Throw the sailors, overboard

Magellan,

I’m sure by the time you’re reading this it’ll already be closer to next week’s edition than the last. Sorry. A week ago I went to bed and haven’t woke up feeling the same since. Yesterday I called it, “A new kind of terrible each morning.”

What started off as the chills turned into aches, and nausea (which hasn’t quite gone away), to dripping mucous from every opening. ūüėÄ

Anyways, I’m nearly back to normal except for my super-sexy throaty nasal voice.

So I maybe filed my taxes? *insert shrug emoji*

How the heck is a girl ever supposed to get herself ahead. I am just not sure anymore.

Tonight for dinner I ate a sesame bagel with cream cheese (JUST LOOK AT ME ADULTING OVERHERR’).

Yep, just crushing it lately.

In short:

  1. I’ve been real sick. Yep yep, all the bad things happening to my bod.
  2. ¬†Since I’ve been sick I’ve been mostly sleeping. Little to update on
  3.  I maybe filed my taxes. at 7:30 pm on deadline day via turbo tax.
  4. I will never ever make more money than I have to spend on making money

Wish I had a clue…

Going to sleep some more. Hopefully next week’s letter will be stronger. My brain is mush.

Yours,

N.

Stressed by the distance of shoes and the bridges too far to be named

Magellan,

How are things?

I’m doing alright, alright.

Everyday I miss Tuesday. She was a good one. But life has to go on.

This morning I woke up early like I always do. I tried to find someone to go hiking with. I’m not very big on hiking, but when the sun is out and you’re trying not to go for a run but feel the need to be active it’s a nice trade. Also, one of my justifications for getting the Subaru was that I wanted to be able to travel at will just outside of the city. So, I took a drive and went for a little hike. I scaled a small mountain (and tried not to run although a few little dashes caught me…) and it was lovely. I listened to one of my favorite bands and I smelled the earth and walked towards the coulds.

My little brother is the shit. Yesterday, I was walking to go meet up with someone to talk about an art project (that I am OVER THE GOD DAMNED MOON) about, but as I was leaving my house I realized the mail had came. When I brought it inside to rifle through it, I found an Amazon package for me. (I had not ordered anything for myself from the company that is changing Seattle forever). So I opened it, and it had 2 CDs and I knew immediately that they were from Tom. And turns out, the new Future Islands is the best thing I’ve heard in forever. And the only CD player I have is in the new Subaru… Best. Driving. Music. Ever.

Have you ever just kind of felt like you found someone who was actually supposed to cross your path? I think this might have happened and I cannot wait to see where it leads. I am doing my best to embrace this time. The lonely, solo time. The moments I get to choose for myself. The people I get to decide whether or not I spend my time with. Anywhoo, through the absolute most random of occurrences, someone has entered my life in a way that I don’t think I’ll be able to keep living without a change. And it’s such an beautiful, empowering change.

It’s a human to relate to. It’s a friendship that can only grow. It’s realizing that these stories about people and life, the ones I struggle to articulate and share that someone. Someone feels this pull from the universe as well. I’m so excited for the next year of my life.

Last night I saw Radiohead, and naturally, they were incredible. Unfortunately, at 5’5″ the view is never going to be the best, and it was official, “everyone is going to fart a bunch” night but I ¬†had that incredible concert moment that everyone hopes for at a show. Maybe they don’t. I had that concert moment¬†I hope for.

I remembered the time in 2003, when I had found one of those flyers with the tear-off bits with phone numbers. Someone had 2 Radiohead tickets to sell because they had gotten better ones, and they wanted 50$. (I cannot remember if it was each or total, but I grabbed the number and gave it to my then boyfriend). We ended up catching a ride from Carbondale to St. Louis and saw Radiohead and it was incredible. While I was watching them last night in Key Arena, I was finally, after nearly 15 years so incredibly thankful for that first major relationship. That was the one where you just don’t know any better, and you don’t quite have your own identity, but you still believe that love can conquer damn near anything, and be absolute. You are so young you believe another human can love you more than you love yourself. And everyone deserves to have that kind of love, at least once in their lives. That just happened to me when I was 18-20.

