I’m a long way from the land that I left

Hey buddy,

How’s it going this week. Again I missed Sunday- but I have two good reasons, I swear.

1.) It’s summer now which means every weekend is jam packed with things to do and people to see. Yesterday I got surprisingly lit at a Mariners game- apparently 3 glasses of wine in the sun is too many to manage to write the stuff at the end of the day.

2.) The downstairs neighbor’s cat apparently broke the modem. We have no internet for the next few days. First world problems!

So despite all this activity paired with a sorta new job I’m working (I really have no idea what is going on with it, but I keep showing up and they keep paying me) I feel a sense of overwhelming sadness. ūüė¶

I just don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Last night I couldn’t sleep for the life of me, so I just laid there and stared at shadows on the ceiling.

I just. Don’t know. What. To. Do.

I’ve been running through life and cruising toward death

Ug, I don’t know Magellan. It was so nice and for that tiny sliver of time I thought things might work out for me. And it’s not like I want crazy things- just a relationship that means something and turns into something real. A job that gives me just a little bit of purpose while paying my rent. Not crazy things. I don’t know when I fucked up that I just can’t make these things happen.

Oh, get this. I had another male friend (who is married) basically drop the truth bomb that he had explored having an open relationship with his wife because he had feelings for me. Why do married men get feelings for me when I have zero interest in going there? Like, what the hell man. Sometimes I feel like the relationship ender. (Although in the end they don’t pick me).

I’m a long way from the one that I loved
I’ve been tending old flames, lamenting what was

I’m way more bummed about this last dude I tried to date than I thought I would be.

It’s so dumb. I don’t know what he wanted from me. I gave him time. He knew I was considering leaving, but that dummy. At the end of the day I’m going to choose love over everything else. If only he could have just gave me a little time.

Time. That’s probably what we all are trying to buy more of, huh?

Find me way out there
there’s no road that will lead us back
When you follow the strange trails
they will take you who knows where
If I found a way to stay with you tonight
it would only make me late, for a date I can’t escape

Magellan- maybe if we met at a different time. And we were different people. And we wanted the same things. If circumstances could be different.

Yours,

N.

What it means to be more

Magellan,

Howdy, partner. How are you? I had another nice PNW weekend. It is my friend Andy from high school’s birthday this week, but since he is headed to Chicago we celebrated Saturday with a hike out in the Cascades. Then, we went to an Everette Aquasox baseball game. All in all, not the worst day.

Unfortunately, my foot is really hurting. I don’t think I did anything specifically to hurt it, but there is something wrong with the bottom of my arch. Not good, my friend. Not good. I was finally getting back to pre KC pace. On my last few runs I’ve hauled and (with the exception of my foot on the last run) it’s felt really good. Dang it.

You can’t win them all now can you?

I’ve started doing some work for this app start-up. It’s interesting and at least they are paying me a little but I’d be a lot more comfortable with regular income, ya know.

Still not sure whether I want to stay or go. I like this boy, but then sometimes I find myself looking at him and wondering if this is what I really want. I feel like maybe he is a pretty selfish person (and I think we all are at this point) but I’m just not sure. We’ve been having a few communication issues, and I can only identify this because it is EXACTLY what I would do, but it’s as if he’s trying to give me an out.

Like, the other night we went out and I met some of his friends. Then he decided it was time to go home and I was like, ok, sure. So we went to his house. He seeemed like he was in a bad mood. He went to the bathroom and I was just standing there, part thinking about all the shoes he had lined up by his door and part wanting to run and when he came out he got mad at me for just standing there.

I’m a weird girl, but jebus. He was like “I’m just going to take you home.” And I was like, “Wait, what?” And he was mad at me because I was just standing there.

It’s so hard sometimes. We just expect that people are going to let us down, so we try to give them an easy out.

Do I want an easy out?

Show me
What a difference you make
What a word that you say now could mean when it’s over, and it comes time for change

Maybe? Should I have taken it? I mean, we ended up talking it out but seriously. I don’t do things I don’t want to do.

