory of all that. No, no, they can’t take that away from me.

Magellan,

How’s it hanging?

Yesterday I got a wisdom tooth out. Yeouch!

Ask me, do I feel any smarter? Jury is still out.

Other than the fact that running a marathon shocked my body into all sorts of *wonderful* new feels, things are going alright.

Let me just tell you about my molar extraction adventure.

Early last week, amidst the lingering aches and pains of the 26.2 miles I inflicted upon my unsuspecting body I began to experience a dull throbbing in my face. My upper left jaw boasted a tooth that was poking out of my gums and intruding into my mouth, effectively stabbing the sides of my cheek.

The way your smile just beams;
The way you sing off key;
The way you haunt my dreams.

By Saturday I could hardly open my mouth, and the swelling was visible on my usually fairly gaunt face.

So I googled “Seattle Dentist open on sunday” (with that exact capitalization). And found the one place that was open. So I called, made an appointment and got my tooth yanked.

559 dollars later at least I have the fun drugs?

It was a very no frills experience. The dentist office lacked the usual fluff of a standard dental practice. The hygienist, a gruff but gentle Russian man couldn’t quite grasp that I was a joker. The actual dentist was almost attractive and at least winked when I responded to his inquiry as to how I was doing with humor.

They shot my gums with Novocaine, and other than about a moments where there was pressure and some very unfortunate sounds as the vessels and bone dislodged from my skull, it was not nearly as bad as my bottom teeth removal.

The wonders of modern dentistry!

The way you hold your knife;
The way we danced ’til three;

I am thankful I have the resources to plunk down half a grand on a “whim.”

It’s funny. Life is really expensive, and there is this threshold that exists. There is a magic amount, for me that is around 100$. See, at any given time there are about eight to 10 things I need in my life that all cost around that much: Running shoes, a passport, a heavier than normal power bill, new pants, whatever. I can’t afford to buy all these things at the same time, so I space them out.

I buy one pair of shoes and use them until they are devoid of cushioning.

I perpetually put off a passport, for the power bill or an unexpected vet trip.

I get reminded of car costs.

I guess what I’m saying is gosh dammit. I was finally feeling caught up with expenses then poof! 500 dollars. But I am very thankful I could afford to pay a professional to end the serious pain that was in my face.

On a cheaper note, the pain pills prescribed for me were only 4.57 for 16 hydrocodones so no wonder there is an opioid problem in America.

If you are wondering if I am high on Vicodin right now you would be correct.  Makes Mondays a whole lot better.

At the same time, thankful to have a job to give me a case of the Mondays.

Ooh, went and watched some hockey last Thursday and though my Blackhawks lost it was a really fun time and I wasn’t gonna go but was glad I did.

Sometimes, we gotta do the stuff we tell ourselves we gotta do.

We may never, never meet again
On on the bumpy road to love.
Still I’ll always, always keep the memory of

I got a month to get a passport, learn the drums and write a novel. Not sure I’m gonna make it but hopefully the Marathon can give me a pass for at least one of those.

Yours,

N.

Hey you think too much

Magellan,

So I’m a dumb-dumb and woke up Saturday and decided to run a marathon Sunday. With that said, I’m broken. I don’t know how you do all those ultras.

The main question I’m getting right now is “Why?”

I don’t know. I just felt like I needed to see if I could do it.

It was fucking miserable.

It started in the pouring rain, but it was about 50 degrees. So, I shed my coat and ran. Then it got sunny. It was actually quite pleasant while I was running around Seward park and Lake Washington.

Then the rain and the hills started.

At one point I realized I didn’t really need to do anything other than finish.

So I walked.

I mean, I didn’t exactly train for this. I might run every day-ish, but I def didn’t do any long runs over 18 miles in the past well, three years.

Marathons are like tattoos. You need to forget how much they hurt before you do another one.

So I walked. I played this game where I would start running and count to 100, or wait for a good song to end. At some point Pandora started fucking up a lot so I picked from the 4 albums downloaded to my phone.