But I am¬†so strong now. I am so free, and so able to take advantage of the moments and people and places that are best for me. I have so much that so many people don’t have, especially ones who have settled for things that will never let them really explore all that they can be. I have enough faith in myself to say “No, that’s not what I want” and I have the ability to make dumb choices, but the freedom to recover.

I wish I could articulate it with justice, but I am so inspired and ready for whatever is next. I don’t want to give that credit to another person for these thoughts, but I am really happy to have found a friend I can finally relate to.

Yours,

N.

To think I might not see those eyes, makes it so hard not to cry

Magellan.

Last week. :,(

I don’t think I have any tears left. Just a ginger cat who finally realized his 12-year sidekick is gone. A little orange guy who will not be more than 5 feet away from me. We can only sort of hold each other and try not to look or listen for her.

I had to do it. I had to make the call. It made my soul shake and snot seep out both nostrils. My eyes burned and my heart ached and there is the biggest missing piece yet.

It’s more than a pet. It is losing a companion. It is losing a keeper of ¬†twelve years worth of memories and hope. It is losing the best damn alarm clock, and it’s losing a limb. It’s losing a best friend and a giant piece of me.

I’m so lucky. I had this creature that loved me, more than anything besides maybe Bon Jovi.

I know to some it seems like a simple grief, and I should be over it already but this was my unit. No matter how hard life seemed, or how behind, or how unsuccessful I was with everything, I had this little being that didn’t care. She¬†just wanted to curl up on my chest, or yell at me to fill up the food bowl then look at it like, “Ok, great. I’ll eat this later.” She was such a piece of the last decade+ of my life.

She died in my arms. I took her back to the vet. Well, Elizabeth drove because if that wouldn’t have happened I would have been sleeping in the bathtub with Tuesday while she lived her last days, dying of extreme hunger and thirst. She had stopped eating and drinking. They sent me home from the vet (the time I got to bring her home) with antibiotics, and antacids, and an IV bag of fluid. I was supposed to grab my love, twice a day and insert a very large needle into her back and give her 50cc of fluid 2x a day. Grab, my darling little cat who up until last Friday was only held when she deemed ok, (or forced into it for her once-a-day snuggle/I love you). And she just let me. She was so far gone, she didn’t even flinch when I stuck a giant needle into her scruff.

She died in my arms. Elizabeth and I cried, more than for either of our breakups. She was our baby. She was the little cat that never tried to run away. She would sit, in the hallway halfway between each of our rooms to make sure we were both safe. She would often pick the one who needed her most, and rest her little soul-patched chin on our legs or our arms.

And the last person, the girl who took her away, after her last breath had passed through her little kitty face. That bitch called her Wednesday. She was a Tuesday. She was the day where you still have a few to figure it out. It’s not Monday, so it’s not terrible. In college Tuesday was dollar night at Hangar 9 and we would go and dance, and drink $1 gin and tonics. And love, oh how we would love. I would say 75% of my Carbondale polaroids are from dollar night. Tuesday was not a Wednesday. Just googled it. Tuesday was born on August 13th, 2005. That was a Saturday. She now owns 3 days of the week. The day she was born, the day she walked into my life to stay, and the day I had to say goodbye. She owns all of them, if you think about it, because all days end in day. But Tuesday will always be my favorite day.

After we said goodbye, we came home and drank one of Elizabeth’s fancy champagnes that she had got from her old job. We looked at all the polaroids I had taken and turns out Elizabeth had her own extensive kitty picture collection from both the nuggets. Tuesday would have been so mad at how much we cried over her, but we listened to Billie Holiday and tried to think of all our favorite Tuesy stories.

I’m going to stop apologizing for feeling. These emotions are me.

Another thing I want to stop apologizing for is my new car. Yep, I got her! She is glorious, and I love her. (And she is, the color of little muffin’s eyes). I am tentatively calling my Subaru “Bae B” and I think that’s fitting. I bought myself a brand-spanking new car. The exact one that I want. I saved for 2 years to make the down payment. My monthly payments might be a smidge higher than I would like, but in 4 years I will fully own the exact car I want.