Cause I’m gonna miss you
I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone
I’m gonna miss you
I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone, ah

Also, am I really that difficult/infuriating?

I missed connecting with my father yesterday (stupid time zone math) but we had a nice talk today. We discussed my ideas about Kansas City. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take long for him and ¬†my ¬†mother to relocate down somewhere between there and St. Louis (where my little bro is) should I move there.

I just don’t know, Mag.

I miss my family a lot. I miss my friends. I really hate this waiting shit. I really, really do. My father seems to understand (and dare I say support) my inclination to move to KC.

I have to go in a minute and work for that startup. I got my hopes up a lot last week with all my interviews. A recruiter from Zillow reached out but I haven’t heard from her since. Everybody all over just always getting my hopes up it seems. It would be easier to stay than leave. But maybe I still want to leave?

Show me
What a life this could be
What a promise you make now could mean when the day comes, that everything you see
Is without me

I. Don’t. Know.

Talk to you in a week. I’m sure it’ll be a completely different story.

Yours,

N.

This is your last chance to find a go-go dance to disco now

Magellan,

Hi there. Sorry that I keep missing Sundays. Have been having adventures.

I done fucked up. Perhaps you’ve caught a few posts from my other blog, but I pushed it too far. I wrote a post involving a friend and he got really hurt by it. Fack.

I should have known better. I said some things I still stand by, but I also know I shouldn’t have said others.

So lets talk about privilege and entitlement. *yay!

I’m guessing both you and I have lived fairly easy lives. We were born in America, to white parents who did their best to feed, shelter, and educate us. We’ve struggled, sure. There was a recession that made jobs hard to find at the time when we were supposed to be finding them. But we survived. Because of our whiteness we were easily hired at restaurants and bars and were able to make enough income to live better than a giant percentage of people across the world, even if we felt at the low rungs of the American income brackets.

We’ve been able to be unemployed and not homeless. We’ve been able to travel. We have a place we could turn to if everything turned to shit tomorrow. We are lucky sonofabitches.

We (ok, at least me) think that we deserve to be happy. I spend so much time trying to define what that would be and trying to figure out how to get it. It’s my god damned given right as person.

And we (or maybe me) have this ideal, of what our life will look like when we find that happy.

But here is the thing- I don’t think it has to look like what we thought it was.

Here is a secret. I have all but declared my intention to leave. I have gone so far as to give my roommate a date with a 90% chance that I will follow through. I have not however, told most my friends, my parents, or more importantly the boy I am seeing.

Ah crap, you knew it was coming right? Why does this happen. I booked that flight to Kansas and the next mother fucking day met a human in real life. And I don’t know if I felt anything at first, but I liked this human enough to hang out for 5 STRAIGHT DAYS and then invite him to every social function of my life and if this isn’t falling for someone then I don’t know what is.

This is, my goddamed romance novel, right? At least the movie version. YOU ACTUALLY FIND A GOSH DARN PERSON, IN REAL LIFE THE MOMENT YOU CALL IT QUITS. You decide to leave then someone makes you want to stay. Fuckkkkkk.

And he doesn’t look like what I thought I was looking for. He’s kind of granola-y or earthy or something and I am not nearly outdoorsy enough for him. He’s kind of a dork, and a bit of a nerd and maybe just weird enough for me. (Also, he’s a vegetarian that hates a lot of the vegetables I like so what the fuck are we going to do with that?).

Now I’m to the point where I’m like, Oh fuck. I’ve been the pure, unfiltered version of myself because I thought I was leaving and maybe wasn’t into it in the very beginning but now he has all the scary details and when it boils down to it, there is no way he would pick me.

Gah! What about my happiness that I’m entitled to on all fronts? I want to rule the business world AND have the man of my dreams WHILE I can afford to buy property IN ADDITION TO being near family.

 
You left the station now to the floor
With speculation, what was it for
In that old hallway
Moses, why don’t you say
You’ve been away for a long time
 

So Magellan. What’s a girl to do? If I were to flip that quarter in the air, what side would I hope it lands on? I just don’t know.