Let’s just say that Lord Huron got me through about 14 miles of the marathon.

Everything hurts today.

Who hurt you fashion boy?
There’s a dark cloud above your head
Who hurt you sadboy?
You act like you’re already dead
But you think too much
Probably drink too much

But, I had some really nice moments to myself while I was testing my limits.

In the beginning each song that came on Pandora reminded me of people and I tried to take that memory energy and run with it.

Early on, a Helio Sequence song came on and I thought of Joy, the woman who rented me my first house in Seattle. Until the day I die, I will carry “You only regret the risks you don’t take,” with me. Those were her pearls of wisdom she delivered during an hour long phone conversation as we secured details across the country for my sublet.

At mile 4, it was “Wolf like me” and I thought about running around my college town, and my friend Kaitlin who gave me free tickets for Lollapalooza one year where TV on the Radio performed.

Then later at 9, “‘Cause I’m a Man” from Tame Impala made me think of my favorite barista, who coincidentally I had told the previous day that I was about to sign up to run the marathon. I used the idea of this great human to keep one foot moving in front of the other.

Next it was “Settle” by Vera Blue and you know what… It’s been suggested that I settle for things.

At Thanksgiving my father told me that I’m never satisfied, implying that maybe I should just settle. My coworker has also suggested that I settle for the next romantic partner that comes along.

I don’t think I can though.

I can’t settle for a person that doesn’t make me want to be the best version of myself. I can’t settle for a job that bores me or makes me cry at my desk.

I think one of the major challenges I’ve faced is that I just don’t know what it is that I am looking for, be it a person, vocation or whatever.

But I’m working on it. I’m conditioning myself so that when the whim calls, I can do it. I’m trying to take advantage of the time and people in my life to figure out what it all means, and where it is supposed to go. I’m learning as much as I can about how, and why the world works.

Clearly, I wasn’t going to win the marathon, but I was going to finish no matter what.

First, the 3:45 pacers passed me and I was like, okay, that’s fine. And then the 3:50, then the 4:00. I am sure I grimaced when the 4:10 passed but at that point it wasn’t so much about the time as finishing what I started.

It’s hard to do that- finish what you start. I have struggled with that theme across all my efforts in life.

It seems so confusing, especially when you compare yourself to others. How can some people have such a defined goal or endpoint of what they want to achieve while you feel still feel so unsure after all this time?

While I was running, or walking and counting to 100 then running again, I had the crystal clear realization that I am doing just fine.

I’m doing what works for me, and it’s incredible.

I need time. I take it for myself. My ideas can’t be forced. I figure things out when I’m out running, or riding the bus. The way I work, express myself creatively or whatever is magic and it’s mine alone.

I moved across the country, alone. I found a job. I left that one and found a better one. That didn’t work out, but I managed to survive. I have opted to phase people out of my life that aren’t good for me. I have tried, in my own way to seek out people who inspire me to be a better version of yourself.

Here’s the best cheesy metaphor- life isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon.

How fucking true.

And you don’t have to do it for anyone else. Unless you are a super human you are probably not going to win it, and that’s okay.

You have to get through fatigue and pain and freezing rain pellets in a method that only belongs to you.

So you do it, alone. You have to figure out the cadence that works for your mind, and your body. It’s okay to walk if you need to. It’s okay to dash down an hill backed by the momentum of the slope. It’s okay to sing out loud, and high-five little kids.

I think I just wanted to feel connected to myself. Sure, I revel in all this solitude, but I just wanted to see what it felt like to try it. Also, I wanted to surround myself with other people with the same need.

For the last mile, it was “Frozen Pines,” and my body hurt, and I was dangerously cold and wet and miserable but I trudged on, singing out loud to myself like a lunatic. That song has always tugged on those ephemeral strings, especially I’m gonna find a way through there’s another life beyond the line.