I’m a god-damed golden retriever and girlfriend* away from EVERY PNW¬†stereotype. And I don’t give. A Flying. Fuck.

*also, though I may have dabbled I am 99% sure I am still looking for a husband, not a lovely lady partner. (I mean, I essentially have one with my roommate, though none of the fun sex stuff…).

But the car, goal one of my 3.2 “To Do” list. Now just learn the drums, write a novel and go to Denmark (or international).

Also, build Jovi a cat backpack because I can’t leave him home all by himself, can I.

That was a long, shitty week. Perhaps this next one will help some love find it’s way back into my life, and start filling the hole left by my one true, lady love.

Yours,

N.

 

 

 

Love is watching someone die.

Magellan,

Tuesday is dying and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. I suppose I am lucky for never having lost a person I was close to but this is just the biggest pile of suck I have ever experienced.

This fucking came without warning. One day, she was there, 100%. Meowing that her food bowl was half full. Reminding me to get up, to be a little bit better to myself and the world than I was the day before. Resting her chin on me when I was feeling sad or lonely. Sleeping like a donut in a sun beam. Turtling on my outstretched legs. Eating the remaining egg  bits from a pan on the stove. For 12 years she has been by my side, a talesman keeping me safe and protected from the darkness that lurks in the corners of the world. She has been my friend, and a beacon of hope in moments where all I thought I could do was give up.

Other than the lethargy which presented itself last Friday, I could smell it first.¬†The smell of death starts with a change in pH. As the organs begin to fail and toxins no longer get processed it’s an unmistakeable scent. And you try so hard to deny it. You want to pretend that perhaps she just ate something or is feeling sad or sleepy but then you realize it’s so much more. And then death becomes more alkaline, and chemical. It smells like antiseptic and hospital floors and plastic.

And it’s cruel. You keep getting these glimmers of hope, like perhaps it’ll pass but¬†you know it won’t. And knowing that at some moment, far too soon I’m going to have to make the hardest decision that I’ve ever made. And I have to make it because as she has always known, I know and it’s pain that no one knows how to express but it’s there. And she can’t tell me.

As much as I yearn for a partner, I’ve had this 12-year unit. The big, dumb cuddly one on my left and the sweet, sensitive, intuitive one on my right. My own yin and yang to keep me from truly feeling alone. My team and partners. We’ve moved across decades together, stopping in different homes, towns and states. Though my 20s she made me get out of bed every time I didn’t think I could, always giving me a reason to face whatever darkness was grasping hold. She’s survived boyfriends, undergrad and graduate school. She’s been apart of holidays and birthdays, and epic moves across the country where, turns out I wasn’t alone. My team was there. She’s lived through my depression, and economic struggles, and terrible choices. She’s lived through the hardest years of my life but she won’t live though kidney failure.

I wanted her to meet my future husband. I always just assumed she would.

The kicker is, that as her light is starting to fade, she knows how much it hurts me. She’s still the one comforting me in this sadness.

So this is what I now know. Love is real, after all. It’s this part of us we take for granted and at the same time, take advantage of. Love is moments, and lifetimes and feelings and it knows no shape or bounds. It is limitless and infinite and it is very much real. It transcends decades and timezones and species.

Tuesday is love. She is appreciating the smallest, most seemingly insignificant moments. She is greeting each day with a yell. She is barking at crows and squirrels and trying to communicate through glass, and time and across linguistically constructed barriers. She is a companion to read next to and a friend to watch terrible tv with. She is a protector from bugs, and evil spirits and self-spirals into depression. She is a giver, of affection and a teacher of patience. Tuesday is love.

This is by far the worst thing I have ever experienced. Tuesday, however has filled me with some of the best pieces and memories from a very significant portion of my life, over 1/3 of which she has been there for, commenting on in her tiny little voice.

I am not doing well, and very soon I will be doing much worse.

I am not sure how or when I will make that call, but I will have to. Because this is love. And it will momentarily ruin me, if not leave me temporarily catatonic. (Ha ha, she would roll her little yellow eyes at my attempt of a pun).