On the plus, I’m becoming a pro at interviews! Had one last week for an established tech company. Had one today for a start-up and have one tomorrow for a potential writing gig with some consulting company.

Believe me Natalie…

I can’t even tell you where my head will be at in a week. Camping was great. I felt so alone, then all of a sudden I found this new group of no drama friends who make me laugh from deep in the gut. That’s the best kind.

God, help me somehow
There’s no time for survival left
The time is now
‘Cause this might be your last chance to disco, oh-oh, oh-oh

Yours,
N.

 

Ps- sorry if the end of this post appears wonky. Trying to fix the code right now.

Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

Magellan!

Greetings from Kansas City. Holy hell, I love it here. Perhaps I am a Midwest heart after all. I’m telling you. Once you are done traveling the world and need to take a break we should all meet out here. I’m going to buy a little house where I can grow old.

And when you’re out there, without care

I’m heading back to Seattle tomorrow. I think I’m going to give it until the end of my lease (January) to see if anything changes. I do have a summer chock full of activities to look forward to, as well as an interview on Wednesday for a job at a company that I am very excited about.

And I might have tricked another boy to pick me up at the airport…

LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE BUSY MAKING PLANS, AMIRIGHT? Ah, crap. 2 weeks ago I was fully set to make moving out here by the end of July a thing. (Angry Sim *shakes fist at universe).

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

So yeah, Kansas huh? Yes, the PNW has mountains and water and always appears as a Pinteresty-worthy postcard. But- hawt damn if I don’t want to own a house. With my ability to keep jobby jobs… A home is never one thing I would be able to afford out there, especially on my own.

And I miss my family… At least in KC they wouldn’t be as far away. My little bro would be a mere 4 hour ride to STL and the Subaru would love to make that little trip.

Regardless, now is the time to draft a PNW Bucket List:
Hot Springs
Orcas Island
I NEED TO SEE A WHALE GOSH DARNIT
Sleep on a boat
Stay at a cabin
Seahawks game
Go to Alaska
Group vacation at an island
Yellowstone
Glacier Park

And the list goes on.

Come on now, who do you
Who do you, who do you
Who do you think you are?

So what can one do? We go up, we get down. I’m pretty sure my life is stuck on one of those personal trampolines and I just keep hopping and hopping and hopping. How does one turn apply of this potential energy to something tangible? The universe keeps sending these little pokes taunting “Oh hey, you want this? Maaaaaaaybe you can have it” and then you go after it and perhaps you get it or perhaps it’s three more steps back.

Who knows. In a week I could have a boyfriend and a job and be whistling a different tune. Or, in two weeks I could say fuck it and move out here after all.

Maybe I’m crazy
Maybe you’re crazy
Maybe we’re crazy
Probably

Uh, uh

Yours,
N.

 

A state of being find so fleeting

Magellan,

Hey yah. Sorry I missed Sunday and also Monday.

I have had the most incredible past few days (since Thursday). Makes it real hard for a girl to decide whether she should stay or go.

On Thursday I went to Golden Gardens with a few friends. It’s always surprising how many people are not at work in the middle of the day. After we got our fix of vitamin D (I burned the backs of my knees, a fact I discovered when I took my first post-beach shower), we went and had tacos followed by gelato. Then I went to a rock show and met some of the most hilarious people I have found in Seattle. The band was not half-bad either (Moon Dial). All in all, I won Thursday.

Friday was nice too. Sat at Greenlake and watched people with a friend. Met up with another friend and had tacos again.

Saturday I rode passenger with a friend and we drove to the edge of the continent. Seriously, this state is so beautiful, I’m not sure if I can leave. The sky was so blue for the entire drive, but when we got to Cape Flattery there was a band of fog. We went to the edge and couldn’t see any further. It’s like the world is flat.

On the way back we caught the sunset over the Olympics from the ferry. Definitely not the worst.