And I made it to the line. And two of my friends were there and they even made a sign. And they held me up as I walked around the recovery area, run drunk in my space blanket.

So, yeah! I can do whatever I want. It might not be pretty. It might not be quick. But, I can do it if I tell myself that I am going to.

I almost feel like I could quit writing you these letters. I’m pretty sure you’re not reading them anymore.

But I kind of like them.

Being vulnerable in writing is a risk in it’s own right.

I’ll keep writing until I don’t feel like I need to do it anymore.

Yours,

N.

This is nothing like it was in my room

Magellan,

Good morning from soggy, sloshy Redmond. This morning’s commute was the most terrifying one yet.

Guess what? Tomorrow I get to go see my family! So much excite.

How was your weekend? Looks like you went and ran real far. I tended to stay home and keep it low key. Roommate and myself decorated for Christmas because we are nerds and I love it.

In my best clothes, trying to think of you
This is nothing like it was in my room
In my best clothes

Went to a house party on Saturday. The home belonged to someone who works with some of my friends. And I happened to have gone on a Tinder date with him. On paper, he’s a catch- owns a home, has a job he really likes, coaches a little kids baseball team and volunteers with the homeless.

But alas, in real life- no spark. A nice dude, nonetheless and everyone had something kind to say about him.

The English are waiting and I don’t know what to do
In my best clothes, this is when I need you

Speaking of friends that work with my friends, at the party there was this other guy who I’ve actually gone on a few dates(?- is that what they were?).

Sometimes you just connect with someone.

The English are waiting and I don’t know what to do
In my best clothes

Like a highschooler I made out with him in the bathroom. Eep.

I’m the new blue-blood
I’m the great white hope
I’m the new blue-blood

So that happened.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.

Still need a date for the National. I thought someone else would be going with me, but alas, no.

I have an idea of three people to ask, however:

  1. Will probably just confuse me.
  2. Will also confuse me but at least I know he likes The National. Also, just really want this person as a friend, not a romantic interest.
  3. Will probably just confuse me, also not sure if they like The National. But maybe there is a bathroom we could make out in.

Who to ask, who to ask #firstworldproblems.

I won’t fuck us over, I’m Mr. November
I’m Mr. November, I won’t fuck us over

Gotta ask someone though. It’s a $150 ticket. Could try to sell it on Stubhub, but then I’d just get stuck sitting next to a stranger.

But aren’t we all just strangers?

I wish that I believed in fate, I wish I didn’t sleep so late
I used to be carried in the arms of cheerleaders

So Magellan what’s a girl to do?

I won’t fuck us over, I’m Mr. November
I’m Mr. November, I won’t fuck us over

Trying not to feel resentful when the only people interested in me are completely unavailable. Trying not to kick myself for not feeling anything for the ones who are. Pretty sure I need to start dating someone soon though. It’s been a hot minute.

Yours,

N.

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet

Magellan,

Happy Monday from windblown Redmond.

I had a pretty solid weekend. The gang Airbnb’d a cabin in La Connor. We drank all of the wine on Friday night. On Saturday we adventured during the day and went bowling at night. On Sunday we drove around Whidbey Island.

It was nice to be part of the crew.

It’s only in your head you feel left out or looked down on

As you can guess, I was the second best bowler. Naturally. Grandma-style and all. I made Anh drive my car and we listened to the same Jimmy Eat World song, over and over. Singing at the top of our lungs and that car ride was perfect.

Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away

Another weekend that I need a weekend to recover from my weekend.

I GET TO GO SEE MY FAMILY IN A WEEK! WAHOO!

Seriously. I can’t wait. I miss them a lot. Going to the land of ice and cheese. I won’t even be mad if it snows and I get stuck in Wisconsin for an extra few days… just saying.

I feel okay with things this week. I got my hairs did last week. I never really understood the value of a good haircut, but as what seems like the lowest of fruit in my quest to adult I am pleased with my decision to pay someone to cut my mane over my usual two glass of wine self hair cut.