But then, from the great beyond a little chocolate chip muffin cat will start yelling at me ¬†that the bowl is still half full, and remind me to get up and make the most of a new day. And I’ll get out of bed, and try to be just a little bit of a better version of myself.

Yours,

N.

It rained through the night. And you, take the fire escape

Magellan,

How’s it going? Last week was one of those doozy of a week, weeks. I thought cause boss #1 was out of town it might be easier but just kidding. I might have cried¬†my eyes leaked at work because my boss #2 told me he wanted to track metrics and I had just spent a week designing a document to track everything we need. Ugh. Turns out, when you have 2 bosses that communicate to each other, and communicate to you but don’t communicate to you at the same time you get a lot of different ideas about how to do something… also I mean, I was hired to do a job that is basically 2 words smooshed together and have I mentioned that I’m also the marketing department.¬†

Anyways, I still love my job. Learning so much and I’m already becoming a better writer. Just struggling to understand what is expected out of me.

Our third Fuck Up Nights went ok. We had a good turnout. One of my former tinder dates came (for the second event in a row) and we had a really nice chat. He had a really kind thing he said. I was mentioning that I felt like I was starting at the beginning of my career, but after the event he came up to me and told me that I’m not starting at the beginning, I am bringing a whole slew of experiences to the table, ones that my company really needs and to not discount them because they are not the traditional experiences one would have. It was sweet. I’m perfectly ok with the fact that this man friend zoned me.

I am the one girl who gets friend zoned the most.

Hmm. Say that out loud.

I had a really beautiful moment on the bus earlier this week. I’ve gone on at length about how I want things like a partner and family, but I realized that if at some point I don’t find these things I will have the option of fostering kids. By the time my eggs dry up I should be at the point in my career where I can financially support other humans and perhaps it’ll be my calling to find a pair of siblings and give them a home.

I think my cat is about to die. She just isn’t the same. She has been extra quiet and I don’t think she’s eating and she seems lethargic. It’s breaking my heart a little. Little nugget has been in my life for 13 years. I know it seems like I favor the big orange one, but she’s my little lady. She knows when I’m sad. She talks to me when I use the bathroom. I hope it’s just something like a cold and she’ll get better because I’m not ready to lose my girl.

Hey Dark Eyes,
Rest with me a while as I drift closer to sleep
Still cannot
Still cannot find no peace

Ok, back to work. I have a presentation tomorrow and I am pretty stressed out about it.

Yours,

N.

 

Now you’re all gone, got your make-up on and you’re not coming back

Magellan,

Missed Sunday. Yesterday was a strange day. I have a new friend and his brother-in-law was rolling through town looking for a female artist to interview so I offered myself and before I knew it I had a living room full of Japanese men with my polaroids strewn about.

This is the thing- it reminded me, I’m neat! I do cool shit. I connect with people. I make things.

Hot damn, this morning was glorious. I probably left closer to 6:30, but the sky was entirely like a painting for the duration of my run. In the beginning, it was that perfect lush shade of blue, with the faintest promise of a sun that was going to rise, and by the end it was a stop-in-your-tracks full out sunrise. Each cross street that I passed at the top of the ridge made me slow just enough to turn my head and take in the incredible view. Couldn’t see Rainier from my vantage, but I did see Mt. Baker in the distance.

On my way to work, bus crush was on the bus! Since I was running late, of course he was. Now I know which one it is (the 8:13 one). Like a creeper I sat across the isle from him and tried not to stare. I mean, in order to look at him required me to turn my head so I tried to peer slightly out of the corner of my eye… (#whyamisingle).

Oh, on the bus, where there was still the lovely sun going up there was a god-damned eagle! Just soaring over Lake Union on the Cascade side of the Aurora bridge. Naturally, the entire bus was too busy looking at their phones to see the fucking mountains (which were all out) and the eagle that was just floating around in concentric circles they way they just hover.

I have a problem. I am really good at making friends with unavailable men. Need to stop that. I have another Instagram pen pal. We’ll have to see who writes back first. Can you call it pen pals when no one responds? Letters to the void.

New Spoon came out, which is good. Music has been a bit wallow-y lately. Not sure I love the album yet but hopefully it’ll grow on me.