On Sunday all the Memorial Day orphans who didn’t get to go camping met at Greenlake. It was a lovely day.

And on the fifth day, I rested.

I’m heading to Kansas City tomorrow. I’m hoping to find a little clarity as to what move to make. ¬†I was feeling so alone until I made up my mind to leave and now I don’t know what to think.

Waiting on a feeling

How come life is what happens while you are busy making plans?¬†Isn’t it¬†funny? You try so hard to figure it out and learn as much as you can, but the more you are aware of¬†you realize the less you know.

Too long a wire waiting on
It triggers when it wanna to
And how long you wanna wait it on
This feeling you’d never know or want
And out of line you were telling me
Things apparent that I could not see
Think about it we ain’t going back
This feeling you’d wanna wait

Yours,

N.

So lonely so pretty such a lack of diplomacy

Magellan,

Did you see? I started a new blog about running. Well rather, the thoughts I have while running. I’m excited for it, but it’s hard. I’m not clever, every time as you are well aware. I just wanted to get into the practice of writing every day, and since I run nearly every day it seemed like the practical thing to do. Also I need writing samples that are a little more, eh, censored. Next time you are bored you should check it out. I’ll try not to be too redundant but redundancy is one of my favorite words.

Spring/Summer is finally in Seattle and it is about time. Today I spent the day at Green Lake with my friends Anh and Dennis. We made jokes the whole day and it was nice to be in the sun. There was a guy roller skating around the lake the whole time we were there (which was hours upon hours). At one point Anh asked what we thought he was listening to on his headphones. I immediately suggested “Love Shack” and we all agreed that was totally what he was grooving to on repeat. I threatened to yell “AND GET YOUR JUKEBOX MONEY” at him on one of his next passes but then we moved away from the path and into some shade.

Then, like usual we part ways and I walked home and ever so conspicuously the inevitable sense of WTF am I doing with my life crept back in.

Far-out so far-out, such a fall-out
Not only that you’re lonely

Fight or flight. Treading water. Not moving. Fight or flight. I have a phone interview tomorrow for a job in Kansas. I’m worried I might actually get it and have to decide if I want to take it or not and I’m not sure what my answer would be.

I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I never did. I don’t know what to do next. Fuck. Here we go a fucking gain.

I had to lie on the living room floor for a little while.

Maybe I need some roller skates. Or some jukebox money.

All I want to do is run. I get up. I wait for my body to be ready. I run. I know how far I can go, and every few weeks I tack on a little extra distance. But then it’s over and I have the whole rest of the day to try and figure out what to do with my life.

I just want to keep running. When I’m running at least I’m doing something. I’m moving. I’m breathing. I’m thinking about love and life and the way when I breathe in air¬†my lungs take it in and my heart pumps blood and it moves the oxygen through my body and my muscles flex and extend and propel me forward.

With running I get to hang out with my favorite songs. These endeared jams of former playlists keep my company while I think about old loves and new ideas. I battle with the elements and play chicken with other runners.

It’s the last thing I feel like I have, and I’m dangerously close to overextending myself. But I can’t stop. If I stop I won’t have a reason to get out of bed. And when it’s over I have to wait 24 hours to run again. I’m well back on my way to fighting weight for the first time in years. My roommate is doing the elimination diet (no wheat, cheese, alcohol, nightshades and other certain things) and I am on precisely the opposite.

Man, Magellan. I’m in a cannon right now. Not quite sure where to find the path back up, and it feels like it’s taking forever.

Forever is a long long time
When you’ve lost your way

Yours,

N.

Been talking ’bout the way things change, and my family lives in a different state

Magellan,

Howdy. Another week. I spent the entire day in bed yesterday. Entire day.

My best friend from high school just had a baby! She made a human. Her story of meeting her husband is super romantic. She went down to New Orleans for some cocktail festival that her friend was a part of. Her (then) future husband saw her in a bar and told his friends “I’m gonna marry that woman.”¬†She lived in Chicago, he was from the Bay. They started writing letters. I remember sitting next to her at Bar Deville in Chicago while she got excited about writing him a letter, or finding the perfect stationary. He came out for a few visits, and then moved out to the Windy City.