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right

So yea, doing alright I guess. Just gotta get through these next few months. I’m starting this fucking awesome project at work. If I can execute it- well, not only will I be able to contract some of my friends for work but I’ll have something to show when I’m interviewing for the next thing.

Hey
You know they’re all the same
You know you’re doing better on your own so don’t buy in
Live right now
Just be yourself
It doesn’t matter if that’s good enough for someone else

Unless I figure out how to start the business of my dreams… I’m close, Magellan. Just need to figure out a few more things and find the right designer to partner with. Or hire.

NaNoWriMo not going so well… I’m only about 2,500 words in on a 50,000 requirement… EEP! Maybe I’ll find time this week?

It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right

Got some tickets to some shows! This week Hamilton Leithauser at the Neptune. I have a pair of tickets for the National on the 29th! Wahoo! Shows! Doing Stuffs!

It is what it is, Magellan. Maybe this week I’ll figure it out. Maybe not.

Yours,

N.

 

If I would know you, would you know me

Magellan,

Cheers, and happy Monday. The time changed and I have to admit that it was nice to do the morning commute in daylight.

Often, the morning drive is just the beginning of a regular old day, but once and awhile- well, there is this turn off the interstate into Redmond where I move around the bend and the view is incredibly breathtaking.

It hits.

It reminds me of this project we did in elementary art class, to learn about perspective and how color works. We ripped pieces of construction paper and layered them to create mountainscapes and sunsets.

This morning’s run was still in the dark, but the sky still was incredible, even in subtle grays and blues. The clouds appeared as if viewing from below, cotton puffs with their billowy bodies smooshed flat against a pane of glass. Lowly lit from behind, a soft midnight blue glowed through the edges.

Of all the things, I didn’t expect to ever grow such a relationship with the sky.

Don’t go, tell me that the lights won’t change,
Tell me that you’ll feel the same, and we’ll stay here forever,
Don’t go, tell me that the lights won’t change,
Tell me that it’ll stay the same

So I went and watched some amateur porn yesterday. Had a pretty nice time, I must admit. I have to give kudos for some of the storytelling.

Also, I. Just Need. To get. Laid.

But what can you do?

Where we go, where we,
Where we go, where we go,
Where we go, where we go, where we go

At the porn fest I grabbed a handful of condoms because, hey! A girlscout is always prepared. When I got home I offered them to my roommate or rather, told her where I keep them. Which is hilarious if you know my roommate because I’m pretty certain she’s waiting for marriage (or at least the person she chooses for marriage) but you never know. Can’t hurt to have a just-in-case plan.

It was her birthday yesterday. We had a potluck on Saturday which was fun to have all the gang over. Ashley got too drunk again. I’m not sure I have it in me to keep dealing with her. I feel bad- I know she is lonely in a lot of the ways I am but seriously. She gets mean.

Don’t go, tell me that the lights won’t change,
Tell me that you’ll feel the same, and we’ll stay here forever,
Don’t go, tell me that the lights won’t change,
Tell me that it’ll stay the same

Can’t wait until two Tuesdays from now! I get to see my family! So much excite.

Apparently my brother’s flight to Milwaukee is within 30 minutes of mine, so that will make our airport retrieval real easy on my mother. Also she’s driving down to Woodstock to pick up Grandma Ruby, so I get to see the woman responsible for my height capping out at 5’6″ (She’s about 4 feet tall).

I have a strange feeling this might be one of the last times I get to see Grandma Ruby.

It will be really good to see my brother. Whenever I talk to him he sounds happy, which took a good 30 years to happen. Go Tom.

Working on planning the Christmas trip to the Midwest- I’m thinking fly to STL->drive to C’dale ->back to STL->amtrak to KC -> back to SEA.

Gotta be with the ones I love.

Cheers,

N.

Do you ever get the sense, you’re watching someone else?

Dear Magellan,

Greetings. It’s been a week. Feelings!

I think, a light bulb has turned on though, so at least there is that.