Hopefully buying the Subaru of my dreams by next weekend. Working with a dealer to get the one I want. ūüėÄ

I knew I was doomed to be alone when I said out loud “I want the Desert Khaki one, it’s like, my favorite color, the color of my cat’s eyes.” Eye roll emoji. If I’m gonna go it alone I’m gonna be a hell of a soloist.

What can you do?

Park that car, drop that phone. Dream about me.

Yours,

N.

 

I’m gonna fight for what I wanna be

Heyo Mr. Mag,

So I just got my period this morning and my lady parts feel like there is a small mosh-pit army of angry teenagers, all flailing fists and karate-chop elbows tossing around. Or maybe just like my kidneys are on the brink of exploding.

I turned 32. I thought (as every year) that maybe I’d feel different but not really. I keep hoping one year something magical will happen but in general birthdays are underwhelming. Perhaps someday I’ll wake up with clarity, or friends will fly in to surprise me and spend time with me.

It’s the grand gestures. Am I the only one left who is capable of making them? Really, it’s all I want. I want to mean so much to some person that they have no other option than to let me know through a sweeping demonstration of how much they love me. Showing up on my doorstep in the rain. Showing up at my office just because. Driving across time zones and state lines to say “Hey, I know you are having a rough time. Stop, I’m here.”

It’s showing up. I just want someone to show up.

Also flowers. What’s a girl got to do to get a boy to give her flowers?

I have a friend I have to have a serious talk with and I’m not sure how, because I don’t know if we are close enough but I want her to know. How do you tell a friend they have a problem? She came on my birthday trip and the night before had gone drinking and at some point bonked her head. She then spent the day (really the next two days) complaining about a hangover and her face bruise.

The thing is, this isn’t a one time thing. And she’s fairly functional and we’ve all gotten too drunk before. I myself have struggled to have a reasonable relationship with alcohol. One day I realized that of all the things getting in the way of my hopes and dreams, that was the easiest one to get a handle on. My friend has so much talent and potential, but I think her habits are severely getting in the way. I mean, for Pete’s sake I¬†have a connection I can make for her¬†if she fixes her portfolio. It’s that simple but I cannot vouch for her until she does this. I’ve told her, “you need to do this.” But she has a hangover.

Face bruises shouldn’t happen from an accidental night of binge drinking.

You have to want it more. You have to want it the most. You need to show up, making your own grand gesture I guess.

I spent the car ride down to Portland lost in introspection. A friend of mine from Chicago now lives here. He’s the kind of person that makes you forget to function just by breathing the same air as him. I remember the first time I met him. I was sitting in Goldstar in Chicago. I was drinking a Stella. He walked in and we locked eyes. I forgot to breathe. I unabashedly could not stop staring at this man for the entire duration he was in the bar. I think maybe he couldn’t look away either. I watched him play pool with friends and I can bet you at least 100 dollars that Fugazi’s “Waiting Room” played because it always did back then, and at least 10 times a night for the following six years. As he was leaving he walked up to me and said “Hey, I just wanted to say I hope you have a good night.”

I ran into him a year ago here in Seattle after a Tinder date. I was walking up 65th when I remembered that my friend Rob lived at the top of the hill. I asked him if he wanted to grab a neighborly margarita. We found ourselves at El Chupacabra and I was wearing my Blackhawks hat. At the table next to ours a man said “I like your hat.” It was then I looked into his eyes. We sat there for about two minutes looking at each other, trying to process the time and space. Finally I straight-up yelled “NO FUCKING WAY?! PETE?” and he probably replied with a “Holy shit” and there was a hug.

Then I spilled an entire margarita on my lap.

The moral of the story, this is a human that makes me forget I have to breathe. Every time I run into him I turn into a bumbling idiot who can’t make words come out of my mouth. Is he the one, doubtful but that’s what we should all hold out for. That human who makes you feel like you were on auto pilot before they showed up. I dunno. I feel real alone nearly all of the time but I like idea that there is still a person out there that will make so much sense. Maybe I won’t even need a grand gesture. Maybe he’ll even bring me flowers.