They got engaged right after I moved to Seattle. In one of the shortest pre-wedding periods ever, they planned the most epic wedding in less than a month. After living here for 3 months I flew to Las Vegas along with nearly all of their family and friends. They got married in a tiny chapel and rented a double decker bus with a singing Elvis that drove down the strip at sunset.

They are hands down, the most attractive couple on the planet and I’m pretty sure little Winston is going to be a looker too.

It’s Mother’s day, did you call your mom?

My favorite memory of my mother is actually a really sad one. I was kind of a shit as a kid, but before I was a little asshat I was just a girl. We lived in this subdivision with a bunch of other families with kids and we all rode the bus to school together. That was how I met Mandy (and my mother met her mom, Donna). At one point we went to Florida for a vacation (the only vacation my family ever took) with their family. It worked well because she also had a little brother that was my little brother’s age, and our fathers also got along.

Around third grade, Allison and her family moved kitty-corner to me. At first, it was fun. There was another girl to play with. But soon, Donna and Mandy were choosing to hang out with Allison and her mother and not inviting me and mine. I remember my mother was sitting on the porch and I was probably drawing with chalk on the sidewalk. I looked up and saw Mandy’s family van drive up and park in Allison’s driveway. They got out and went inside. I went and sat on my mom’s lap and I think we both cried. It’s one thing when everyone else is hanging out without you, but it’s another when you see it.

My mother and I are both quiet, awkward people. Once you can get through that, you learn that we are incredibly smart, loyal, and even (at least I like to think) hilarious. That was the first time I believe¬†I really connected with my mother. To this day, I hate feeling left out and I don’t know how to not get passive aggressive about it. I am always trying to connect my friends to each other, but then get incredibly jealous when they do stuff together without me.

It really sucks having my family so far away. I was never best friends with my mother and definitely spent my teenage years fighting with her. Now, my best friends from that time are getting married and having babies. Mandy already has 3 (twins!) and they are already halfway through elementary school. Even though I started over here less than 3 years ago, I feel like I am starting over, yet again.

I miss my mom, and I don’t really know how to tell her that but I sure as hell am not going to move to Wisconsin (<-not where I grew up). I have my mother’s wedding dress. Should I ever meet the man of my dreams, I fully intend to get it “updated” and invite select friends and family for a best day ever. Instead of blowing a wad of cash on a party because some wedding magazine tells me that’s how you do it, I want a day of activities where everyone is dressed like we’re going to a wedding but instead we’re going to go to a baseball game, take a boat ride, maybe go bowling, maybe go-cart racing, and hopefully have a beach bonfire at the end of the day.

My parents met, eloped and they are still married and it’s adorable. If they were able to find each other (here, in Washington after meeting at a Halloween party) then I have to believe there is someone out there for me, just waiting to have a best day ever.

And if you don’t know what to make of this
Then we will not relate.
(don’t worry, I’ll keep writing^)

Yours,

N.

It seems strange how we used to wait for letters to arrive

Hey-o Magellan,

How’s it going? I have just enjoyed week one of my (under) paid sabbatical. WHO NEEDS TO WORK? Turns out when your company goes out of business EVERYONE gets laid off. It’s not the kindest thought, but it’s comforting to know it wasn’t just me.

Also, LOL, did you see my post about appearing in a magazine? Who even knows what it says since it’s in Japanese, but I dig the photos. I’m gonna be famous one day.

So, I’ve officially broken in the Subaru. As in, dinged¬†kissed the bumper of a car with my car’s bumper in a Trader Joe’s parking lot. (Don’t worry, it’s just some surface scratches). Moral of the story, I can’t have nice things. Also, 2017- turning out to be quite a challenge year. Not sure that’s what I was hoping for but what does not kill you MAKES YOU STRONGER, AMIRIGHT?