Do you ever get the sense
You’re watching someone else?
Your face against the glass
Across 11th Ave

I want to spend a second talking about why I like Kyle. Since I met him on your birthday I have been fascinated with his incredible drive to create. Partially, because that is something that has been missing from my life for such a long while. Partially because he just. keeps. doing it.

Some people say they know
They never really know
They all wait for something
That never comes to them

It’s been hard to articulate the tension I feel with my own life. Now that I find myself working in transportation (I know, right?) I am all of a sudden aware of all these new opportunities.

Through one of the many newsletters I now sign up for I found the call for artists to enter a contest to put their photos on all the bus stops around King County. This first stipulation was not to have too much negative space. Well, as you are aware my beloved Polaroids have a lot of negative space. And for me- it’s part of the draw. I love that sexy white frame.

So, in true art school form I waited until the last few days to complete my submissions. Not because I didn’t want to work on them, but because I needed to process the ways I could utilize the frames.

It was seriously down to the wire, but I ended up scanning a bunch of different fabrics to use as a back drop. I did have to crop down the frames for my polaroids, but I was able to leave a border around my images.

The thing is, when I finally submitted my images I felt incredible.

But all of these dreams
Keep coming back to me slowly, slowly
And sometimes I laugh
When I think about how you know me
Yeah, you know me

I was walking home along Greenwood Ave, and then down my street. The sky was changing colors as the sun set to the west. The Cascades glowed and I felt like I was living in a painting. After feeling so indescribable- numb even I felt fire in my belly.

Wisdom comes to your heart
Down a shaft from afar
Pulls you out of bed and into the noise
Whoever’s up this late
You really still awake?
Why can’t you go to sleep like everybody else?

Last week was rough. On Monday I was so unhappy I had to leave work at noon. I just felt terrible and I couldn’t explain why.

On Tuesday, I was driving to work at the normal time (7:08) and right before I pulled onto the interstate the most incredible song came on KEXP.

I never knew how magical mornings are in the PNW. Now that every day has me driving towards the mountains and the sunrise I am cognoscente of the surroundings. The city centers sparkles, with early risers turning on lights in rooms in towers. The Olympics just barely catch the sun and to the East- well every day I think to myself “There is no way it can get better than this” and every day I am pleasantly surprised.

So there I was, at 7:10 on a Tuesday crossing from the 50th Avenue exit towards the ramp to the 520 bridge. The sky was fucking incredible and this song, with this string arrangement is playing and its fucking magical, and heartbreaking.

And all of these dreams
Keep coming back to me slowly, slowly
And sometimes I laugh
When I think about how well you know me

Before I know it I’m straight-up crying. I’m driving into the reds and pinks of the sunrise. I’m moving towards the Cascades and the misty treeline. And you know what, I realized I wasn’t dead inside like I had worried.

Really.

Sometimes I just don’t feel anything. Whether I’m trying to understand how a human could fit into my life or what I’m doing with it- nada.

But this song.

I spend a lot of time alone, and usually that’s okay but sometimes the loneliness hurts in ways I can’t explain.

On Sunday, I woke up ridiculously early. Like, who gets up at 4:30 on a weekend? But I had another light bulb go on.

There are people who are incredibly toxic to me in my life. And really, I was going to minimize how often I interacted with them. But I think I figured out who the poison is.

When I think about how well you know me
Yeah, you know me
But all of these dreams
Keep coming back to me slowly, slowly
And sometimes I laugh
When I think about how you know me
Yeah, you know me

So back to Kyle. I get why he can make art the way he does. That feeling I felt after submitting my images. That is an incredible feeling. And what more- it was because I had spent hours editing images of the people and places who don’t make me feel terrible.

I want more of that feeling.

So I’m choosing me. I’m choosing my time, and the people and moments that mean more. I’m choosing not to surround myself with particular people who make me feel like I’m not good enough, or a first choice. I’m choosing solitude over allowing someone to make me feel like shit.