This year:

  • Drums
  • Novel
  • Car
  • Denmark.

And I won’t make the same mistakes
(Because I know)
Because I know how much time that wastes

Cheers,

N.

She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires

Magellan,

What a long strange week it has been.

This is the last letter in year 3.1. It hasn’t been the best year but it surely wasn’t the worst. (That would be 2009). I found myself crying in plenty of airports. I traveled to see friends and family in New Mexico, St Louis, Southern Illinois, Kansas, Wisconsin, California, Washington DC and Chicago. I took long drives across prairie states. I spent time giving away my best friend (and more crying my face off) in the Virgin Islands. I quit a job, freelanced the shit out of 4 months and in the 5th found a new one.

It was a whatayear.

Today I saw a smart car, but this one looked even stupider than the normal ones because it was a one seater. And then I realized. I’m this stupid one-passenger/driver smart car. But I’m not even a car. I couldn’t even get out to even think about looking at a car this weekend.

Does your body ever just hurt so hard, that the only thing that could fix it is to be held by another person. Do you think it hurts more when someone who could hold you is right next to you?

I ran extra today, and I felt silly because I wore my Blackhawks baseball cap, because for the first part of the run there was no precipitation, but as I finished up, choosing the high road today it came down in sheets. It’s like, is the wind making your eyes water or is that just the thinking? Oh, the feels. Yea. They come back.

THERE IS NO CRYING IN YOGA. Except for when there is.

I have to go it alone, and I have to keep going because I’m going to figure it out. And it sucks. It sucks to yearn for a partner, and it sucks to continually have to scramble to financially support yourself in a world designed to be part of a team or a unit. It sucks to try to speak your mind only to have people stop you mid sentence and it sucks when you have to filter.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I don’t want to wake up in 8.5 hours and go running again, I don’t want to walk around in the rain. I just don’t. I don’t want to stay here, inside either. I just don’t.

I miss my family. I hate that my friends are no longer in one place, but sprinkled across the states. I hate that even though I’ve been creative, true to myself, compassionate, educated, self-sufficient I still wake up alone. I hate that things I took for granted¬†when I was a kid, assuming I’d have that partner and a family just might not happen for me. I thought I’d have a god damned dog by now.

I was out with friends of friends, and I bitched because the ride home was more than 30$ according to the app on my phone, and one of the dudes was like “You just need to get married and someone will drive you home” and I was like “If that were that easy I wouldn’t have had to sit here all night with you guys.”

I can’t even get anyone to stick around past a few weeks, yet I just can’t compromise myself at this point.

Something about the road to hell is paved with the best intentions?

I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and I don’t want to get older but it’s here, knocking on my door whether I want it to or not. I though I’d have more benchmarked by now. Earmarked? Accomplished? I don’t know anymore.

¬Į\_(„ÉĄ)_/¬Į

Yours,

N.

I don’t want to wait anymore I’m tired of looking for answers, take me some place where there’s music and there’s laughter

Magellan,

Getting to this a day early while I’m inspired. Or you know, having some feels. (Also, read this as bullet points from my week).

Have you ever thought about how the sky is like a mood ring for the earth. Sometimes its grey and melancholy. Sometimes it’s pink, yellow and blue with optimism. Sometimes it’s a nostalgic¬†shade of purple, that reminds you of attempts to mix red and blue into a tertiary color. Sometimes it’s black with little specks of glitter signifying cold, pure excitement.

I’m so obsessed with how light reflects on water, especially in the early morning. Also, how the sky starts to gain light. I love that grey-turned-blue. And Larry, the cat that I named from the street in the window with the Christmas lights. I’ll have to snap him to you next time he’s in the window.

I was supposed to go on a date this week, but I got stood up. And I was actually relieved about that, so that has to say something. When I realized the dude wasn’t going to show I went and watched hockey and that was better than forced conversation on a date with a stranger. I think the peeps at the Angry Beav are starting to warm up to me and it’s about fucking time.