Here’s a new truth bomb. I’m contemplating leaving Seattle. I mean, I can’t find my dream job, I can’t find my dream man and it’s so fucking expensive. Don’t tell anyone, but as I’m searching for my next job I’m applying in places like Denver and Kansas City and DC area. (Fingers crossed for KC). I want to love it here. It’s beautiful. People are progressive. But man, why you be so hard life? I just want to spend my days doing stuff I love and my nights snuggled next to someone I love. (No offense, Bon Jovi. I love your giant orange cat snuggles and sighs… just can’t help but want the “touch of a man” <- I’ve read like, 12 romance novels since my sabbatical began).

Ooh, here’s one. I went on a date last weekend. Actually 2 dates! With a dude I kinda liked. Except he’s ghosted me, I believe. At this point I am texting him scenarios of why he’s a dooshbag for not just telling me he’s not that into me. The best yet is “while on a random whale watching excursion to Alaska you were so mesmerized by a pod of orcas you slipped on the deck and cast your phone into the ocean.” #whyamisingle.

It’s mother’s day next weekend so call your mom!

I guess that’s it for now.

But what’s stranger still,
Is how something so small can keep you alive.

Yours,

N.

But if you try sometimes you just might find

Magellan,

I am having one hell of a time this spring, that’s for sure. First I lost little baby, now the job.

It sucks. I really wanted to prove myself. They called it a layoff, and well, I get that. I knew there wasn’t a ton of business and knew I would be the first to go. I knew it was happening before it happened. They did an ops meeting which they do every week, but when I heard the doors close to the conference room I just knew. Then my one coworker left followed by the other. My heart started pounding. My two bosses brought me in the conference room and told me they had to let me go.

Then they jabbed the knife in a little. Told me I needed to step up more (true). Told me I was defensive, which also has¬†an air of truth. I was sad because for folks who boast transparency as their guiding light it would have been helpful to address that defensiveness when it presented itself. I know I put a guard up to protect myself- I have to. I wish I could have more trust in people but it’s hard. I think my whole life I’ve struggled with feeling that there is no one looking out for me.

I struggled to connect with them. They are all talkers and I felt like I was always silenced. In retrospect, I should have just given them my usual unfiltered self. It is hard to join a team with so much history.

In college, I did a semester where I thought I was going to be a glass artist. The thing is, glass blowing is hard. But it’s not that hard. My problem was that I was so worried about following the correct procedure that I was unable to just go with the flow and react to the glass. (Also, I mean, come on. Glass? All anyone ever asked was if I made pipes or bongs. Not about the concept of the vessels I was creating or about the craft of it all).

So that’s that. Usually, I have faith in my discernment to go with the flow and react accordingly with confidence in my ability to quickly distill what I know, identify a problem and respond. I don’t know why I couldn’t turn it on. For most of the time I felt like there was this giant fog in whatever place in my brain that needed to work. And some of the depression I have been dealing with didn’t help either.

I am a little pissed- the day before they let me go I attended a digital marketing conference- my peers. I would have networked completly differently had I known I was losing my job the next day. I could have put feelers out to see who was hiring. I did, at least connect with 2 of the speakers (maybe going right to the top is the way to go) and potentially have a freelance opportunity for a super cool Seattle-based newsletter and a new mentor (who has published a book!).

You can’t always get what you want.

You can, however keep plugging away. There are so many kernels I will take with me so that’s good. Also! Oh, do you talk to Kyle? We are about to embark on a collaboration and I am so FUCKING excited. He’s really incredible. I’ve tried explaining to Alex (my Kyle) how terribly talented he is. And he can write! Hopefully we can digitize our project so you can follow along.

It’s funny. Randomly meeting you has been such a gift. Each week I get to dump my thoughts (some weeks are waaaaay more eloquent than others, obviously) and I’ve met your Alex, who is in some way really challenging me to think through a project that is going to hopefully lead to feeling ownership towards Seattle and actually get to know dozens of business owners, neighborhood by neighborhood.