When I woke up from that dream
I was sleeping in a basement
Leaves were falling on the pavement
I was happy in the city
Took a friend’s car to the ocean
Are you ready?
Are you ready?

It’s hard to see it, some days. It really is but I’m exactly where I need to be.

Yours,

N.

Sometimes you get up and bake a cake or something, sometimes you stay in bed

Magellan,

I’m betting you aren’t reading these anymore so I’ll dive right in.

It’s Monday, again, and the struggle is real. After a listless night of rolling over and over tangled in my bed sheets I was tempted to skip my daily jog. I didn’t. Many days it is the only part of my waking hours that I enjoy.

Something isn’t right. I can’t put a finger on it. I am not ready for daylight hours of darkness, or the soggy fall air. I’m not ready at all.

Did I ever tell you about Ian? I can’t remember. He told me I will always be the one that got away. He let me go, that first time.

Then he left Chicago for Boston. With a fiancee. Then returned, alone again. Then promptly found a new fiancee.

He married her, but not before he showed up at my front door 3 days before his wedding.

Sometimes you go, la, di, da, di, da, di, da, da
Till your eyes roll back into your head

Your mind is racing like a pro now
Oh my God, it doesn’t mean a lot to you
One time, you were a glowing young ruffian
Oh my God, it was a million years ago.

It feels like it was a million years ago. It was 2014, so really it was only four.

I didn’t know it until I saw pictures of his wedding on the FB that his now wife was very, pregnant.

I don’t know what’s going on. I was fairly okay with trudging along. But I’m not right now. I can’t find someone to stand next to me for my favorite bands, let alone a portion of my life.

I guess I just feel like I don’t matter to people. Even my best friend here, well I’m pretty certain he’s just hanging out with me to get closer to my roommate. I’m fucking tired of not having a best friend. Alex has checked out (and she was already in the wrong Washington). There just isn’t anyone here.

You’re dumbstruck baby
You’re dumbstruck baby, now you know
You’re dumbstruck baby
You’re dumbstruck baby, now you know

And I can’t make it stop. Partially because I am not sure what “it” is. Partially because I do know.

It’s easy to look back and analyse every time you went right when you should have gone left.

Trying not to let it, but the darkness is creeping under doors and in through cracks in the windows. It surrounds and swallows me, and I worried that maybe this time it just won’t get better

You’re dumbstruck baby

I don’t know, Magellan. If you are reading these maybe reach out because I could use a friend.

Yours,
N.

I died a week ago, there’s nothing left

Hey Magellan,

Sorry I missed last week. I was in lovely Wenatchee, WA for a transportation conference with very spotty wifi.

How’s it going? This morning on the drive to work the scenery looked like a Pinterest postcard. As much as the commute sucks, no matter what kind of weather seems to be happening its so damn pretty.

When I hit the road earlier to run it felt like something out of a horror movie. It was so foggy at 5:30, I couldn’t even see the water at Greenlake, let alone the space needle which usually peeks her head above the treeline. It’s almost cold enough you can see your breath when you breathe.

It’s caught on video
The very last breath
The very last breath
The very last breath
The very last breath
The very last breath

The sun was starting to rise as I began the drive to the Eastside. The Big Mountain was out in full glory, and the pink-tinged Cascades were nestled against misty pines. Seriously, while it’s a $4.30 fee, crossing the 520 every morning has a few perks.

In time an avalanche
Will cave in on mines
Covering all evidence
The very last time

How was your weekend? I had a fairly nice time on all the days. I managed to hang with a few different groups of people, which was nice.

Secret, I am craving my family like crazy right now. I haven’t seen them in over a year and it’s kind of the worst (minus about 24 hours when I got to see my brother around last new years). Thanksgiving can’t come soon enough.

I still feel like such a kid. I look for the adult in the room and HOLY SHIT it’s me.

All this fuss over nothing
Reinventing the wheel
All this searching for something that’s not real.