It was ladies’ night at the hardware store. It’s always one of my favorite events of the year. We (roomz and I) missed out on the swag bags this time (and also DID NOT win the raffle). It was fun, though. We had one of the employees corner us by the bee keeping stuff and explain how easy it is to host mason bees. As someone who is fairly allergic to bees, I don’t think I will be a candidate to have them (even though they allegedly don’t sting very often). It was interesting to learn about the process. Did you know that in the winter you can put them in a container in your fridge to hibernate? Crazy!

Other things have ended, for good this time and that is¬†a relief. Also, I have a new polaroid pen pal, so we’ll see what he sends in reply. (Ahem, someone needs to send me a postcard, sir.).

My friends from the island drunken FaceTimed me this week and it was the exact thing that I needed. I know that this is the one I am supposed to be in, but so often I feel like I picked the wrong Washington. Time zone math, well it gets to you. I think we are going to try and plan a group vacation for July. (Ahem, San Juan islands or somewhere you might want to be…).

We’re exactly where we are supposed to be. (That’s some We Are Scientists). Not sure I believe that but I am sure as hell going to make the most of now. Here’s to now (that’s what my friend Tavio used to say). It’s an in-between time again, but I think that is ok.

Here’s to now indeed.

“Be it for reason, be it for love
I won’t take the easy road”

Yours,

N.

And it feels like I’ve been with you but, oh, what did you you do and where have you gone

Magellan,

Hey you. I had one of those glorious morning runs today. It started out in the dark, and it was misty. I always stop running at the fire hydrant at the top of my street to reduce the pressure on my body as I amble down the way towards my house. There is a house with a grand cat tree in the window, and the pane itself is framed by LED holiday lights. I have dubbed that cat that hangs out on the perch Larry, and this morning he was sitting there, and it made me happy.

The sky is starting to get lighter earlier. I’m ready for more daylight.

It’s been a weird week month year life. And that’s ok.

I think I miss you and I don’t even know you.

Do you ever wonder how attached to our own solitude we get? I know as a runner that my jaunts out into the world are pure alone time, and I love them. I worry that I like my alone time too much.

I had a really good moment with my friend Anh last weekend. I think we’ve both spent a lot of our lives trying to understand the meaning of it all. I was feeling a bit soggy, but he said “Why don’t you make a list of all the things you want to do. Then do them.” Eureka. So easy. So obvious.

Sometimes you just need someone to plink you in the forehead.

Yesterday, a friend texted me that he felt like he was bored, stuck in Groundhog Day. A movie, ironically that was filmed in my hometown. I asked what he was going to do to change that.

Today I asked myself, what am I going to do to change that. I had a really nice thought while I showered that I am in fact, not afraid to change things. It takes time, to figure it all. First you have to be able to articulate what it is you want to do. Then, you have to plan. Then action. Quelling my impatience is the hard part. Also maybe, finding the words to explain what I want to do. I’m good on the action- it’s just getting to that point.

Guess what I think I’m gonna do?! (You have to wait, but it pretty much screams mid-life crisis. I mean, maybe more of a “Shit I’m turning 32 very soon”).

They let me write the things at work! It’s great!

There is a music festival in Denmark in August and I want to go and you should go with me. K? ¬†(On my list of things I want to do). I can meet you there, or somewhere in between. I have 13 vacation days (plus 4 if you count bookending weekends) after mid May. I’m pretty good at the budgeting (don’t tell anyone) so I can figure out how to get there. The National is supposed to be there and some other good stuff.

Think I’m about to buy a car. I’m ready to road trip the fuck out of the Pacific Northwest. Do I go Subaru, or just get the Kia Soul of my dreams. I really just want a Kia Soul so I can get a vinyl decal that says “#gotthatkiasoul” also, I want a shrug emoji stick figure with a cat on each side. I think I pretty much should stick to my plan of being as ridiculous as responsibly possible. (Plus, I can afford to get a new Kia while a new Subaru will take years to pay off. Although, one of my tattoos is the Pleiades which is technically Subaru…)

If I got a Subaru I’d only be a girlfriend and a golden retriever away from every PNW stereotype ever.

Anyways, should get back to work. Sorry I missed Sunday. And then Monday. I think of you often.

Yours,

N.