At the conference my new mentor (hopefully) talked about chance encounters. You never know when you’ll be sitting next to your friend’s husband’s cousin who lives next door to someone’s sister who will change your life. Unburdened by my job, I actually finally feel like that fog is gone and maybe I have the tools to change my own life. And the right connections to make something happen.

Sometimes, you have to walk into a bar and start a project writing letters to a man about to travel the world.

But if you try some times, well you just might find. You get what you need.

Yours,

N.

You know when people change, they gain a peace but they lose one too

Magellan,

How’s it going?

This weekend was ok. Saturday felt like at least 4 different days. I drove up to Lynwood with my friend Dennis and looked for treasures at various Goodwills and thrift shops. Then we met up with our friend Anh for lunch, then played a little hacky sac. Then I tried to hang out with my friend Ashley but she was already super drunk at 5 pm. I am not a caregiver.

I feel bad… I know she is really unhappy here but I just don’t know how to help. I am a firm believer that if there are things you want, you take the steps to get the things you need. In her case, I honestly think if she could quit drinking and use that time to apply herself to what she really wants she’d have a better time. I dunno. I just know I’m too old to get that drunk… And she’s drunk every time I try to hang out with her.

I watched this foreign movie about love last night. There were these two people that met, and essentially their respective partners cheated on them with the other’s partner. The thing that stood out to me was that they discussed how when people decide that a relationship is over its because they can do better than the person they are with.

With this in mind, my last few partners think that they can do better than me. I’ve never really talked about Ted (have I?), so I guess now is a good time.

I had been dating this guy, Joel, back in Chicago. Except, he didn’t want to claim me as his girlfriend. One time we were at a show at the Fireside bowling alley and we were talking to one of his friends at the bar. The bartender asked, “Beer for your girlfriend?” and he said “She’s not my girlfriend.” Joel’s friend said “Oh, you’re just the girl he fucks.” I walked out and cried on the side of the building.

Then I rode my bike to Annie Sloan’s apartment and we watched the Joy Division movie and drank wine.

A few weeks later I went to visit Alex in New York, but I slept through my first flight and had to get on a later one. It had a connecting flight through Raleigh, North Carolina. At the airport bar I met an older Australian gentleman. I told him about Joel and he told me to be done with him. So, after my trip I went home and ended things with Joel in an email.

I felt free, for once. I figured maybe I wanted to move to Brooklyn. I don’t know. I’m not just some girl you fuck.

Then, a week later my friend Kaitlin had a birthday party. I was having a good time and in walked this boy who kinda glowed and I pointed and said “I want that one.” That was Ted and we ended up dating for 3.5 years.

He was my best friend for a lot of that time, but there were things I never knew. There were things I should have known. I spent the first 3 years thinking I would marry him, and that last .5 trying to convince myself I still felt that way. I called him Panda and he called me Koala. We had great Halloween costumes… One year we were Finn and Jake from Adventure Time. One year we were the kids from Moonrise Kingdom.

But at the end, we just wanted different things. In the easiest breakup ever, I told him “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you,” and he said “Ok.” I guess he thought he deserved a better person than me.

The thing is, I think I’m pretty awesome. Sure, I’m a little bit of an acquired taste, but I’m pretty solid. I go after the things I want. I’m a woman of my word. I take care of myself to the best of my ability. I am always trying to grow or be better.

But I’m so lonely. Should I have stuck out that symbiotic companionship? No, but damn. I miss having someone to spend Saturdays with. I have all these male friends who don’t even feel the passing of time like I do, and think we all have so much time. And this is our real life! And it just keeps happening whether we want it to or not.

And Ted, this human I loved (and still do) doesn’t respond to phone calls or texts so it’s like the 4 year chunk of our lives never happened. Though, because it happened I’m now in my 30s and single instead of married and working on a family. And my best friend from that time prefers to pretend that I don’t even exist.

But the winter will wash what is left of the taste.

So perhaps I don’t really exist. I’m not good enough to claim, or fight for. I’m just some girl you fuck.

Meh,

N.