I went on what I’m deciding is my last ever Tinder date (ask me again in 6 months). I’m just over it. I had an okay time, though my date tended to mansplain a lot of things to me. Also, not that there is anything wrong with it, but IMO I’m fairly confident that my date was gay (maybe he just hadn’t figured it out yet).

I guess more than not having a partner, the thing I don’t have in Seattle is a best friend. I just don’t have that go-to person for whatever. I’ve been trying to put my finger on it. For example, most of the time I’m okay being alone or whatever, but sometimes I just need that BFF to go talk about the serious things (but also talk about pooping) with. And you know, hang out for no reason.

On another note, my good friend Anh likes my roommate and it’s kind of weirding me out. I really don’t think she’s interested in him like that, but I’m over here turning green with envy. Also, I feel like he only comes over to see her. Like, pretends he wants to see me but really is just trying to see her.

I just don’t like feeling like people are using me. Or taking advantage of me. But, whateves. Also, feeling left out but I guess that’s expanding to the greater friend group.

All this fuss over nothing
Reinventing the wheel
All this searching for something that’s not real.

I don’t know. Trying to remain surrendered to the universe. Trying to see both sides of things, and trying not to take it all personally.

Just so tired of waiting sometimes, ya know?

Yours,

N.

 

 

I count my time in dog years

Magellan,

That was a good run last week! It’s nice to try and run beside someone, even if for only nine miles.

Greetings from beautiful Redmond on this drizzly Monday morning. It was dark enough today when I made the drive that I didn’t need to wear sunglasses. Except my glasses are prescription so I probably need to get my non-sun glasses in BaeRu.

Swimming in sevens, slow dancing in seconds…

Or rather, “Another one bites the dust (probably).”

I’ll tell anyone that listens that I’m perfectly happy with my current surrender to the universe- I am. But still, it doesn’t mean I don’t get excited about the sheer possibility of something being more than nothing.

I spend my time daydreaming
As sure as the sea
It’s just you and me

I dunno.

I don’t think it can ever be like that love you had at 17. Never again will I ever find myself that flexible to conform to someone else’s life, and there is a sinking realization that I might not even have to try.

Anyways.

Saw Gorillaz this past weekend. It was a fairly entertaining show. My friend Harry had free tickets in a suite (which is clearly the way to do things right). After that show, I accompanied my former wedding date to another show in West Seattle at a dive and that was maybe a more fun performance for me to observe.

Gots to figure out how to gets the music into my life. Of the things that are missing, that is a major one.

Oh, and I’m the one that loves you
Oh, and I’m the one that loves you

My boss is on vacation this week which means I have to be in the office but that there isn’t very much work to do. I have a huge map project to start, but I need to make sure we will receive the grant funding to do what I want to do so I’m pretty much sitting here twiddling my thumbs and writing letters, and running out of Internet.

This morning on my run it was dark, and Monday am runs are always extra quiet, suggesting that the other runners decided to hit snooze instead of waking muscles achy from weekend adventures for a jaunt through sleepy streets. I fear I’m to the point where I won’t observe any more sunrises as I traverse the neighborhood on foot until April. (Undoubtedly I have at least a month more of experiencing the sky’s gradual acceptance of day as I drive- weather permitting).

I love that morning light though. That might be the worst part about a Seattle winter, waking, running, living in that absence.

And if you had a bad week
Just let me touch your cheek

It’s a treading water kind of moment in my life right now… I’m okay with it for the time being, but I need to commit to starting to move towards what’s next. I’m not a stranger to hard work, or jumping on unexpected opportunities. I just honestly don’t know what I want.

In time.

I count my time in dog years, dog years, dog years, dog years, dog years
We will be alright (Dog years, dog years)
We will be alright (Dog years, dog years)
In the afterlife (Dog years, dog years, dog years, dog years)
Singing, baby, we will be alright (Dog years, dog years)
We will be alright
We will be alright

Yours,

N.